Welcome to Talking Sober Grapeshot. I hope you can find some help here in your journey towards a better life. Know you deserve it. There’s good folk here willing to help. Wishing you all success.
4 Likes
Omg girl… my heart 
those words… ur last sentence… I have said those exact words so many times during the years I was in the trade. I truly believed I would die as an addict or go missing in that lifestyle. Its a dangerous way to live 
I HATED how men looked at me and what they thought they could get away with bcuz they paid for me. I used to think that bcuz they paid, they could do whatever they wanted and I had no say… not true. You DONT have to live this way. Do u still have a pimp? If so… is it unsafe for you to leave? I don’t know what services are out where you are but I can try to help (if you want) with what I have learned through my support groups. It’s very multi dimensional. There are many layers to this, but it is not impossible to leave the trade. I promise you. You can get ur self respect back, get your voice back, become able to become YOU again. Message me if you like 
hugs girl
8 Likes
Also, getting out can be abit difficult. It’s not impossible but it does have its challenges. And as I was weaning myself off of this way of living, I was shown how to do it “safely”. Well as safely as you can get I guess. This is sort of a harm reduction approach but it’s important that if u are going to do it (for whatever reason), to do it as safely as possible. I can tell u what I was told just in case, if u want. Ultimately, not engaging in it at all would be best. But sometimes it’s hard not to fall into it, especially for survival sex (turning tricks to survive). U need to keep urself safe. I did it this way (this harm reduction approach), until I was able to quit altogether. I wasn’t able to quit just like that. Just know tho that there are resources and organizations out there that can help with food and rent and basic needs so that you don’t feel like you need to do this alone. Often times we as human beings can survive on very little money (with the help of supports in our areas)
10 Likes
Ugh that’s really a heart breaking story and I really hope that you can get out of this situation. Decriminalization and a more extensive support net for woman who want to quit prostitution would definetly help. Please allow me to imply but the majority of your problems like your pimp and addiction are caused since the state pushes you to the edge of society where you are at the mercy of violent customers and men who try to control you? What you definetly need are some allies in real life. People who give you the hand to get back into society. There are always some good people outhere you just have to find them.
Reading both of your stories I really appreciate my own situation as a prostitute in Europe a bit more. (sorry if that sounds a bit unsenstive but I’m not a native English speaker and can’t formulate it much better) I for myself got into this profession because I fucked up at school and left with some really bad marks and a bad degree. Becoming a prostitute at 19 felt like a real career choice to me. Turning my looks into easy money and be allowed to do whatever I want. Prostitution in a legal setting can be all of this but it’s not really worth in the end. There is so much stuff in that 4 years that I want to forget. Losing my self respect and doing extremly humiliating things so that I can buy new useless stuff is definetly a part of it. There were evenings were I just cried for half a hour after my shift in the little room of the brothel I work in. Prostitution is not really about control but giving yourself up for money. It’s like a form of voluntarily temporarily slavery. I recently started to attend evening courses so that I can get myself into some form of job training and quit prostitution. I have to admit that there are some benefits that keep me in this job but there are really not worth it as I wrote and it shouldn’t encourage young woman to follow this career path.
7 Likes
Thank you for sharing abit of your story as well. And I feel ur pain girl I actually do know a few women who have entered the trade, not so much for survival or to support a drug habit but to put themselves thru college etc. For myself, I absolutely thought there were benefits to this lifestyle. I could make my hours and schedule, chose who I saw and how often, price services as I wanted, make my own rules, I was able to keep 100% of my money and make alot of it very quickly. BUT… these “benefits” of the trade were actually lies. Lies I told myself to make myself seem okay for doing what I was doing. Inside I was dying. I would constantly dissociate. And since I haven’t been in the trade for almost 8 years now, not once has that happened. The risks definitly out way any sort of benefit there may seem. At least for me. But I was definitly addicted to making fast money. Once I finished college and got a good paying job, it was so satisfying being able to make money in a way that increased my self esteem and self respect 
it was a hard adjustment not having the kind of money I did but it was definitly worth getting out of it 
I don’t miss it…
5 Likes
Thanks, I can relate a lot, I have been working as a prostitute from the ages 17-21, I’ve done it to get drugs always. I never did it regularly, sometimes twice a day, sometimes once a months, it depended on how big my desire to get drugs or to get sober was. I already tried to get sober at 17, even made it to 40 days sober without therapy but over the years it got worse before it got better. There was a point in my binges, especially when there were amphetamines involved, where I just felt I needed to get more drugs, and I knew sex work was the fastest way of getting the money. I always felt shitty after and used even more drugs to numb from that disgusting feeling. I’m 21 now and was nearly a year (10 months) away from it, because I felt disgusted by what I did and realized I was raped once and felt that my body had taken some kind of trauma I still have to find out how to let go. I’m looking forward to rehab to let that go. These 10 months I was happy to be away from “working” like that even though I was still using drugs. But I took less drugs or when I did drugs, I paid less for them or got my money elsewhere. I then had 92 days sober, and actually realized only then that I need therapy to deal with that. Because that was the longest time sober since I was 14 years old, I realized what emotions are inside me. After the 92 days I relapsed and on the sixth day of relapse I already did sex work again to buy more drugs, even though I didn’t do sex work for nearly a year which showed me just how much I did for the drugs. It wasn’t worth it at all, all the money and drug was gone in less then six hours and I was left with no money and little food and the drug was getting out of my system. It was so frustrating that I didn’t even save money to get some good food the next day. Because all I’ve been thinking of was doing ketamine, I have used for 3 weeks straight, gone over my limits and what I feel is right multiple times. And now after spending hundreds of euros on ketamine again, I am a week sober (I’m on day 8 now) and still thinking about ketamine what feels like every minute. I hate that my mind always goes back to thinking about this drug, or other drugs, like I can’t even look at the sun going down without thinking about it. I never want to do sex work ever again it has seriously caused harm in my mind like the drugs. Meditation helps a lot though and knowing I’m getting into rehab. And I’m on day 8 sober so that’s something I’m proud of too now. Thank you for sharing your story it’s good to know you overcame this, so I know I can too.
