Few minutes ago I was drawing and from nowhere I got memory, which makes me honestly feel lonely.
So, basically, this memory is about me, my family and my mother’s best friend with her damily. We were all together in Italy few years ago hanging out and then it was night so mother’s best friend decided to stay with us, because their pwn house was far away from our village (in that village we have silly little house with a lot of bedrooms). My bedroom has there two beds and I’m sleeping on bed which is next to window. And that best friend has a son, which is the way younger than me and decided to be with me in room, so he was sleeping at bed next to the door.
And when was the night I was reading and trying to basically focus on that book, because I remember I felt a lot alone and useless and then comes that best friend to wish good night and sweet dreams to her son. She kissed him on face and hugged him.
And this… Well, honestly, fucked up me. I remember how all night I was just staring from window and thinking why me as a child didn’t have what that son has now. Yeah, I might sound stupid, but I was jelausy over this little thing.
My mother never did that to me, she only always said good night and that’s all.
Possibly they by accident triggered my mommy issues, which is for me understandable why I reacted like this.
And now I remember this and I feel a lot strange to knowing I have this in my head, in my brain, just basically as my memory. My story with my mother is way longer and deserves another, full time to speak about, but in short: as a child I had shitty relationships with my mother and even now we sometimes a lot argue or fight. She is as well mentally ill and maybe that’s why it’s way harder to communicate with her (especialy when she’s bordeline and fully emotional, why I’m schizoid and more likely a lot melancholic honestly).
Very strange to think of that all. But I needed to all this write down. Sometimes my thinking might be chaotic, so… That’s why I prefer to write every thought on paper or on display.
Also, is there anyone with mommy issues, too?
