This last Saturday I was diagnosed with Boderline Personality Disorder. I am currently in counseling and it was suggested to talk to a psychiatrist. So here I am, a Quiet Boderline because most of my responses and reactions are self directed. One month 15 days sober. I was offered medication. I opted to do research. On one level im relieved it all makes sense when I read about it. On another level it triggers the very thoughts and emotions my disorder is known for! I cannot make up my mind on the meds. This is my journey. Ive always suffered I experienced child sexual abuse and emotional and mental abuse, I have been in survival mode as long as I can remember. Alcohol was my self medication of choice. Now that its removed all my inner battles are loud and demanding attention and validation its as if the child in me is saying now that your no longer numbing yourself we can start facing this, dealing with it and healing it while adopting helpful tools instead of using harmful protective habits that just self sabatoge any efforts. Its as if I am turned inside out and all my insides are exposed with no skin, and I just keep thinking I can do this without drinking I can do this without drugs but its going to be so hard and I cant do it alone, I have a tendancy to isolate myself even if I busy myself with others I lock my heart in and only connect at arms length. I searched BPD in this community and found several threads only they were not that recent. I never know how to go about chiming in i often write then delete and my irrational mind takes over and figures no ones interested and im being dramatic so I isolate myself from here too and I suffer in silence and so goes my cycle soon ill get real depressed and it will hurt so bad and ill just feel so exhausted. Thats when I reach the deep and I long for a deep sleep God just take me. I get through it, and I start to ascend I feel like I can do anything if I just dont give up! My mood will climp up up up and I will feel so strong so brave until im triggered and then I spiral sometimes so fast falling falling into the rabbit hole and therapy and meds are sopposed to be those things I can grab as i start to slip catching a big stick to pull me back up, and this is on repeat my whole life, ive never known any other exsistance since I can remember. I guess I just needed or wanted to try to share. Maybe there are others that can relate.
I love this! Thank you for opening this thread.
I don’t have BPD myself, but I am fortunate as a teacher and tutor to have worked with students having a range of mental identities and there is a rich and wonderful fabric that we can weave if we take time to listen, communicate, and understand.
Thanks for opening this. It’s a wonderful idea and a wonderful resource.
And for what it’s worth - there is nothing you could write that I wouldn’t want to read. I know you have an inner censor voice; it’s ok. You can censor or not, it’s your choice. But I promise you I am always interested in what you say, whatever condition it is in. We’re in this together 
Thank you, I appreciate your words. I think talking about mental health conditions is so helpful I feel the stigma is not nearly as bad as it used to be and the more we create safe space for those suffering to be heard and not judged more lives will be saved. BPD is often hard to diagnose because it has so many overlapping conditions like substance abuse, eating disorders depression anxiety and ADHD. BPD has a high rate of suicide because of misdiagnosis, and or the silencing that is done internally, not all BPDs threat suicide some you would have never even known they ever thought about it. That is the type i am and its very uncomfortable for me to admit that and share it.
I understand that. It is a scary thing to look into. Like walking a tightrope.
Thank you for sharing today. I am grateful for your courage.
Thanyou for your honesty.
Hi Miss T and big thanks for being so brave to open up and share here. You sure aren’t the only one diagnosed with BPD here (and I’m pretty sure there are some undiagnosed ones around as well). Indeed it has been some time we talked about it I think. But there are threads started by members who are active here now too.
Last year I finally got diagnosed with a personality disorder, a mix of BPD and Avoidant PD. I waited 50 years to get this diagnose and get some help. Only after quitting alcohol and drugs did I decide to try and get some treatment for my life’s problems, which on the face of it aren’t as spectacular like people imagine BPD is, just like you say. Anyway, I’m really glad I finally did. I’m in schema group therapy now, consisting of 60 weekly two hour sessions. I’m 20 sessions in now and starting to see a difference although it’s hard work. Still find it so so goddamned hard to free this inner child that I protected all my life with strategies that work short term, but are totally self destructive over the the decades. This therapy is hard and only possible when not self medicating through drink and drugs. And it is certainly worth it. happy to still be alive today too, as 20 years ago they said there was no treatment for BPD, maybe get some heavy medication to take the worst edges of and that was it.
I recognize so much in what you write Miss T. Even my best friends can’t believe my diagnosis. I function pretty good. Never had any true romantic relationship though. Well, I’m rambling a bit. Sorry. Anyway, thanks again for your share. I might have something more constructive to say when I’m a bit rested. It’s now close to midnight here and I just got home from work. very pleased to meet you.
I so very much appreciate you sharing this. I feel less alone. Im so aware that even as I feel right now, that in an hour or a day or a month I will feel a thousand different feelings about this. I too am a high functioning sufferer. Not many people actually have an idea the darkness I face regualary. I was recently explaining to a close friend, how they chase that adrenaline, through extreme sports or jumping out of a plane and said you know that nervous excited scared rush you get right before doing xyz? Well I feel that daily just in every day life like im about to jump off a cliff i get that rush so much its the last thing I want to do for fun! Thats my anxiety, I get triggered and it feels literally like falling. The self sabatoge is pretty brutal to face as well as the lost potential its a fight everyday. Im so happy you are on the journey as grueling as it must be it has to be better then the hell we have faced over and over again, its so painful I know. Thank you again, for sharing with me!
