Hello all,
I’ve been visiting the site for a while posting here and there. Love the meme thread! Little bit of background: first drink was 11ish, first time I got drunk was end of 8th grade, at 16 spent a summer drinking regularly but didn’t keep it up until 19, at nearly 20 got my first place and had 21 year old friends- started drinking 4+ days a week. This is where the extreme binge drinking started. There were usually about 4 to 8 of us sharing a handle of rum each night. Eventually changed to whiskey and now usually vodka cause it’s cheapest. I made my now-husband promise when we started dating that he would never ask me to stop drinking (he was sober at the time). That was when I was 23 drinking to black-out five or more days a week. And of course he broke that rule, I started getting unmanageable when I was drunk. I’ll be turning 35 in a week.
By society standards, I’m a high functioning alcoholic. My job is rarely impacted by my drinking, but if my boss asked me what I did on the weekend I would not be able to tell the truth. Over the last decade I have change my drinking pattern to black-out five days a week to two or less. I can frequently even go two days a month. Payday weekend is the hardest to resist.
My dad was an alcoholic. Because of this my mom helped create the Al-Anon club in the same town I grew up. She also attended AA meetings. She would frequently take me along. I knew many principles of sobriety and sayings of AA before I was old enough to know what they were really talking about. My mom was also very into self-help tapes. This all means I now have WAY TOO much knowledge about getting sober. I don’t know how to explain it but I feel like I learned the lessons that AA can teach before I had a problem so now they are null.
I gladly welcome dialogue from anyone. I plan on mostly making this a little journal that I use when ever I’m having alcoholic thoughts. Most posts probably won’t be this ridiculously long. I’m currently on day 6 which means I did make it through this weekend without alcohol. That would be the first time in almost two months.
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Maybe a meeting might help wish you well
I have been to many meetings in the last 3 years or so. I did find one I liked, but I have changed jobs and can no longer attend.
Bit of an emotional rollercoaster today. Planning 3 large purchases in the coming months and stretching finances thin. Dealing with emotions is difficult. Even with my part two years of meditation, I still don’t know how to feel it and let it go vs. shove it down and repress them.
I’ve spent a lot of time today listening to a couple of sobriety podcasts. I haven’t gotten more than a few episodes in on any one of them so I have no recommendations at this time.
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When I went to inpatient rehab, I had a master’s degree in clinical psychology and over 10 years doing academic research on alcoholism and drug addiction and addiction treatment.
When I got there, they told me that they had no information for me, that I knew how to talk the talk.
I didn’t get permanently sober for 11 more years. And it wasn’t knowledge that got me sober, it was a spiritual and emotional experience. Working the AA program didn’t give me more knowledge, it was an exercise in willingness and sincere doubt.
When I stopped ruling out the things I refused to do, I had a much easier time in sobriety. I wish the same for you, a long and easy sobriety.
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@anon51407452, my road to sobriety was an accumulation of consequences, most particularly multiple DUI convictions. In the short form, I desperately wanted the consequences to stop and I wanted to be able to stop drinking, but I simply could not. I had to be humbled and beaten down until I was ripe for the spiritual moment that came to me.
When I knew in my bones that everything was going to be alright and I would be able to stop drinking, and I managed to stay dry for almost a month, I returned to AA with a willingness to do what I was told. Without question. I was convinced that my thinking and logic was broken and my judgement could not be trusted.
They said to get a sponsor, so I got a sponsor at my second meeting back, no hesitation. He said to read Step 1 in the 12 and 12, every day, so I did for over a month. I did this because he was sober 11 years and seemed to have something I wanted.
I found, in step work and therapy and by listening at meetings that all my brilliant knowledge was a defense against my having to face myself and accept responsibility for my actions and reactions. I needed to change my behavior in order to change my feelings and to cultivate new ways of thinking. I used to use intellect to put myself apart and above the human race. I used my spiritual experience and AA practice to join the throng and grow to love it.
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I listen to a live recovery meeting every Tues on Facebook. Search Serenity Village Community Church. Go to videos. Pastor is a recovering addict and has a lot of great insight.
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I have a hard time with most AA meetings because I am a staunch atheist; I have been since about the age 13, before I ever had a drink. I find it difficult to sit in a room with others discussing their personally (generally Christian leaning) beliefs.
I had a sponsor but things fell apart at step 2. I have found an agnostic group locally. I have gone a few times but it is later in than evening than I usually prefer to be awake. It’s at 7pm but I have to be awake by 3am for work. I know that sounds like an excuse but I try very hard to make sure I’m actually sleeping properly. Being tired reduces my mental strength to keep from drinking.
One podcast I found was called AA Beyond Belief. I’m appreciating it so far. More of the talk about sober journeys and less about being saved. If there are any other atheists I would recommend it to them. It’s easy to feel like an outsider among outsiders when you don’t believe in a “higher power”
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8 days and 23 hours. I should be asleep when that role over so I’m gonna call it 9 days now. Needing to wake up at 3am means it’s usually very easy for me to stay sober during the week. I do have a very empty weekend schedule though coming up. Tomorrow I’ll try to brain storm things, other than just sleeping through the weekend I can do to stay sober. Labor day weekend I’ll be working something like 14 hours of overtime so I won’t have time to drink then.
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AA saved my life. Let me get that out of the way at the outset. If there was one thing I could change about it, i would remove all the monotheistic, particularly Christian, and paternal references to the higher power.
My first higher power was the court system and Department of Corrections. They told me where to go at what time and the things I should do and not do there. With immediate and irrefutable consequences for failure. That’s a power greater than me. And ultimately, they had my success and best interest at heart. They wanted me sober and out of their supervision.
