Just took my last dose of Ambien. Tomorrow morning marks the beginning of day one without my drug of choice. Turns out quitting drinking was so easy because alcohol was never my DOC – Ambien is. I was prescribed it several months ago to help with insomnia due to a hypomanic turned depressive bipolar episode. I was using them exactly as directed, as we’re supposed to, then that stopped. I began taking more than I needed. I began taking it when I didn’t need it. I even took it during the day and fuctioned on it a time or two. No heavy machinery, fortunately.
My rock bottom hit when I was confronted by my husband and 16yo son about the habits they’d been noticing. Still, I began the business of finishing up the bottle I had instead of just flushing the remaining as I should have. As I said, I just took the last dose, and I’m crying as I write this. I’m terrified and ashamed. And disappointed in myself. I had a year and a half alcohol free, and now my sober birthday has to reset. I’m so damn disappointed in myself.
I am incredibly depressed right now. I don’t want to say goodbye to what I’ve come to think of a faithful companion. The substance that made me literally forget all my troubles at the end of the day. I’ve lived without it for prolonged periods of time before (having been on it long-term when I was younger), but letting go is always hard when it’s been the only barrier between me and crippling depression for months.
I’m trying to look at positives.
no more being a slave to the clock, counting down til the earliest possible reasonable hour to take my Ambien and zone out for the night.
no more picking zone-out time over my family.
no more relatively brief high (because I’d go the sleep shortly after it started) that I can’t even remember the next day half the time.
there are non-addictive sleep aids I can try. Trazodone has worked nicely in the past for me.
I’m trying to look at the positives… it’s just really hard with as depressed and disappoined as I am right now. My bipolar episode has ended. This is run-of-the-mill situational depression that I know will pass. But it sucks in the meantime.
Sending hugs @ErinLeigh from one hymomanic depressive bipolar to another…i see you. The struggle is real. You can always start a new timer just for ambian. You didnt drink alcohol right?
You can do this. Get all the Ambien out of the house. Call your doctor and pharmacy and cancel any existing prescriptions.
There are alternatives between crippling depression and oblivion. You might ask your doc about different antidepressant meds. There’s no need to live in a fog.
I love the sound of my children’s laughter. I love that they’re not “typical” teenagers and we can still have fun together. I love that they are comfortable enough with me to call me out on my bullshit. Pills arent worth potentially giving all that up.
I still had an open refill that I decided to utilize. I did, and I went through a 30-day supply in less than a week. Needless to say, I have a problem. I cannot control my use when I have it. Which I knew damn well before I went ahead and called in that last refill.
Key words being “that LAST refill.”
IT. HAS. TO. BE. THE. LAST.
Tomorrow will be my second first day without Ambien. I’m sure there will be a mourning process. I’ve almost come to think of Ambien as a faithful little friend. A friend I have to say goodbye to forever. There will be tears. There will be depression. But all of that will subside fairly quickly.
I had almost two solid years Ambien free before. I’ve been totally clean and sober before and been perfectly happy. I’ll get there again.
Good news is, I still have over 19 months AF!
I also just threw out my LAST last vape. I switched to nic free for a couple months, so it should be pretty easy this time to be done with it once and for all. Pray for me!
Not refilling is key. Ambien is the devil. I did some scary shit on that. It is definitely an adjustment period, finding soothing nighttime rituals can help a lot. Wishing you well!!
I know myself some detoxes are not always ok to do home alone. I had to learn that the hard way. I didnt last a night in a inpatient rehab detox facility. I didn’t last one night in there and they sent me out on a stretcher the next morning. On the ride to the hospital which was only 2miles down the road i was incubated and put on life support because i wouldnt wake up. After they tried to narcan and used the strongest meds they could to bring me back. Some detoxes from certain drugs can kill you. It scared my mother to death when she got the call that morning that i was at the hospital in the ICU and i was unresponsive and on a ventilator with a tube down my throat. Im still fighting this detox hopefully this is the last time i have to be here . If it gets too unbearable go to the ER.
