My boyfriend and I have been together a long time and currently live together, however recently we’ve both discussed heavily and have found were both at a bit of a stalemate. I’ve been trying to justify my actions of abusing liquor and smoking like a chimney because numbing is easier than owning up to myself and admitting my feelings towards women. I’ve been an alcoholic for almost 10 years now. I don’t plan on letting it become 20.
It’s getting harder, basically impossible, to ignore
my thoughts which has caused me to shrink up inside the bottle and I just… I just can’t do it anymore. I’m heart broken and my life feels like it’s crumbling. I know I need to move up and on, just not sure where to start.
Anyhow, been a long time since I’ve been on this app, but if anyone has any good advice or maybe feels similar, please feel free to message me. Thank you.
Hey there, I can relate! I was terrible at being open and honest about myself whilst I was drinking. But in sobriety, so much has changed. I feel comfortable and confident in who I am. I even came out to my mother a few months ago - it’s embarrassing for me to admit that it took so long.
My best advice is focus on your sobriety. In time, other things will sort themselves out, at the right time and when you are in the right headspace.
Welcome!
I joined this forum just to say I’m going through the same thing as OP. I’m 3 days sober. I’m relieved to know I’m not alone.
I drank and smoked to cover up my feelings for women, among other things. It didn’t work so well- while drunk I made some bad decisions that I’m still fearful of fully processing.
I would love to read some tips or stories on recovery and coming out too.
What does it mean to focus on recovery?
At times I feel like I’m ignoring a part of myself, other times I imagine it’s good to put being with another person on the back burner while I “work on myself”. But I’m not sure what that means.
I’m a bi nonbinary person and have been out as long as I’ve been aware of myself (a very young age), even though I’m in a hetero-presenting marriage. It’s tough. Can you get in touch with an LGBTQIA+ counselor? If you need help finding one I’m happy to look into it for you.
My story, as relates to my coming out to myself, is different but similar. I struggled to accept my sexual orientation (lesbian) for a long time. I was 22 when I finally accepted the truth about myself. I was deep into early alcoholic drinking while I struggled with it, but when I finally broke up with my long time boyfriend and accepted who I am my need to drink so heavily stopped. I didn’t get sober then, my alcoholism hadn’t been full blown yet, but it definitely made me drink less for a good amount of time. It put my alcoholic progression on a strong hold. I was a very moderate drinker for 3 or so years. Of course my alcoholism came full term when other things became problems, but I had that reprieve.
I guess my point is that the relief and freedom that came with acting on what was right for me took a whole lot of stress out of my life for a time, it made me feel confident and strong. I didn’t need to drink to hide that part of myself any longer. And as we know, that’s a huge, core part of ourselves.
You have to find what is right for you, but don’t shy away from hard decisions now. In the end those hard decisions are what make us who we are, and being who we are is freedom.
I’m so glad you joined! Welcome.
For me, focusing on my recovery is, first and foremost, staying sober. And then also doing the work required to deal with some of my deep internal issues. For me, that involved a multi-pronged approach - working a recovery program (for me, it is AA), individual trauma and substance abuse therapy, and recovery related books and podcasts and speakers, LOTS of writing my feelings, LOTS of time spent on here reading others’ stories and sharing my own.
Some say avoiding dating and new relationships in the first year allows a good amount of time to make progress. For me, in the last 14+ months of sobriety I have made huge progress on understanding myself and finding some self respect and self love - the things I look for and expect in an intimate relationship have changed wildly in that time - for the better.
I appreciate everyone sharing. @beaniebun I have a regular therapist, but my sexuality isn’t something I’ve brought up with her yet. In fact, we got right up to the crux of what was going on with me ( had to do with liking girls ) and I dropped out.
I enjoyed reading everyone’s input on what recovery looks like. @aircircle a lot of what you described is what i’ve been integrating into my recovery practice.
working on my routine
Thank you everyone so much for these replies, I had no idea there were so many others that are feeling the same. I need to keep you guys in close proximities as I don’t really have any gay friends at the moment and could really use the support.
I’ve fallen off the wagon again, however, I stopped myself last night and a couple of times this week from keeping the bender going. I’ve hit two AA meetings and plan on hitting more (Perhaps a couple a day if needed) and will check this app more solidly. I don’t like who am I when I’m drunk, I can never walk the balance of ‘fun drunk’, I’m almost always either annoyed cause I can’t be more intoxicated or I’m so blasted I can barely keep my eyes open. I know I need help and I want to utilize it better.