5 Likes
Wow, thank you for sharing abit of your story too hugs I can relate to ur post also. Im glad that ur striving for a better life, away from drugs and sex work. Youre post brought me back to a very dark time and im sorry that u have gone thru some horrific things too. For me, i found sex work to be just as addictive as drugs and found they definitly go hand n hand. There was a period of time when i was in treatment and clean and sober, and i was still doing sex work thinking i could do it sober and have it as a means for me to survive. It was truly impossible for me to do clean and so i can understand it when u talk about numbing out the pain with drugs. Its a viscious cycle. Truly the only way that i have found to be clear of sex work is to stop using drugs. If drugs are involved, we will always go back to what we know is the fastest way to get money. You absolutely can distance urself from this. I appreciate u sharing ur story. Sending healing thoughts and light to u friend.
5 Likes
Thanks, I’ve come to the same conclusion. Drugs will always lead me back to the same ways. I hate sex work just like I hate drugs. What bothers me most at the moment is the mental obsession with drugs, I’ve just woken up and already had a thought of buying ket, not even 5 minutes upon waking up. But hey, still better than 2 weeks ago, when it wasn’t even 1 minute after waking up. And I choose sobriety today instead of drugs so I am making progress. Right now it does feel like being mentally ill or mentally retarded, (sorry if that sounds offensive I don’t know how to describe it better) because the obsession with ket is so omnipresent and I feel like my brain has suffered a lot in these 3 weeks of using.
How long did it take for you to not be so obsessed with drugs anymore? Or do you still get cravings/thoughts of using? And what strategies did you use to handle or minimize cravings?
2 Likes
Think of healthy behaviors, things to do, to replace the unhealthy behaviors you want to discontinue.
One minute at a time, say no to the urges. Get support here. Get support from other support groups.
Have your sobriety be your priority.
Ask for help.
Read here. Get involved.
You’re clearly saying you no longer want either.
You can do it. Lots of help here for you.
Find something to physically or mentally involve yourself in to help distract you from “wanting.”
1 Like
Thank you, I’m doing all of that already so it’s reassuring that I’m on the right path. I have to find more activities though, I walk a lot every day but there’s more to life than just long walks. I also have other activities I enjoy, like exercise, meditation, drawing, reading, writing, dancing, meetings, but all that still is not enough for me I gotta get more active
1 Like
Sorry for the late response, i was sleeping 
it does sound like ur making progress.
I noticed the mental obsession start to diminish when i began adding a morning recovery routine to my day. Literally the first thing i do (other than grabbing coffee) is to do this routine so that i set my mind on recovery. For me this usually involves a combination of recovery related readings, daily reflections, prayer, meditation, gratitude lists, positive affirmations. I find that when i dont do this I tend to be less grounded and less positive… which leads to negative emotions. These emotions such as stress, anger, frustration, depression, any emotion like that was a huge trigger for me to use drugs. So if i focus on a positive outlook, i dont temd to think of drugs nearly as often.
I do still get thoughts of using BUT they are fleeting and much much easier to push to the side. In early recovery they were effin hard and almost all-consuming. But the longer u stick it out and stay clean, the less n less they will have that hold on u.
To handle cravings i always play the tape to the end. I think of my reasons why i quit and i really remember what it was like before i got clean and the desperation i felt. I never want to have to feel that again. I tell my thinking to “F OFF” often. Like i literally talk to my addictive thinking, saying things like, “I dont need drugs, they serve me no purpose”, “I love my life in sobriety, stop trying to bring me down”. Stuff like that. i do view my addictive thinking as an entity trying to bring me down, so i find talking to it helps. I use distraction to help. I also use deep breathing, meditation, or grounding techniques to help me pull thru if the cravings are a bit more intense.
Hope this helps abit and hope u have a great clean and sober day friend 
1 Like
Thank you I did have an awesome day sober today and I hope your day was good too. Are these daily reflections and recovery readings from books or did you write them yourself? Or where are these from, that is a good advice and I will write something today to read when waking up tomorrow, I’m sure it will add nicely to my daily routine. Personally what has been most effective for me was meditation I’d say, I meditate daily for 3 years now and probably would’ve overdosed if I didn’t ever meditate. I would guess reading positive affirmations every morning will change my mindset even more. And talking to my addictive personality is something I do every morning too, I love talking to myself in general because when I talk when no one’s around, I know I’m being totally honest and not saying anything to be liked by anyone. That’s the beauty of talking to myself: it’s always the absolute truth and most important things I say to myself
1 Like