I’ve been in and out of recovery for 5 years now. Hundreds, if not thousands, of relapses at this point. Rehab twice, therapy, psychedelics (shrooms and DMT), meditation, affirmations, yoga, spiritual literature, AA literature, spiritual/religious experiences, movies/documentaries, moving back home with family, no smartphone, cutting up my bankcard - on multiple occasions, limited access to money (both through choice to stop me using) SMART Recovery, AA/NA/CA meetings, on my third sponsor atm, currently working Step 1 again…and as much as my sponsor is amazing and so are my family and small group of friends, I’m fed up.
I’m at the point where I’ve tried everything in my power and it appears that even my Higher Power can’t prevent me from using and slowly killing myself. I’m now: overweight, losing my hair, my septum is almost entirely gone due to cocaine use, I’m broke, have been diagnosed with ME (which in itself makes me not want to live sometimes) and I’m truly getting tired of even trying.
I’m not expecting sympathy, replies or even anyone to read this. I’m just getting it off my chest. I took money out of my daughters piggy bank, using tweezers, and was going to go and pick up. I’m aware of how messed up and disgusting that is, yes I put the money in there in the first place but that’s not the point…stealing is stealing. Luckily, the dealer didn’t reply and I did the right thing by putting it back and jumping on here instead of messaging someone else or harming myself - as I’ve not been in a good place at all this evening.
I’m almost 48 hours clean but hopefully I’ll look back on this one day to remind myself of just how far I’ve come and how ridiculous this all was at the time.
I read this. No sympathy here but definitely EMPATHY. Quitting Addiction is hard! Process to abstain completely may take minute by minute self determination. Sounds like you want it. AA, sponsor and step work can really work to keep you sober. My suggestions… as worked for me… keep all things sober in your full view. Stay away from all substances and triggers… These changes you may find really difficult. I do not know your living environment. Sounds like you have family and a good support system. Use them. Life does get better and easier. Yep it is a FULL TIME JOB. I am rooting for you!
I appreciate your reply, thank you for being kind and offering some advice from your own personal experience. Also, thank you for the encouragement…it means a lot.
Fall seven times, get up eight. You only truly fail when you stop trying. Just realize that you haven’t quite figured out sobriety YET. I know it can be frustrating to keep falling off. I started last year in July and kept failing until January. I got 4.5 months of sobriety and then fell off in June and was off the wagon until the 1st and now I’m 21 days sober again.
So I get your frustration for sure. It sucks so much to feel so powerless to your addiction. To think that you might never get a lid on it. But the truth is you gotta keep doing the work. Keep going to meetings. Keep reading and listening to things that teach you how to grow. Because one day it’s going to stick. One day you’re going to be standing in the sun and feel the breeze on your face and know that you’ve made it.
I feel what ur saying and I appreciate the brute honesty in ur post. I can relate alot to it from my past. Especially about trying literally everything to get clean and sober. Thats how i felt for decades especially the last few years of the problem. Im glad u got this off ur chest. Ur honesty is appreciated bcuz i think alot of us felt that deep hopelessness of addiction, i know i did.
The beginning is tough with the strong cravings and urges to use. One of the greatest things that helped me get clean was coming on here FIRST, any time i had the urge to use. We cant do this alone and so the community here on TS helped me get thru the cravings, as we would all help u. Ur not alone. Just focus on One day at a time and no. matter. what. DO NOT pick up. I used to have a name for my addict “voice” and Id tell this voice to sh*t up lol literally out loud id yell it bcuz those thoughts are ALL lies! Once u can determine when that voice is speaking, u can challenge those thoughts. Do something diff. Exercise, do something to distract u, go for a walk, have a warm shower, come on here and vent it out. Those days will add up and eventually that voice isnt so strong anymore. U deserve a happy, healthy life. I hopw u come on here often and post. The group here has been a lifesaver for me
Congratulations on your 48 hours! That’s an amazing achievement.
When you loose hope, just come here. Vent, rant, cry… get it all out. There is always hope to spare in the TS community, and one day you will be the one giving hope to someone who lost it.
