Onto day 2. I was parked in the hospital parking lot yesterday. After a ten day binge I wasn’t sure I truly needed to detox at the hospital and lose my job completely and start completely over. Or see if I could do this.
I had someone from reddit recommend I detox at the hospital but walked me through what I can do these next days. My hallucinations were pretty bad last night and I didn’t actually sleep. I closed my eyes and let my brain fie through rapid REM. I’m feeling way better than yesterday.
I just want to say I think I should of gone to the hospital. When the gentleman on reddit explained each symptom to me over the phone and how he went through it and everything. It made me realize that I was closer to death that I thought. I spoke to my mother after him and I made her cry. I tricked her into giving me hundred dollars for food and instead I used that to buy beer every night. She realized she enabled me, that I lied to her and I explained the symptoms. She knew that if everyone is saying to go to the hospital that my life was in danger far more than she even realized.
I don’t want to be like this. I’ve had bingers but nothing this long and this bad.
I want to be sober. And I really will consider whatever options I need. Losing my job is nothing compared to losing my life. I dont want to hurt my mom, or myself or any of those close to me. When I’m that drunk I have those fuck it feelings. Where nothing matters so fuck it. And when I don’t get my way, I just think what’s the point of living and then threaten to kill myself. Which is not healthy at all.
Being sober now I can say for a fact I want to be here. But in those moments if I had a gun I probably would of done it. That’s not who I want to be.
I’m just rambling at this point. I want to healthy, happy and sober.