First sober anniversary of mums death.
24 years!?
11th July.
Usually I would feel low and drink to “cheers her.”
Then that would make me feel even more depressed so that I would drink even more to drown those feelings. Then i would roll into a ball and cry more about how depressed i feel then anything else
But yesterday I felt all my emotions and it was a roller coaster and I realised I’m going to have to feel all this (it feels like for the first time ever!?)
But it suddenly makes sence why I’ve been so cranky and grumpy this last week - it makes since.
My body knew it was coming up.
It’s going to be a rough few days…
She never knew me as a drunk,(being 10&half when she died), for which I’ve always been greatful. I think i would have never become one if she hadn’t had the accident, (or at least been less of a one but who knows.) However I suddenly felt sad last night because she would not be there to see me sober. She won’t be there for me to make sober memories with. I will not be able to go see her proudly and see her pride in Me finally breaking this thing. There is so much of her in me, my determination and stubbornness which is a good thing! My quiet resilience.
Just need to let myself process my feelings for the first time sober in 24 years.
Ania, your mother IS proud of you I’m sure. I relate to your sense of deeply grieving the loss. That anniversary looms and you start feeling the pain of loss again. It happens to me every year around May 15, actually. I have a sort of ritual on that date to honor the one who is gone. Do you also?
. Apart from looking through old photo albums every year id usually be ass drunk and would wallow iny own misery, so no ritual
But this will be my first sober memorial of her so i actually thought of writing her a letter!! Which ive never done before. And maybe do that every year. What is your ritual? Sorry for your loss.x
I take a drive to the lakeshore, sit down in a quiet spot, with my journal and some incense and a lighter, light a stick, think of him, talk to him, and journal. He will always be with me.
I absolutely love your letter idea! I did this too.
I just want to say that I can relate. My dad died when I was 13 and when I was 36, I had my first sober anniversary where I felt EVERYTHING. It’s not easy when we get to feel these emotions again. But I can tell you that for me, being able to face these and truly let myself process them had gotten me to a place where 5 years later I dont need to run anymore. I actually feel closer to my dad now than I ever have, oddly enough.
I hope you were able to make it through to day 96 sober. You are never in this alone! It isnt always easy, but it’s worth it.
Ania, I’ve lost my mother 5 years ago and the anniversary is soon on July 23. This year for the first time, I’ll bring her -who suffered for alcol too- the best gift ever: “Mom, I quit alcol.” I’m only at my early months of sobriety but I’ve felt her close throught out all this journey. The incredible thing is that my 100 day sobriety challenge will end on July 23! The proof she is behind this result? Keep trusting in your mother, keep talking to her, keep asking to her, keep praying for her.
Thanks for your message. Yes im on day 98, didnt fall down the dark hole. The actual anniversary is tomorrow so i will sit down and write that letter tomorrow evening. Calmly. In the garden.
This is beautiful message thank you. Ill be on day 99 tomorrow on her anniversary. I feel now shame finally this time!, its the first year where i havent thought “im glade shes gone and cant see me like this!” Thats what feels different this year.x
I can relate insofar as I have neither of my parents anymore. My Mum died 9 years ago (two days ago on the 8th). My birthday was two days after she died, I haven’t celebrated my birthday since. I feel scarred and numb still. She never met two of my kids, So I know what you mean when you wish you had future, sober memories with your mum.
The most important thing you can do is live your life in a way that your Mum would be proud of, and you certainly are. She would be very proud of your sober time! You’re doing great x She won’t haven’t seen you with alcohol struggles while alive, but you know she’d have worried about you. The main thing is, she would be proud of you today
I’m kind of like you, around the same time every year it’s like a light goes out in me. My Dad died at the end of June, my Mum early-ish in July. It’s a painful few weeks every year. A tiny bit of me wanted to drown out this overwhelming sense of loss, but just like your Mum Ania, it’s not what they would want for us. They want us to be strong, to survive. It’s the least we can do for them.
My thoughts and prayers are with you, and your lovely Mum
Im sorry you had to go through so much as well! My most miserable emotions where on thursday/fri, tomorrow it will be more reflective im sure.
And everything you have said is right.
Keep strong, this too shall pass x
