You know, ive been doing so well. I even went on holiday to spain last month and could have a couple of drinks without it going any further than that. This was the first drink ive had in 2 months and i really thought id done it. I can drink like a “normal” person! A few weeks later i visit a friend at home who offers me a beer and after that one beer something happens in my brain and i buy a bottle of wine. After two or 3 glasses i contact my dealer and go out partying. I cant just have one or two drinks and i really wish i could. Its not very often i do this - about 3 times a year but i hate myself so much afterwards. Im a mental health professional and Im supposed to know how all of this works. What is wrong with me?! 
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Nothing is wrong with you; we are having to learn to relearn how to be our best selves - and that simply means figuring out the plan to not give in to our DOC.
I am right there with you in the self loathing club, for the same reason. I thought I was doing great, thought I had it together - and after saying no to other beverages at a community party - I said why not to a glass of wine…and then a pitcher of cocktails later… it was my choice, and I knew what I was doing. And I am living with so much regret and shame now.
But I am not going to let that define me or hold me back; I have learned a lot from this relapse because I have a plan for next time I am tempted by a similar situation; I am going to leave it.
What’s your strategy for the next time?? How are you planning to move forward??
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Maybe try ameeting meet like minded people who have been were you are now wish you well
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Nothing is wrong with you. Your body - rightly - is rejecting a poison (alcohol). That’s what it’s supposed to do.
I’m a teacher. Addiction doesn’t discriminate. You live with an addiction. Addiction is not about how often you drink. It’s about how one is too many, and a thousand is never enough: you can’t stop. It’s an addiction.
You can find what you need to be the person you want to be, but it starts with recognizing you have a problem and it’s more than you can handle alone. (Recovery takes help from others; you can’t do it alone.) Visit some meetings, AA, SMART Recovery, etc, and meet some people in recovery. Hang out here on Talking Sober. Don’t give up, and don’t give in!
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Nothing is wrong with you. Apparently more research was needed. Learn from the research, apply what you’ve learned, don’t beat yourself up. Be happy to learn. It takes practice. Thanks for sharing, try and be kind to yourself.
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How true. I learned the most important lesson this time on the sober journey. I cannot only have 1 drink. I am not in control of alcohol consumption.
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The question to ask yourself now, knowing the truth that cannot moderate, is how can you live a life without alcohol and drugs. The short, snarky, answer to “What’s wrong with me?” is that you’re an alcoholic and addict - your ability to get away with it without external consequences and cognitive dissonance is rapidly vanishing.
I am also a trained mental health professional - I conducted federally funded research into alcoholism and addiction in the height of the crack epidemic, conducted counseling sessions for recovery and family therapy, wrote scholarly, peer-reviewed papers etc. All while drinking like a fish and suffering increasingly worsening consequences to my health, finances, relationships, jobs and my soul. Logic and knowledge don’t mean shit to us alcoholics. It doesn’t work to stop us drinking, and we can manipulate it to divert attention away from our behavior to keep our justifications strong.
What worked for me was doing something about it. Taking action. Being led along the path by those who had success. My first AA sponsor had the unimaginable length of 11 years sober - I could barely get to 11 days on my own, and I decided to do what he did in order to get what he got.
What are you willing to do to get and stay sober? What have you refused to do so far, and should you reconsider that in light of how well your own way has worked out for you? And when it comes to drinking and drugs, the hardest question to answer because the answer must be demonstrated by daily living in fair conditions and foul is “Are you done yet?”
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Welcome back!
Dan asked all the same questions I was going to.
I’ll add a quote from chapter 3 of the Big Book that applies to many coming back after a relapse.
All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals—usually brief—were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization.
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