My next layer of higher power was my AA home group and friends. Here, indeed, was a very large group of people who had solved their alcohol problem, while I had no clue how to not drink.
Another good AA died yesterday in our community. It was unexpected, a fishing boat accident. We talked in the meeting today about death. I’m a scientific guy, I believe in the physical law that matter and energy must be conserved, they cannot be created or destroyed, only transformed. When a man or a dog or my mother dies, the energy that was “life” goes someplace. I believe there is a great pool of spirit that provides animation to living beings. A death is the return of energy to that pool while the body decomposes into its constituent elements. RIP Mickey.
I need atheists in AA. I need Jesus spouters, and confused idealists and Wiccans and Muslims and Rastas and Hindus and believers of every stripe. Because they all have part of the answers I seek. And you, I need you in my sobriety for the same reason.
Blessings on your house 
as you begin your journey.
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Thanks. I also believe in things more powerful than my self. No matter how cool I think I am or how hard I try, I will never be able to change the gravitational constant. I have no power over time or distances between universal bodies or vibrations in atoms.
From my meditation this morning: Thoughts are not Facts. “In mindfulness, we are learning to change our relationship to thoughts because our thoughts can fix us on the vicious cycle of addiction.” We often think our thoughts are true or buy into the stories they make. Mindfulness helps us disconnect from their story. My biggest false story my thoughts tell me about addiction is: Life without drinking would be boring.
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I guess after reading that, I’m left wondering what is the definition of a higher power, like what is it supposed to do, and does any one else not have one?
I have often thought that the concept of God was invented for two reasons: comfort and conformity. Saying things are God’s will make people feel better. They had no control over the situation because it was what the omnipresent, omnipotent God wanted. No responsibility, no guilt. Or it was used to keep societies in check with what the humans in power wanted. Don’t revolt against the government cause that’s not what God would want. I don’t really feel like conforming and I don’t need comforting from something I can’t see or touch.
Ok changing gears now because I’ve had too much God stuff in my life recently. I have been going strong for a while nearly 10 days. I stopped drinking basically right before bed time so my roll over happens basically at bed time. The weekdays are rarely difficult not to drink on, it’s Friday and Saturday that are my weakness. My husband usually goes to bed with in minutes of is getting home from work on Friday; leaves me too much time to do stupid shit. I have plans to get back on track with working out with my sister, we took a break for summer. But that usually only keeps me busy until about 330pm. I plan on trying to go to bed at my normal time on Friday and Saturday that will only leave me like 3 hours to figure out what to do with myself. There hours isn’t enough time to get black-out drunk so this should act as healthy yet probably only temporary solution. I will need to come up with other ideas too. My best friend and blackout buddy had also decided we should not be drinking and have alternative plans for when we hang out. It’s just the alone time that is the biggest hurdle. Need to practice jumping.
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There is order in the universe that transforms the chaos. There is a connection between all living things and all things that have lived and all things that shall live.
You are part of a whole. The wholeness, the connection,the order, these are all the higher power. There are forces mostly unseen, spirits or angels, at large among us.
For me, the whole of which I am a part is the best understanding I have of the higher power. It is the sum of all energies, something along those lines.
I feel close to the higher power outdoors, and having mental conversation with my dead mother.
Changing gears,if you have 3 hours to fill and you don’t want to hit a meeting, I suggest repetitive physical action, like stacking wood or mowing a lawn. Something that brings immediate,measurable results.
Blessings on your house .
Got my food box delivery tonight so spent my time getting the kitchen ready for a great food prep day to set the week off right.
I love cooking! Can’t wait to be eating all of this delicious stuff all week. I got all of this as only 2 settings but I just add in a bunch more veggies and make all of them three servings instead. So much cheaper and healthier. Yum!
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I’m using Home Chef. The ginger beef one is SO good! I’m gonna try a couple other providers since they all over the discounts when you first start then decide which one I like best. I like the fact that this one (the first service I’ve ever tried) have me a little three-ring binder and a page with each recipe on it to add into the binder.
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I spent all day yesterday helping clean a back yard that has been neglected for 5+ years. Grass/weeds up to my waist and trees that have sprouted and had too long to grow where they shouldn’t.
Today (Day 13), I slept in until about 530 then started cleaning. I got our kitchen sparkling before I started my meal prep. I was finally done with all of that at about noon. Only had one small load of dishes to do to be done for the whole day. I’m going to have delicious lunches and dinners all week. Next weekend/week is going to be a bit tricky though. I’m working all the days of the holiday weekend. No time for cooking and my food box doesn’t get delivered until Friday. I’ll fit it in somehow but I wanna make sure I don’t mess up my sleep cycle too bad.
The first day of my online class is suppose to start tomorrow. The teacher has yet to publish it to the online website though. I’m taking GES 520-Issues in Global Environmental Sustainability. It’s basically the same thing I got my bachelor’s in. I figured taking a class which I should know most of the knowledge already is a good way to figure out if I have enough time for school.
Hope everyone is well! Stay strong and have a great week!
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Today is my birthday. I’m now 35. I don’t have any plans as it is a week night. Although honestly, I haven’t really been excited about my birthday for the last couple years.
This isn’t a great picture but it’s what I decided to hang on my wall; it’s the first thing I see in the morning every day.
I’ve been listening to the meditation course called Breaking the Vicious Cycle of Addiction by Valarie Mason-John on my Insight Timer app. I’m on day 7 with that currently. It has some useful things to think about in reference to thought patterns and addiction. I am really enjoying it. I can recognize a lot of what she talks about in myself from previous to my therapy. I was a huge ball of negative self-talk. I was what I decided to call a negative narcissist. Everything bad that happened was definitely because of me; it was all my fault. Therapy was one of the best decisions of my life.
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