So, i relapsed a couple days ago with weed. I went to a local tavern that i really like(d), and felt pretty proud of myself for ordering only non-alcoholic drinks. But then after i was finished with my dinner, all i wanted was to get high, as had been my habit whenever i would go to this tavern. So i did, filling my head with rationalizations. One thing that i disappointed myself with was the “rationalization” that i was early in my recovery, so it would be more “acceptable” to relapse when i didn’t have a long streak of being Clean.
I didn’t even finish what i was smoking, and i felt more nauseous than anything. I felt guilty and disappointed in myself, and didn’t even want to open this app due to the guilt and self-loathing. But ultimately i flushed the rest of the drugs, reluctantly hit the reset on my counter, and had to reconcile the fact that my “promise” to stop using was ultimately broken, and my word did not mean anything. That stung, because i don’t want to be the guy whose promises mean nothing. So here i am again, 24 hours clean from drugs, and i need to try again.
Most importantly I’m trying not to let my own self disappointment and guilt eat me alive. I don’t want to think I’m a bad person, and yet i just feel…i don’t know, pathetic maybe? I’m rambling, but ultimately i don’t think that i can go to that tavern anymore. At the very least, not for a long while.
I’m not going to get high today. I have to hold onto that.
