Yeah. I know you’re right, Courtney. I’m just struggling a little with my own personal stigmas, assumptions, and pride around taking medication. I’m going to do it though. I’m going to give it an honest chance. I’m out of ideas on how to manage my more extreme mood swings on my own. I am more excited to see how it goes, than I am upset at the fact of my reality.
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That’s good Chris give it a try and you never know it may be the best thing you’ve done for yourself. Good luck with it all. And good for you acknowledging that something needs to be done. That’s a positive step in the right direction. 
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I’m creeping up on a month and I feel less confident than I have at this point in my prior recovery attempts. I don’t feel like I’m going to drink. I’m not lacking confidence that I can stay sober by utilizing the help I’m accessing. I’m just less confident in myself as an individual. In the past, I’d feel so energetic and probably overly confident. I’d feel like I had all this great insight and wisdom. Now, I feel like I’m just going to work, not drinking, and taking a bunch of advice from others. I feel like I’m a child who needs guidance through every aspect of life. I have a hard time forming any type of deeper thoughts or insights. Part of me feels like I’m not good enough to generate them. I just want to be told what to do, right now. Maybe that’s humility and I’m just adjusting to not being so ego and pride driven.
My therapist gave me a few tools to start using over the next couple weeks. A self esteem journal, affirmations, and continuing with my mindfulness meditation practice. I’m trying to address my low self-esteem and lack of self-worth. I can do so well for a period of months, in multiple aspects of my life, just to go to the opposite extreme and neglect all aspects of my life. I can’t keep living in this “all or nothing” mindset. The truth is, when I’m sober I hold myself to a really high standard of living. I believe I’m really doing that to prove to myself and others that I’m worth something or that I’m good enough. I’m trying to outwork my low self esteem. The problem with that is, I can only maintain for a few months. As soon as I start to struggle or “drop the ball” in my mind, the negative self talk starts back up. I start telling myself that I’m a completely incapable human being and I just throw in the towel on life. I start drinking, isolate, and just spiral into a pit of despair.
The goal is to learn to feel good about myself even when I’m just managing life. To learn how to be kind to myself. I can’t only like myself when I feel like I’m being optimal.
It’s funny, my therapist told me she purposely only gave me a couple things to do over the next couple of weeks, because she was concerned if she gave me too much, I’d create a rigid set of expectations to measure myself against. She picked that up after just one session.
It always seems to come back to finding balance for me. I need goals and standards. I need to take some actions. I also need to be flexible with them at times and realize that accomplishing them all perfectly doesn’t determine my worth as a person.
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The most important thing is to learn to love yourself. If there are obvious things you don’t like, work on those. It’s not an easy road by no means. I was always the person more concerned about others than I was myself. The feelings of not being enough come and go. Try to get back to living in the moment, one day at a time. Best of luck :*
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I agree. I’m just now starting to work on really loving myself unconditionally. I don’t always have to love my actions, but conversely, I don’t have to tell myself I’m fundamentally a piece of shit, if I’m not perfect.
I think I’m just starting to realize how much I’ve cared about other people’s opinions of me, and how much of my self worth I’ve hung on that. I didn’t think I cared that much.
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Maybe being less confident is a good thing… They say pride comes before a fall and I have noticed on here that many people do seem to relapse after a spell of enthusiasm (getting cocky maybe?).
I consider humility a positive quality. Recognising that there is always something new to learn, that none of us ever have it all figured out!
Sounds like you have some solid insights there. You know the hard part is ahead and you are giving yourself the best chance of getting through it. That’s pretty awesome. 
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i totally get this!
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I wouldn’t worry as much with comparing it to your last attempts. Those didn’t work so maybe it’s a good thing you feel different this time around. Give yourself some slack and don’t hold yourself to such a high standard. It’s hard not to I do the same thing. It’s gotta be how you feel today and how are you living your best life.
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I agree 100%. Cocky is probably a better word than confident. When I start to think I know it all and don’t need help, that’s when I usually stumble.
