Really questioning if AA is for me

Advice & Questions
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I’m looking for some advice from those who have either found success with AA, or some other program.

I’m just over 2 months sober after 25 years of disordered drinking. I’ve been to about 5 AA meetings and 4 different groups. My general experience with AA so far has been VERY positive, in the sense that all the people there are so friendly and supportive and seem to care about each other (and me). It’s been a sense of connection and understanding that I think I really needed to get me this far. There are lots of things about AA that I like, but I haven’t really “worked the steps” and to be honest, I’m having a really hard time with the whole spiritual aspect of AA. I was raised completely atheist (though I respect everyone’s right to believe and worship what feels right to them). I keep hearing people in AA say that when they relapsed it was because they weren’t taking the spiritual side seriously and weren’t in touch with their higher power. And that you can’t just take what you like from AA and leave the rest, or you will likely fail. I’m worried that this might become a self-fulfilling prophecy, like if I’m being told over and over that I will fail, one day I’ll just think what’s the point and let it happen. I know ultimately that is up to me, I’m just not sure how helpful it is to hear that message over and over. I also hear others who were non religious say that you can make your higher power whatever you want, like a tree. But I just don’t get it. Like, what is that supposed to do for me? And if I just go through the motions and say it’s a tree, I’m still not having my true “spiritual awakening”’so I am still likely to fail (according to what I’m being told). I’m not sure how to figure out this higher power thing, and I’m also not sure I want to. I want to stay sober, but i feel like I should be able to be successful without changing my core values. I know there are other programs out there, but they are nowhere near as accessible as AA which is free and everywhere.

Curious if there’s anyone who also struggled with this part of AA, and did you figure it out? Or did you find a different program? TIA.

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There are other ways. I just read a lot and listened to a lot of podcasts, found community here (also went to a few meetings, it also wasn’t for me but I know it helps a lot of ppl and I don’t wanna discredit that) and most importantly I began psychotherapy which I am still doing. I’ve worked on understanding what in my mind was stuck so that eventually my life was unbearable. And through a lot of attention and emotional work, those things became unstuck.
It doesn’t matter where you do this work, or only insofar as you’ll be able to do it better and deeper in some contexts than in others.
You could consider staying in AA for the community if you enjoy that, and do your work in a different context under premises that fit better w you.

Congratulations on two months and welcome to the Forum!

Resources for our recovery

Checking in daily to maintain focus #67

Your #1 tip for sobriety (over 2 years sober)

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I absolutely struggled with the spiritual side of AA. I did the steps, and say I just squeaked past the steps that involve God. For me God is absolutely Group Of Drunks or Good Orderly Direction or Great Out Doors. Some meetings are more religious than others, there are purely atheist meetings that you can search for and do online. I believe I had a spiritual awakening, in that I no longer obsess over drinking, which I could never have imagined. I also keep working on myself instead of escaping, which I also never could have imagined. I still don’t believe in a Christian God, and four years sober next month.

But if you can’t or don’t want to do the mental gymnastics to stay in AA then try other programs. AA is not the only way. But never listen to someone who says you will or will not fail, that is entirely up to you and the work you put in, whatever form that may be.

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Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

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Thank you, I think I do need to do more counselling. Actual psychotherapy would be expensive for me unfortunately.

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I’m the same with na but you notice little things Ill call coincidences that remind you why your doing this take them as god a higher power or just that coincidences but there are signs

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Hi, im involved with AA myself and have been for a long time. I questioned the spirtitual aspect of AA too. However, AA talks about a ‘God of your understanding’ or connecting to a higher power, your higher power. That can really be anything, its not religious at all.

So i look at it like this, being in a room with people and connecting with them is a power greater than myself. Nature is a power greater than me… By connecting, feeling at peace and sharing honestly in the rooms we are easing our spirit. Spirituality doesnt have to be about religion, spirituality is finding your inner peace. Beginning to love yourself, be honest and true to yourself and accepting yourself the good, bad and indifferent. When you begin to do that you can begin to experience a spiritual awakening that AA talks about, being connected and at ease with yourself and others around you.

Recovery isnt about just not drinking, recovery is about finding out who you really are, accepting yourself, loving yourself and being honest and true to self. A journey of self discovery, when you begin to do this, you will never want to drink again.

Plus, there are more ways to get well and recover. Smart recovery is also a fantastic programme for recovery. Worth a shot

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when i got sober there was only AA then so im bias this sept ill be 38 years sober , but today there is other ways .wish you well

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Yeah, I heard that failure message, too, and it was not good! I didn’t want to do any of the work in AA at the time, and I latched onto the nay-sayers mantra and believed it was inevitable for me, that I would drink again.

What helped me out was a couple of things. First, going to an AA meeting is a spiritual action. Actions taken to tap into any source of strength outside myself are spiritual. Reading some literature, or contacting another AA just for the practice of it, sitting quietly and asking to be shown what to do, all those are spiritual acts.

The appendix in the Big Book describes a spiritual experience as a personality change sufficient to overcome alcoholism. That’s not mysterious at all, and it is open to many interpretations. The other deal about the “spiritual experience” is that it comes as a result of working the steps. If you can find a sponsor or a group to help you through that, without any dogma around the definition of the higher power, you can be on your way.

