One thousand days ago, I walked into rehab. I had not slept at all that night. It was my last time I could game, so I obviously was not going to let that “go to waste”.
I was very happy to go to rehab. I had been looking forward to it for nearly a half year. And finally it was time. I went in open-minded and willing to change. And I never gamed again.
I’ve learned a lot since that first day.
I learned forgiveness. I forgave my father. He was an abusive man. Physically, verbally and emotionally. I resented him for all the pain I had endured. All the mental anguish I experienced. But with help from my rehab, I saw past that history.
Rationalising also helped a lot with that matter. I am mostly able to no longer look at a person’s actions, but at their drive.
My dad was abusive, which is always wrong. But it isn’t that simple. He was raised even worse. He is incapable of forming his own opinions. So he believes that the way he was raised was right. And in his eyes, applying this logic was best for us. He did his best for us, even if it was a screwed up way. Can I truly stay angry because of that?
Then there’s acceptance. Sometimes people do very stupid things for dumb reasons. My brother, for example, is one of the most offensive people I know. He has aspirations to become a dictator. He is racist, homophobic, transphobic, sexist, misogynistic, perverted etc. He is however surrounded by very right winged people and he has a very low mental capacity. So I accept him for who he is.
These three things; forgiveness, rationalising and acceptance; have been detrimental to finding inner peace. Having pent up anger is bad for you, it eradicates a part of your joy.
Finding this trifecta takes time, a lot more than 1000 days. It is a long journey, but that’s okay. You will see progress and you will gradually feel better. And sooner than you think.
I also learned to analyse my behaviour. Because all behaviour is a symptom of something underlying. I wanted to be perfect because I never felt good enough. I was aggressive, and sometimes still am, because my autism makes it a lot harder to deal with strong emotions and it causes me to express those emotions through an effective release.
When I know the underlying cause, I can truly change.
Even though all this might make those 1000 days seem easy, it wasn’t. It was hard work. And I still struggle with other addictions. When I went to rehab, it was for my gaming addiction. The addict in me told me that I could still watch TV, but moderately. 30 minutes of tv a day turned into hours. Watching TV turned into watching YouTube videos about TV shows, which led to videos about other things, which led to YouTube shorts for hours on end. Those shorts ruin your dopamine system. And a lot of them were narrations with videogames in the background. Which led to very strong cravings.
Therefore yesterday was the last time I watched YouTube recreationally. That chapter is closed now. I’m looking forward to my dopamine threshold dropping and being able to enjoy the little things more.
Recovery is hard, but it’s really fucking worth it 
). I’ve enjoyed reading your posts very much. They have given me a lot of hope where you can get, when you make change happen bit by bit.
1000!!! Brilliant work 
