Hello everyone, I have been addicted to porn, masturbation and lust for about 20 years and am in my mid 30s. For much of this time I have been attempting to stop using various methods, including:
- 12 step groups - SAA/SA
- Religious approaches - fasting, personal prayer, scripture memorisation, prayer groups
- Accountability software on devices
- Counselling/therapy - for mental health & for the addiction specifically
- Online courses
- Reading books about overcoming lust/porn
- Willpower
- Low technology approach - using a “dumbphone”, locking my laptop away in a box
- …And probably other things which I don’t now remember
I wouldn’t say that none of these worked for me, some worked better than others. At times whilst I was in the 12 step fellowships I had periods of sobriety from porn & masturbation up to 7 or 8 months several times. Likewise after leaving those groups, I had another stretch lasting about 6 months or more after a wake up call in my marriage and stern guidance from a member of the clergy. However, I find myself - sooner or later - returning to the mire.
At this stage a large part of me has given up hope of finding permanent sobriety. I feel like I have tried so many different things, with varying degrees of success, that there don’t seem many options left. Nevertheless, to accept that there is no hope for me would be reaching “the jumping off place” that the Big Book mentions and I can’t accept that there isn’t some way forward.
My wife is on the verge of leaving me (again). I don’t blame her. She was aware of this addiction from early on in our dating relationship, but the scale of it only hit home later, after we got married. She has been very supportive over the years, including at one time attending some partner groups herself, but this ultimately isn’t her problem. Fear of losing her is a big motivation for me. This behaviour is extremely traumatic for spouses, I can’t really begin to understand just how damaging it is, but when I read posts from partners of sex/porn addicts I feel terrible knowing that I have done those same things to her. Her heart has been broken so many times by my acting out that it is numbed to the pain by now. I think she just shuts that part off and almost accepts that there is a level of intimacy we can never share anymore, because I have violated her trust so many times.
This addiction seems to run in endless cycles, and after each acting out period there is a promise of “never again!” and “this time is different”, yet days, weeks or months later, it has happened again.
For now, the areas I recognise I need to do something about are:
- Understanding my shame
- Understanding the childhood dynamics in my family and how I internalised some destructive approaches to life when I was a child
- Internalising recovery - moving beyond rules, methods etc. to real heart change
- Understanding what role this behaviour plays in my life - it isn’t just about getting “a quick fix”. I am addicted to the rollercoaster of emotions, both the euphoria and the crushing depression & guilt.
- Understanding the interrelationship between my sexual behaviour and my faith - how each feeds off the other
- Understanding the relationship between being angry and lust
- Understanding the role of fear and self-sabotage - why do I act out ahead of big events/decisions?
- Humanising women rather than objectifying them - listening to my wife, listening to the stories of partners of addicts, recognising that the women I look at are real human beings (someone’s daughter/sister/partner)
Thanks for reading this and I hope to post again soon
