Where do I even begin without writing a novel? Lets just begin with I have had my fair share of struggles with alcohol since my early 20’s. When I first met my husband 9 years ago we quit drinking together for 2 1/2 years. I made that classic mistake of thinking I could drink here and there again, which eventually escalated to daily binge drinking. Wasn’t until this past year I really saw myself making some positive strides and much needed progress in my recovery. Started using more coping skills, going to counseling, replacing alcohol with exercise, just really making an honest effort to better myself.
Long story short, I was sober for over 4 months, had a relapse and then sober again for a month and a half after until this past week. Well when I drink I almost always can become pretty volatile and want to hash out old things…which in my sober state of mind I can say I am the complete opposite and empathetic and understanding. It really is like Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde type of situation. I also have this habit of making calls while intoxicated to family members and old family friends from the past. The amount of guilt and embarrassment I felt the first time I had called my mother I thought would be enough to stop it from happening again so soon. This time I ended up calling a long time family friend and proceeded to call her again and again after she told me not to call her while I am drinking that day. Well I sobered up and did try to reach out and apologize but at this point she doesnt want to speak with me. I dont want to push the issue, but I also just feel this need to make it “okay” to prove that drunken conversation just isnt me and hasnt been me this past year and overall. The longer time goes by without speaking, the more helpless I feel about the situation.
I don’t know what I am expecting to hear, but really any words of wisdom to help would mean a lot…
You can never control other people’s behaviour or feelings, and you cannot control their decisions. (And you don’t need to.) Your behaviour was unpredictable, unsteady, and frankly threatening, because you didn’t respect her or her space. She’s made a decision for her safety, which is to cut you off.
Now is the time to make a decision about what you want. You say alcohol is causing problems for you. Many people here have the same problems.
You need to focus on things you can control:
Your choices.
What do you want now? Do you want the problems caused by alcohol to go away?
You have personal work to do, and you don’t need to speak with her to do it. You feel bad - you feel ashamed - and you should feel that way. The way to change that, is to focus on changing yourself, one day at a time.
Thank you for your response Matt! I think you are so right in saying I can’t control how she feels are what she decided to do in response to me not respecting her space.
I do want to continue to put in the work and I do want to change. I just need to remember what to focus my energy and put my effort into now.
I think with regards to the drunken phone calls, it sounds like that person wants some space, and you should probably respect that.
I know you want to talk to her and apologise to make it better, but at the end of the day you have to ask yourself- do you want to apologise and resolve the situation so that she feels better? Or so that you don’t feel bad about it anymore?
I’ve been there, not the exact situation but similar , and I know what you’re feeling. I understand the urge to want to make it right, so that you can stop mulling over it in your head or analysing it over and over and so that you can show that person who you really are. But if someone doesn’t want to talk to you, sometimes that is the harsh lesson we need to learn. Also, it is a direct result of drinking, which is a huge reason to stay sober.
Wishing you all the best in your recovery, the best thing you can do to make it up to anyone you may have hurt or given out to while drunk is to get sober, it’s also the best gift to yourself. One day at a time it’s a struggle but we can do it
Don’t give up. Living healthy and being sober takes time and effort, but it really just boils down to that choice every day: I choose to be sober and present today. I choose not to run away from life today. Running away to the bottle never gets anybody anywhere - and choosing to be sober and safe, keeps you moving forward.
Thank you so much for your response @Jennypops! Your words really resonated with me. “-do you want to apologise and resolve the situation so that she feels better? Or so that you don’t feel bad about it anymore?”
Nailed it. I’d be silly to think that there wasn’t some gratification or less anxiety on my end if I could just get that call and fix it all. This helped me realize despite my selfish need to want to make it better on my time… time is needed for her.
Wishing you the best in your recovery as well! Thank you again friend.
Maybe send her a letter. Not a text, or email, or word document typed on your computer. A hand-written letter of apology where you apologize, take responsibility for your actions, and humbly ask for forgiveness. Don’t try to explain or justify your actions. Just own them.
Hi Kayli and welcome to Talking Sober. This is a great community for venting, listening, asking, learning.
My experience is that apologies from me for my drunken transgressions were hollow, and were a self serving attempt by me to justify or excuse my behavior. What made a difference, for me and for others, was when I acknowledged that I had hurt or harmed them, with specifics of how I had harmed them, and offered a plan to demonstrate that I was changed and would do what was needed by the other party to make them whole. I used the recovery program of AA to get myself ready to make the changes and ready to do what I could to heal the relationship. And I did not attempt this until I was ready and had been sober a while, about a year.
Matt’s right - we do things that do evoke shame and guilt in us. I fooled myself for a long time thinking that an apology would fix that for me. But no, apologies were just another expression of my denial of my alcoholism and my refusal to take personal responsibility for my actions. And they did not alleviate my shame and guilt. I still thought about these mistakes when I would drink and feel worse all over again.
Blessings on your house as you begin your sobriety.
Thank you for sharing your own personal experiences and advice with me @SinceIAwoke. It helps to know there is a community out there like this to share my journey with, both while I am doing well and when I am not doing so well.
Opening up cans of worms from the past while I’m drunk was my specialty.
Finding this place and participating here has helped me not be that person anymore. The guilt and shame has faded. Im actually proud of myself today. I’ve made a lot of changes in my life to avoid that first drink. That’s the one that gets me. Every time I justify having it. Mr Hyde is 99 percent more likely to show himself. Its not worth the risk. One is to many, because I don’t how how to have just one. I have tried many times.
The hardest things to do were admitting that I have a drinking problem, and I need help.
it’s a struggle but we can do it 
as you begin your sobriety.