I also agree here. This one is going to take some adjusting to. Staying humble and teachable will take some conscious effort, at times.
Thanks for the support as always! 
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Great point, Courtney. I’m in a different place than I was before, and I’m trying different methods this time. No reason it should feel or be the same.
I’m trying my best to keep it in the day and so far today is a good one!
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A lot happened this last month. I changed jobs again and went back to my old employer, I’ve been dealing with my court case, I took a trip back home to Alaska, I’ve reconnected with family and friends that I’d been ignoring, and I’ve started therapy and meds.
While I believe that these have all been positives in my life, some of them were also really uncomfortable at times. There is an overarching feeling of peace that I’m moving in a healthy direction, but I just feel tired and a bit exhausted right now. I’m ready to just settle into a routine for a bit.
Thanks for all the support everyone.
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I’ve been saying and doing the same thing for myself for years.
Sometime it’s the negative talks about self, but sometime it’s the High self, too high self or too confident or even grandiose. Mood pattern as we say.
But like you say in latter post, it may be hard even impossible sometime to love ourself unconditionally. A lone child can hardly love himself if there’s no one to show you what love is… and I think for us adult it isn’t that much different. Sometime when we’re too high but especially too low, we need connection so we can either love and/or be loved and forget about ourself for a moment. Not forget ourself like in a bottle, but just being ok with living, because we’re giving to others and to greater causes and etc. etc… That’s mostly what therapy is about for me: relationship. What really matter isn’t really what the professional is giving me to do or think about but mostly his presence and listening: he’s giving me value and validation so I can continue my living without dwelling too much on self-negative thoughts.
Dont’ know where I was heading with all this. Wanted to say I relate. Good insight you got there and great job on the 30 days.
Have a good daY!!
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I think you went in a clear direction. I appreciate it.
Just being okay with living and staying grounded is where I’ve struggled. I’ve often been too high or too low. Both are unsustainable states of being for me. Both lead to epic struggles.
Just being okay with living has sounded like a cop out to me in the past. Like if I wasn’t living optimally in my own eyes and constantly making huge gains in life, then was failing and just settling. The danger in that for me is, if I start to tell myself I’m a failure then I start to act like a failure and give up. I’m working to change my ideas and thoughts around that concept and I’m making an effort to learn how to be okay with “living in the middle” and allowing myself to be human without harsh judgements of myself.
My therapist has given me some simple tasks to do on a daily basis that are geared towards this and it’s helping a bit. I’m sure it’ll take time. It is definitely nice to have someone who’s just in your corner to hear you out and offer help and that’s it.
Thanks again my friend!
This part especially hit home for me and is something I needed to hear. I really appreciate you sharing this.
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Great results come from quiet change and small actions.
I’m being conscientious of not getting too High or too Low. There seems to be less pontificating, analyzing, and overthinking. There’s more action being taken, but they’re small, simple, and healthy actions. They’re being taken in faith that if applied consistently overtime, they will have caused a shift in the way I approach life. I don’t even know if it’s really faith, as much as hope and a willingness to see where it goes.
My buddy is in between places to stay. The closing of his home purchase got delayed and he had to be out of his apartment by, Friday. So him and his son, have been staying with us. I do feel a sense of pride that I can be there for my friend. I haven’t always been reliable. When I was drinking I couldn’t show up for anything in life, especially my friends and family. Other people have been there for me so often. I want to be someone who can be counted on and I want to be a good friend.
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That’s really great you can help your friend out. Being of service is so rewarding.
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I do not want to rain on your parade, I think it’s amazing the work you’re doing! I’m really pleased to hear you’re in a good place and of course that’s awesome to be able to help your friend and be a person he can count on.
So why the talk of raining on parades? I noticed today that I am feeling optimistic for the future. Which is obviously a good thing after however long of feeling terrible. But, I need to check myself. Even if I avoid a massive high, I have been here before and the lows might come back. It’s not a surefire thing, but I think because I am very quick to attribute positive emotions to my changes and lifestyle, it then means I take absolute responsibility for negative emotions. After feeling good, any dip in mood (however minor) can feel like a huge deal, a massive failure… And that can be really destructive.
