Oh mate I’m with you all the way. My Mrs best quotes of the day have been, Have a joint if it’s bothering you that much, Don’t talk on that app if it’s not about drink, Go use an expert because how does she know that when I go to AA we aren’t a load of gang bangers. 
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Change isn’t easy. Staying sober for an addict is a different way of life, and it takes letting go of a lot of things that are part of our identity. I hope you choose to continue to stay sober, because things will get better.
If you are addict, then continuing drinking or abusing whatever your DOC is will eventually destroy your life, and the lives of the people around you. That has always been my experience.
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Wow. That was just the uplifting I needed.
I agree with this as well. Someone else commented that if I were to give in, I would eventually be right back where I was, desperate to be where I am now. So true. This is all such a huge learning experience for me. And so humbling.
I always felt the idea behind step 1 (as I understood it) to be somewhat distasteful and self-defeating, but I think I’m starting to get it.
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Self-defeating. Funny that’s the word you choose.
For me addiction is just that and nothing else.
I thought that addiction was nothing bad really.
But since I woke I can look back and see it costed me.
Love to read along with this thread 
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You’d be surprised at how many people also see step 1 in a similar way.
The thing to remember is that this is our ego talking here.
Our ego has kept us drinking and drugging because then we think we are in control, until we find it hard to stop.
Admitting step 1 is a big part of our recovery. To my mind, until we totally understand what step 1 means there is always the chance that the ego can get hold of us again.
Open mind open heart and a willingness to try absolutely anything is what is needed.
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It’s funny, lately (like within the past week or so) I’ve had these fleeting moments of a feeling of detachment from myself. Like I’m watching someone else’s movie and just sort of observing the way my body and mind are responding to the the environment. I see things I think I do well and other things (many things) that I need to improve upon, but without judgment one way or another. It’s hard to describe. Is this something others have experienced? Probably just means I need more sleep or something! But it’s usually right after a difficult moment and I would say it’s almost spiritual. I don’t know what that’s about but it makes me wonder if it might be related to some of this that you guys are saying about the ego.
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I’m no expert. Day 2 (
). I totally get the “drinking relationship”. I can relate FULLY. I have also witnessed it with smokers or people that start an exercise/clean-eating change. People don’t want us to change. If we want to move to a new town for a good job, higher education, people tend to like us just as we are —alcoholics & all— and can give us a ton of reasons why we should “stay where we are”. I don’t believe it is intentional.
I would try to take that energy and turn it into being an example for her, that you can survive having self-control and self-discipline. She may get worse before she decides to jump onboard, but maybe your sobriety will appeal to her over time?
I feel for you. But stay above it! We’re all in this together.
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I’d say it’s more to do with the fact that you are learning to live with life without drinking. Without escaping it. I experienced similar feelings.
I put it down to the process and learned to live my life. Free
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Thank you for sharing this. That was great to read.
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Doogie! You are so on that path of awakening I feel your posts…
That hoovering over situations and reflecting on your behavior… That happend to me to.
I have this theory on our mind.
We have 2 minds and they both look alike (imma plug my spoken word piece on it shamelessly)
Your “clear mind” is trying to detach from the “addict mind” which I call my monster and inhe lives on my shoulder. Sometimes he just whispers… And at other times he’ll just scream at me to do the wrong thing. As I progress in the program of NA I do accept that as my Ego inflating due to bad decisions I make.
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@doogie - the first month is hard. It has been a year and half for me and my still does not understand why I have to goto AA.
Just like others who already told you this
- pour out the beer
- tell your wife what happened in the past and be 100% transparent whatever the results are and it will relieve you from all the thoughts in your head
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You remind me something a bike shop person said in the village before a serious hill climb on the Lancaster to York marathon… “The first half mile’s the hardest”. JOKER, the hill just got steeper and steeper for at least an hour 
. I was pushing uphill uphill uphill…
We have a steep climb of recovery with lots of little summits on the way, stumbles and storms; the final summit will be glorious.
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Ha…I’m starting to think maybe it’s more like Sisyphus and the summit is a lie. Maybe the key is to find a way to appreciate the climb.
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That was great! I really liked that. Thank you. I agree…I think that’s the trick with cognitive dissonance as well. Our conscious mind is constantly trying to interpret and rationalize our subconscious’s drives without us even realizing it. Come to think of it, it feels a whole lot like a chronically abusive relationship…our rational mind searching for novel ways of excusing and validating our subconscious’s base impulses, often driven by fears that we’d rather pretend didn’t exist. It seems to me that by breaking free from addiction we’re granting our poor abused conscious mind the ability to stand up for itself and say no, I will not act on irrational impulse anymore. But it turns out that our subconscious’s fear and other negative impulses were as much us as our higher rational selves, which I think is truly terrifying and kind of illustrates the crux of the issue (at least that’s how I’m feeling about it today).
Thank you for sharing this!
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Thanks for starting this thread Michael. So many great insights here. So much recognition. I could have written almost exactly what @Meggers wrote here. And I recognise so much from what you what write yourself. Just over half a year sober and clean here, and it has not gotten any easier yet. Staying sober isn’t the hard part for me. It is learning to live, to grow from the kid I was when I started smoking and drinking and I still am into a 54 year old that can handle life. It’s bloody hard work. But it is the only way to go. once we recognise what our DOC’s mean to us, why we abuse them, they don’t longer work in any way. Not for me anyway. So the only way to go is forward. One day at a time. Two steps forward one step back. And a hundred other clichés that are actually true. I’m crying and laughing at the same time. Despite all the pain it’s good to be alive. Thanks again. Keep going. We’re doing this.
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I think this is more profound than you may realize. I too am starting to believe this is the way to true happiness.
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This topic is goosebumps galore! One share after another.
I have stated it before and I will again I LOVE YOU ALLLLLLL
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