I like instructions, and there are step study guides, even pretty formal ones that I have seen that are good starts. The Stratford Men’s Group out of Connecticut has a very formal process, with their own study guide that is meant to be worked continuously by older and newer members together - I’ve used that with some guys in jail to good success. I was brought through the steps on a set of study guides that focus on the Big Book and the 12 & 12. There are also intensive weekends for step work.

It helped me to listen to my sponsor, but also to others who expressed their spiritual experience in vague terms, without reference to a specific type of higher power. There is also, around here, a sort of Buddhist influence that emphasizes the spiritual power of the individual, rather than the more externally based Judeo-Christian, Western interpretations of it.

Keep seeking - when it comes to spirituality and finding a spiritual path and way of life, doubt is a good friend to have. Question whether a concept is working for you. Practice kindness and tolerance, and try to understand that people will love and promote what works for them.

You are not destined to fail. You are not doomed to drink. You are a spiritual being having a human experience - that sounds hokey but it is true. Blessings on your house :pray: as you continue on your sober road.

Final edit - there are other ways to sobriety, but they all have this in common: The individual plugs into a source of strength they had denied themselves before. All paths to sobriety have this connection at their core. It has been well said that the opposite of addiction is connection.

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This there :point_up_2:

Find your way to sobriety. Find your source of strength. Find your way to connect.

I myself can’t connect well with AA and attend online Recovery Dharma meetings. That works well for me. I meditate, I do yoga. I find other sources of strength like a daily structure or mindfulness training. I also am on the lookout for other sources of strength, cause that is what keeps me resilent when life hits me hard, which it sometimes does and will in the future.

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I was in AA for 4 years. It saved other people’s lives and I was desperate. There were parts of AA that just are not for me. But I went anyway, and got sober. After 4 years, when I felt that my sobriety was strong enough to give a chance I looked around for another recovery program…found one and transitioned to it.

Just like anything in life, you dont have to agree 100% with everything. If going to an AA meeting is helping in any way…keep going. Doesnt mean you have to stop looking for other recovery programs. There are many out there…SMART, Recovery Dharma, ect.

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I just changed the phrase to “external power” (instead of “higher” power). Everything has an external power or powers. A wave is created by an external power moving water. A plant grows by absorbing energy from an external power. I exist because of a bunch of external powers, including my parents, and including the asteroid impact that wiped out the dinosaurs (which opened up space for mammals to thrive on the Earth).

Thus “surrendering” to my “higher power” (external power) is the same as being a plant, turning its leaves to the sun, to feed and to grow. The difference, as a human - the reason that “surrender” matters, as a human - is that I have choice. The plant does it by instinct; it can’t choose not to. I have to choose to turn my leaves to my external power, my source of growth and life.

Have you tried SMART Recovery? If you want a program that explicitly does not use any phrases that sound like they might be religious, that’s the one. They do talk about external powers: the program is based in cognitive behaviour therapy, which is about developing awareness of our thoughts and feelings in response to situations (the situation - our surroundings, physical and emotional - is the external power, and CBT is about cultivating healthy responses to that).

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I was going to recommend SMART Recovery as well. I attended many SMART meetings when getting sober as I’m agnostic and wanted a program rooted in psychology (our leader happened to have a background in philosophy too, which made the meetings super interesting). It also provides a level of flexibility and self-management that I found important. It’s worth trying if there’s a meeting near you!

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He Laura :wave: I had the same problem as you in AA I’m not religious or spiritual but what I done was use the power of people my higher power became all you need for a meet is 2 or more people also just take what you need from a meeting don’t listen to what some other people say I wouldn’t be on this forum if I listened to some people in AA , also remember that the steps are only suggested to do along with everything else in AA but my advice to you would be to give AA 3 months and if you don’t think it’s for you then you can have no regrets for not giving it a try that’s the advice I got 5 years ago and it worked for me but it’s not for everyone

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Thank you, this is really helpful. But can I ask, how do you make sense of Step 3 if your higher power is nature? How do you turn your life over to nature? What does that mean?

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I really want to do smart recovery, but it’s not available where I live. I could join online but I generally don’t get as much out of that and also don’t have a lot of privacy in my house.

But thank you so much for your response, it is actually very helpful.

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To everyone who’s responded, thank you so much!! Lots to think about. I was going to give up on AA but I think I’ll stick it out a little longer, and will also try smart recovery (although I’ll have to travel to get to a meeting).

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Hi Laura, thank you for the message. Im not necessarily saying my higher power is always nature, im saying in moments being reassured that there is a power greater than myself is all i need. Questioning the existance of a higher power is part of the process of letting go of self will. We are hard wired as humans to want to control, its not natural for us to hand something over or give control away…how could something or someone else have a solution to my life?
Then we are told to hand it over to a god of your understanding and some people struggle with that because they dont beleive it as they cant see it. Therefore how can it exist? So when i refer to nature its a way sometimes to remind me that there is something greater than me and it can help if i am willing to let go of control. I cant see the wind but i beleive it exists and thats enough.

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Frankly I just go to a very occasional meeting. It’s in my life but it’s not my life, you know? It’s been over four months like this and I’m cool with that.

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The Hidden Life of Trees by Peter Wohlleben explains how a grove or forest of trees communicate with each other, feed each other, protect each other. Nature bends toward cooperation and balance. Those are excellent principles to turn over one’s life to.

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