Ptsd nightmares are the worst sometimes

Emotional Support
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So uh quick warnings for mentions of overdoses and survivors guilt. Its pretty heavy

Ok so last night sucked. I kept having nightmares about when Jess (my gf at the time) overdosed and passed. I woke up and saw her dead next to me the next morning, we used heroin together regularly and i guess that night she took too much. I did cpr and gave narcan and called 911 but she was cold when i woke up. The usual nightmares are just this loop of me doing cpr and hearing her ribs break and smelling her vomit again. Sometimes its like i can hear her talking to me, and she asks why i didnt save her. Why i didnt do more. And i dont have an answer cause i did all i could. I loved her so so much. The worst part is i overdosed earlier that week and she was awake and knew what was happening and she saved my life. That was Tuesday that week. Saturday morning is when i woke up and she was dead. Five fucking days later. Why do i get to live and she doesnt. This isnt fair. I would give anything to see her again. Yknow that song where it says “and if i only could I’d make a deal with god and I’d get him to switch our places”. Im gonna do some journaling to process all these shitty feelings but i wanted to come on here and vent. Im sure im not the only one whos been there. Fuck i just miss her so much.

As a silver lining, i havent used heroin since she passed. Its been 6 years. (Ive been on and off with other opiates just pills but that hasnt happened in 2 months now either). Also before anyone asks, im in therapy and i have medications for my ptsd. Im working on it, but shitty days like this still happen sometimes.

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They definitely do. :cry:

Survivor’s guilt is a hard emotional weight. It’s so hard to have that feeling.

In addiction we play with death. It is a roll of the dice every time. It is a brutal truth that people die from rolling those dice. We gamble with our life and we lose.

The best way to honour her - and yourself - is to throw yourself entirely into your recovery: to work your recovery, one day at a time. That shows compassion and commitment, and it makes a difference.

It’s hard to think back on the past. I know.

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I lost my husband 6 years ago to suicide. He told everyone it was because of my drug use. But I finally learned to forgive myself and him… I too would give anything to see him just one more time…

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Tina, I’m so sorry for your loss. What a burden to bear, to be left with this message from him. I’m glad you’ve worked on forgiveness.

Welcome here!

@Ridesende shitty days do indeed happen and shitty dreams can be part of them. I had a real whopper yesterday myself.

I wish you a better day, and continued progress on your recovery journey. Getting over this tough stuff just takes its time. :heart:

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