Hi I’m Jay, and I’m an Alcoholic
A sentence I only used to make fun of growing up arriving at parties in my teenage years and eventually early adulthood. Now, a common introduction for Thursday night meetings.
When I was younger, I was incredibly naive to the true harm alcohol can have and what kind of a crutch it could be for me. Especially when it came to hiding my emotions and feelings. I always wanted to be known as the happy bubbly type, the good time, friends with everyone. In a way I was a pick-me.
I didn’t want people to know that I grew up in an emotionally abusive environment, or that I was raped at 15; battled suicidal ideologies constantly, followed by a dangerously abusive relationship at 20 with an attempt at taking my life (Thankfully, unsuccessful). Leaving that relationship to only find a newly failed one leaving me homeless with a stolen CC maxed to the 9s and individuals who only fed into my addiction when I suggested I might be going too hard.
Eventually , I thankfully lost everything. And it took me losing everything (or most certainly feeling like I had) and pouring a 70/20 on my lunch break and later 2 bottles of wine and 10 old fashions waking up in my exs house the next morning to realize “Oh my god I have a problem”
Sober me would NEVER breathe in that ass hats direction let alone pass out in their bed. Thus a dawn of sobriety from a dumb drunk decision.
When I started telling people “Hey I’m not drinking” it almost felt like people thought I was kidding. “Ha, no you’re not!!” Was a common response. Almost as if people wanted me to fail. Or so it felt. All the while at this time I started my own business.
However, what people don’t warn you about when starting sobriety is the WILD mood swings you get when you’re going sober. I don’t think anyone could have prepared me for the amount of emotions that I wasn’t feeling hitting me non consensually like a ton of bricks and having to navigate through life feeling ALL OF THEM sometimes at once. Plus all the other things like sweats and shakes which I ignorantly thought was only from coming off hard drugs which I had thankfully never done.
Another thing I wasn’t prepared for was losing friends. Close friends, social friends. People stopped inviting me out because I wasn’t drinking. It was quite a lonely time. However, it was a blessing in disguise.
During the emotional rollercoaster and chaos of finding myself and friends I developed a short lasted fling and honestly, a part of my heart breaks because I probably put that individual through turmoil as I was trying to navigate feelings and my own personal hell without being able to explain. It was a very long distance thing and They were someone who actively drank so regardless I don’t foresee it would have ever worked out regardless. Looking back I know I felt I was going crazy and acted borderline insane as I had all these bottled emotions coming to light and they were my only person to express to. Poor guy.
After that had fizzled out and ran its course, I shortly after reconnected with someone from my youth. Unexpectedly, we fell hard for one another, they are perfect. It’s sickening really. They don’t actively drink and are an entrepreneur as well, kind, patient and everything positive and glorious you could ever hope and dream for in a partner.
After struggling going sober for almost a year on my own and feeling the weight of outside influences, I ended up reaching out to a client who was openly sober and supportive of my journey. I asked for guidance and help and with that they came with me to my very first AA meeting. Or as I like to call it, My weekly introduction;)
With this new found support and positivity in my life, my business grew, very fast and allowed me to open up in multiple locations, I lost my boozie weight a total of 50lbs, I learned how to control and handle my emotions though sometimes I still struggle I will admit. I have gained a whole new group of friends who support and love me and who even celebrate my sober birthday with me! And I have found a love that once upon a time I felt I never deserved.
In conclusion, the old saying “Time heals all” still stands. I thought it was a crock especially when I felt at rock bottom but, when you truly give it time, all the pieces fall into place.
Hi, I’m Jay. I am an alcoholic. And sober for 1 year 6 months and 16 days.
Thank you for reading my readers digest story.
