Thirteen months… With clinched fists and a weight that feels like the sky has fallen on me, l’ve survived without you, thirteen months… (This is the longest we’ve both been sober since I met you💔) Not one part of it easy, Surviving. I’ve survived more than I ever thought possible. The hollow numbness, the feeling that I’m an empty husk blown about… The hands of addiction have broken me open, exposing me. Leaving claw marks from a fight I both won and lost, a defeat and triumph that came with a price I wouldn’t have agreed to, had I known then what I know now. I’m no longer who I used to be. Looking in the mirror I don’t even recognize the girl staring back at me. I don’t think you would either. Your urn on our entertainment stand is what sits in place of his physical body, along with a hard hat and work boots that will never be worn again. Stark reminders of the storm that ripped you from this earth, just thirteen month’s ago. Gone, vanished into thin air at the snap of a finger, with one puff off that tiny, innocent looking pill that held death inside it. A decision made, echoing in the halls of eternity forever.
We are all on borrowed time, trying to learn the importance of being in the “now” because “later” hangs in the air. Grief is contradictory thing, it hurts to feel it, it hurts worse not to feel it…I am humbled by it. Nothing, yet anything, gets to me. Raining emotions down onto me like a dam busting. The fact that I’m still here is proof of the human spirit’s fight to exist, even in the face of indescribable pain. How I am able to still smile and face the days with so much emotion behind my eyes I could bring entire kingdoms to their knees, is beyond me. Maybe I really am as strong as everyone keeps suggesting I am… All I know is It would be easier if this pain was a roaring, raging anger inside of me, the likes of which could destroy worlds. Instead of this quiet sadness that has seeped into my bones, flowing through me like air. Changing me and molding me into someone I don’t know. It can only be defined as both the absolute absence and the absolute overwhelming presence, of love itself… Images of you run through my mind nonstop without permission, as if you’re begging to be remembered. Like I could ever begin to forget you. I have been handed a task, I am now the keeper of a life that has weaved itself into everything I am and do… Forced to carry on where you left off… I hope Daniel is happy wherever he may be. I believe with all my heart he is, what was broken is now whole I can’t wait to see him again someday. Until then, I am reaching for hope amidst this chaos and reality. No longer focused on the debris, I am looking up. My eyes have a death grip on the sky, and I am not letting go. I will continue towards sobriety and recovery, come what may❤️ I don’t know how much time I have left on this earth, if I’ll die at 80 or next week, I do know I’m going to try my best to love this life with all I have though, for both of us. Who knows, maybe 80 years on this earth will feel like 20 and maybe, l’ll blink and be back in his arms again.