Remembering that ups and downs (and neutrals) in life are normal, that we can do everything right and still feel like shit, that’s something I am trying to work on now I am feeling a bit calmer. Who knows if it will continue if I fall back into the pit of despair? Will have to wait and see!
Something we spoke about at the RD meeting I was on the other day is how we experience emotions - it’s so easy to mix up thoughts and feelings. Feelings are physical, the clenching of teeth, tightening of the chest, butterflies in the stomach, whatever. Thoughts are the narrative we attached to the feelings - “I am upset/ angry/ worried because…” - and the bit that we get caught up in, that fuel the fire and make a bad day turn into a catastrophe that there’s no coming back from.
TL,DR - glad it’s going well for you at the moment, but don’t be hard on yourself if you have a bad day!
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This is a perfect way of wording what I’ve experienced too. I’ve seen my moods dip in the past, despite no real change in my habits. It makes me wonder “What am I doing wrong?” Thank you for the reminder that my moods aren’t 100% the result of my actions and habits. They will come and go, sometimes without much rhyme or reason.
I’m sure I’m going to experience highs and lows along the way. As long as I can manage to get through them without drinking or bringing harm to others, I’m still going to consider it being on the middle path. I have a pretty graceful measuring stick for myself right now. Being a Zen Master with complete neutrality and balance all the time would be amazing, but not realistic 
. I could even potentially see myself becoming too extreme in the pursuit of balance, if I’m not mindful. It’s a goal to strive for, knowing it will be unattainable at times, or even pretty often.
I don’t think you’re raining on my parade at all!! I think you and I relate a lot, especially on this topic. I think you’re being realistic and pragmatic and I appreciate it. It benefits me a lot to hear these things and you often offer me up something valuable to consider. A friend doesn’t just shout praises all the time. They also offer input and poise challenging viewpoints. I believe it shows you care.
I’m really glad to hear you’re in a better place. I hope it lasts awhile, but even if it doesn’t, I know you know how to manage through it.
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I’m continuing with my affirmations, self esteem journal, and mindfulness meditation practice. It all seems to be helping. I’m being softer with myself and feel happier. When I’m happy I tend to be way less harsh and critical of others. Anytime I’ve picked others apart, it’s because I’m not in a good place myself and unhappy with myself. I don’t know if this is the pink cloud phase, or if it’s the therapy and daily efforts I’ve been making to be more positive. Maybe it doesn’t matter, but it’d be nice to feel like I know for sure that my efforts are making a difference. That this isn’t just the typical momentum and inspiration that has carried me in the early days before.
In the back of my mind, I still need to earn my own trust back. I’ve done this 90 day stint a bunch of times. I’ve done the 180 day stint a couple times. A big part of me, needs to push through these milestones to show myself that I can really do this. I tell myself they’re just markers in time and that today is what matters. And while I believe that in a logical sense, I still have a hard time feeling that. I’ve stumbled at those markers so many times, that it makes it easy to take these early days for granted. A “Been there. Done that.” mentality.
I had an interesting idea posed by my therapist during my appointment a couple days ago. She asked if I get any type of adrenaline rush from drinking. At first I said “No”, because all I can recall is the misery and attempts to drown out life. When I thought a little harder, I guess there is a rush at the very beginning. When I decide to drink, there’s a coinciding decision to sluff off every responsibility in life. That feels freeing in the moment. At the time. I know I’m playing a high stakes game and it’s literally life and death. It feels crazy and dangerous. And I know there’s some risky behaviors to follow. So I guess I do get a very strong (although short lived) spike of adrenaline or rush of excitement at the very beginning of a spree.
It quickly turns to despair.
She suggested looking for an alternative way of getting that rush. That it may be something I’m craving. I haven’t found a substitute for that feeling in my life yet and I don’t know that it’s a level of excitement I should be pursuing. Like maybe it’s too powerful and counter intuitive to my efforts to be more even keeled.
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