I’ve struggled with selfhaem for around 3 or 4 years, farthest I’ve ever gotten was 4 months without and what confuses me is that when I relapse I feel the weird urge to get worse to prove how bad I am (to no one by the way? I haven’t told anyone) and my general reasons to relapse, usually something has upset me but the last time I just wanted to??? like what? its been over a month now which is good but dear lord
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Welcome to the community 
one day at a time.
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I understand that feeling, you’re definitely not alone! After I’d relapse I would act out and keep digging the hole I had created for myself, I think more to prove to myself that I was a fuck up like a weird self deprecating loop (relapse & act out, dislike how I acted, then use that as an excuse to act out and relapse again, rinse, repeat).
Congrats on a month of no self harm, that’s really impressive! In my experience the initial month of refraining from my addiction is the hardest!
Glad you’re here, reach out if you need additional support! 
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