That’s actually the greatest gain for me so far. My anxiety has gotten less. It’s not gone but it’s not the all overwhelming, making it impossible to think, all encompassing black pit of nothing inside me, that it used to be for all these years. Still so much work to do. We recently had three weeks of no meetings and I could feel myself slipping back and I have felt my anxiety coming back again. It’s hard work but it’s a work of love and I’m so happy that I get to do it. Getting sober and clean was the first step and absolutely necessary to make it possible in the first place.
Yes I agree 100% if I had not first become sober I would not have seeked the help. It was after being sober and all my traits I remembered as a young person came back, it was so dramatic like pulling a rug under my feet I really had no choice because the other choice is i just want to die but I know I dont really want to die I just want the hurt to go away.
I’m sure we can live much happier lives friend. I’ve felt I’d be better of dead many times. But I know life is worth it to be lived if we work and fight for it. The hurt can go away. I’m 100% sure of it.
Have you ever used meds for this disorder? Im seriously considering trying the meds. Also it sounds like your in an intense therapy program one that my psychiatrist alluded to being what works, can you tell me more about it? Thank you!
Nope, no meds for PD for me MissT. I am currently on sertraline (Zoloft) for a recurring depression I’ve been fighting for years. 50mg/day which is the lowest therapeutic dose, My family doctor actually wanted me to go to a higher dose, but I am doing pretty well as it is and I fear becoming a flatliner emotionally. And gain more weight than I already did. Not sure in which country you are, but in the USA the medical profession is much more inclined to prescribe meds as they are over here in Europe, or more specific in The Netherlands where I’m from.
Common anti-anxiety meds like valium, xanax, etcetera are bloody addictive and habit-forming and I want to stay away from those as far as I can, knowing my inclination to get addicted to stuff. Anti-psychotics and mood stabilizers are pretty heavy artillery with quite serious side effects. Well, it’s never been suggested I’d take any of those. Here’s a useful overview of the meds used to treat BPD: https://www.verywellmind.com/borderline-personality-disorder-medications-425450
Schema therapy is readily available in the USA and in the Netherlands, but in other countries not so much. Here’s an introduction to it: https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/types/schema-therapy
And here’s an interview with the guy who is the inventor of schema therapy: https://www.schematherapysociety.org/Interview-with-Jeffrey-Young-by-Eckhard-Roediger
I’m in group schema therapy (individual therpay is possible as well) after being strongly recommended to do so. Didn’t want to do the group therapy thing but I must admit it works very well for me. Social skills learning being a pretty big part of it.
Anyway, my advice is to do your own thorough research. I’m a mental health nurse so for me research is maybe easier than for you. But I think it’s very important you make up your own mind about this (as on all other stuff 
), based on thorough and good research. Not just on facebook and reddit. Or just based on what the doctors tells you. There are other treatments possible too. Success in your search friend. Hugs.
Thank you, this is so helpful to me. Im unsure about medications because I dont know how I will react. I dont like how meds make me feel and because of that its not my addiction of choice so im not as concerned about that. Honestly alcohol is the only addictive substance I have aside from cigarette’s off and on in my past but I quit smoking 4 years ago. Every time I took pain meds/narcotics for surgery I hated it I always asked if they could give me something that wasnt as strong. Im very sensitive I feel the chemical changes intensly sometimes im not sure if I actually do or if its in my head. I had a dentist that gave me nitrous for a gum graft and they barely turned it on and i said stop! They were like are you sure and I said yes thats enough. I was prescribed a mood stabilizer. I feel i will probably not like how any meds make me feel. On the other hand I am super aware of my depression tendancies and because I am so high functioning and Expert at masking my symptoms, I do admit my thoughts can get pretty dark and although I never truly want to die its a hellish fight sometimes to live. I have been doing some research and your links will be so helpful. Although I have lived most of my life feeling something was wrong w me I am just at the beginning stage of learning about this disorder. Thank you I again!!
Hey Mno,
I know your in the medical profession, I’m gonna ask my therapist for a link to it, but they did a double blind study regarding medications and therapy.
One group had medication only
Another had meds and therapy
Another a placebo and therapy
And another just therapy
It showed that the medication while benefiting taking the initial edge off and helpful, but therapy groups showed more progress than anything.
Naturally I’m not a Dr. so not medical advice, but I found it interesting because I was a huge skeptic of therapy. But after doing it off and on for the last few years I been finding it beneficial
Zoloft works wonders for some, I was a complete zombie and experiencing all the side effects at the lowest therapeutic dose. Apparently my body does not like SSRIs 5 mg of Lexapro made me sick.
To the OP, BPD is very manageable I have a friend in recovery who has it, he takes meds and therapy and you can see how much he has grown. It takes a lot of courage to post what you have, and I wish you all the best in recovery and mental health
It depends on a lot of things Chris. The diagnosis, the severity of the psychiatric illness, the type of therapy, the type of therapist (a psychiatrist is more inclined to suggest meds than a psychologist), the individual (just like the Zoloft example. It helps me with minimal side effects). On average I think the studies say a combination of medication and therapy works best. But no doctor suggested I’d take medication just for my personality disorder. And I won’t if they do.
Since my diagnosis I have purchased a DBT therapy work book suggested by my counselor. I am so greatful for this therapy, it not only helps me with regulating my emotions, it helps with my sobriety!