“Turn over one’s life to” this is what I’m not understanding. What does that mean? Yes, you are describing an element of the universe that is very beautiful and is greater than myself, but how do I turn my life over to it? How does it save me?
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It’s not so much about simply believing that there are elements of the universe, or existence, that are greater than myself. I find that easy to believe. It’s the idea that I need to turn to those elements to save me since I can’t save myself. Like, how do forces of nature have any control over me? To me that implies that they are sentient, all knowing, have free will, etc… and that’s what I don’t believe. Nature is a great force that will exist long after I’m gone, but it has no thoughts or feelings towards me specifically or whether or not I drink. It has no intentions towards me.
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I have this question too, about my external power. I’m not sure how it works.
I don’t think I will ever have an answer to that question. I think of this in terms of position and perception. (Any person or thing’s position affects its perception of things. It also affects its ability to see how things work. If I am inside a system, I cannot see it from the outside. A leaf, for example, cannot understand the forest in the same way a human understands a forest.)
A plant is not in a position to understand why or how the sun does what it does to provide the energy the plant needs to live (at least, not in the same way a human astronomer does). That doesn’t stop the plant from turning its leaves to the sun.
(Not to put too fine a point on it, but we humans don’t understand much about how the sun works to provide energy for plants either. We understand some of the mechanics of fusion and light, but the quantity of information and understanding we do not have about how the sun works dwarfs what we do know. But admitting ignorance and accepting it as a starting point, is a great way to learn and grow.)
I don’t know if that answers your question, but for me, that’s a point of perception that I start from when I’m thinking of these things.
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I’m not an organized religion participant. My understanding of a higher power is wide ranging. I take time each morning to be grateful for another day of sobriety and to ask for guidance. Is that praying? Maybe. I also read and contemplate on a daily reader. It has some early 20th century spiritualism as an influence, and it talks about us being in a box of space and time, being aware of the box, and being aware of something outside the box. It also uses the image of being in the stream of divine goodness. I tend to get trippy thinking about it, and that works for me.
Two things come to mind. First, when I was early on in AA and my sponsor asked me to pray every day, I told him about my trouble doing that. He told me to pick someone in AA and use that face to address my prayers to. Some semi-Buddhist dude named Jim doesn’t know it, but he was the face that I assigned to the collective wisdom of AA. His was the face of the energy of love that I longed for.
Second, nothing is going to save you but you. No matter how fervently we pray or believe or claim the direction in our lives is due to divine intervention, we are the ones who decide to not drink, who decide to be kind when we feel judgmental, to be quiet when we want to hurt with words, who act on our desire to be sober by taking a new route home from work, by laying down the paper or the Facebook and reading something ‘spiritual’ instead. I heard a woman who won a spot on the Olympic 1500 meter team say “All glory to the Lord, I came in third. And all glory to the Lord if I finished last.” and I thought - the Lord didn’t lace up your sneakers and get you out the door at sunrise for workouts. There is plenty to be said for humility, for the attitude of placing self last, but again, that attitude is the result of and is displayed by the actions that we take.
To be completely candid, my first higher power was the court system and the Department of Corrections. And how to turn my will and life over to them was pretty clear, with immediate negative consequences if I did not. I chose to use that time and that relationship to understand that I could not control my own behavior and I needed help, from them, from my sponsor and AA group, from my counselor, from the Antabuse I took, from my family, to learn to control myself.
Pick some image that emanates some positive energy to you. Tell that energy that you are grateful to have another day sober (not that it gave it to you, just that you have the day) and ask it to be shown what to do and how to do it. Then look for clues throughout the day as to what you are to do and how to do it.
Act first, then figure out the thoughts and feelings later, that’s what I had to do. I was told to behave my way into better thinking, not think my way into better action.
I hope that helps. It’s been good for me to have you ask these questions, so thank you.
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Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts. This has been very helpful, even if I’m not 100% there yet.
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I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts and experience. I’ll continue to work on my understanding of a higher power. Meanwhile, I’m grateful for another sober day under my belt.
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I know a guy who is like 8 years sober very involved in AA and still describes himself a “card carrying athiest” his higher power is the universe or something. Great dude too.
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Laura, at the end of the day if God or a higher power doesnt work for you maybe AA isnt for you and thats ok. Try Smart Recovery, it works for alot of people. Dissecting a Programme like AA to try understand why it wont work for you wont keep you sober.
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Hi there 
I went to AA for some months last year and I, like you, am not spiritual and really struggled with that. I kept going because it was what I was told to do. I even got a sponsor and we started reading the books but when it got to the steps I told her I was uncomfortable moving forward. Possibly a character default that I didn’t do the steps but that was my decision. I stopped going to the meetings because I was embarrassed about not doing the steps. I’m not sure they would have judged me. They were all really nice people but I didn’t feel right going knowing I had no intention of working steps. Nature is my higher power. When the weather is nice or the sky beautiful, I take a minute out of my day and tell mother nature thank you. So I did take something from AA in that way. I use this app and the people inside as my biggest tool in sobriety. I’ve also read recovery books and done some self reflection. I listen to audiobooks of other people’s journey of addiction and recovery to help remind me everyone’s path is different and hearing the addiction part reminds me how bad it can get. You will find what works for you!!
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