Really struggling the last two days

Emotional Support
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Hi everyone,

I had a shitty Christmas!!

The lesser of the two evils was Christmas Eve. I got to spend most of the day with my sweetheart, which is usually about as good as life gets. However, he’s NOT been having an easy breezy time lately, and I wasn’t exactly surprised when it came up that he’d recently relapsed into his cocaine addiction. He’s desperate to stop and should for a lot of reason but notably his blood pressure is out of control and he’s fainting frequently due to anxiety. Also cardiac stuff in his family. Unfortunately rehab is not an option for him for a few reasons, he is unable to have insurance coverage for therapy for psych visits, and his only friends right now still all use a ton.

I sympathize a lot, I still very much struggle with urges to use again (like in the last two days), and I am glad to help support him and I’m proud that he got the guts to stop using again and be honest with me upfront.

He truly is the most amazing person I have ever met, I just want him to be okay, though I accept that his addiction is in no way under my control, all I can do is be a source of love and light for him and it’s up to him from there.

As if that weren’t a strange and multi-emotional Christmas Eve, my family got stranded on the opposite side of the US because they decided I was just being paranoid when I said flying home from an international trip on Christmas Eve was maybe not a good idea. They are fine, they’re staying with family over there including my grandparents, of whom my grandfather is in the hospital very very ill and the prognosis is not good. I am too broke to get a flight out there, plus planes are a mess at the moment anyways.

Christmas Day: I am alone. My partner and I got to chat over phone for a bit which was nice, but he had custody of his son today and was doing family stuff so he had prior obligations, of which I do not begrudge him at all and I’m so glad he’s got them. A friend of mine’s family adopted me for the afternoon, which was incredibly kind of them and I’m very glad they’re in my life. Then my mom FaceTimed me in the middle of dinner there, so I excused myself, and she just wanted to show me the room full of people I love dearly who I cannot be with which just felt like a slap in the face, though I know the situation wasn’t intentional. I was also angry anyways, because I had just found out my mom’s cousin and her daughter, who I realized would probably also be at my great-aunt’s house when I went to say hello that night, have been pretty cruelly bullying my friend’s little sister while at church. At my great-aunt’s house, they were indeed superficial and bitchy, but only in veiled ways in front of my great-aunt, who I love and respect too much to pick a fight in front of.

I have just been either stressed and sad, hollow and apathetic, or angry and jaded, for days now. Everything in me wants to go drink myself into oblivion and buy a gram again. I am trying HARD to hang on, but I have no one in my life I can really talk to about it. I feel like I am suffocating in isolation, and no one who says they love me really gives a shit because they just keep asking more from me. I’m just a fucking blood bank and they keep bleeding me dry.

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You’re here friend. You’re not alone. If there’s one thing we need in recovery it’s our fellows, our peers, people who know the deal and understand what’s happening. I found that fellowship right here but many folks need more than that. Not sure where you’re at other than in the USA, but there’s plenty of meetings all around. AA, NA, SMART, Buddhist, and many more. Also loads of meetings available online ( intherooms.com is a goods one for that).

We need each other. Using makes us isolate. We retreat into using under the false pretense that it will help us feel less miserable. It’s all lies. Recovery is found together. I’m glad you’re here. Hugs.

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I started crying real ugly tears reading your comment. Thank you. You’re right, it’s in a community of shared experiences that people will get it. I’m fairly new in recovery, just under 8 months, and I’m nervous about, well, everything, but especially being open and vulnerable in a group setting. Online feels safer somehow? But I think I need to be brave and seek in-person community too. Thank you for the group suggestions, I will try to check some out.

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I started group psychotherapy after a year of sobriety. The psychologists who assessed and advised me wanted me in a group -I wanted individual therapy myself- exactly because I function(ed) so bad in a group. That’s also why this place felt safe for me when I first came here 3.5 years ago. It’s a learning curve and if I learned one thing it’s we can’t do it alone. Wishing you all success.

And BTW, 8 months is huge! Big congrats on that!

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Oh that sounds so messy and frustrating. I am sorry for that. As Mno said, you are not alone. We are here…with our messy families and holiday expectations as well. What a time! I hope you know drinking or using won’t solve a thing, only make you feel worse. You have been working so hard for 8 months…keep going and growing.

I like the idea of finding some in real life support. Mno offered some suggestions, you can find other communities to check out in this thread…

Sometimes we need more communities of like minded people to help sustain us. We are definitely stronger together.

Glad you reached out! :heart:

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