Recovery is harder than I thought

Life in Recovery
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Sobriety date: some day last week. Yesterday. I don’t know.
I started recovery last year around the end of summer and I haven’t made it past three weeks. Once.
I want to confess some things. Hopefully gain some clarity, or catharsis, out of doing it.

Ahem.
I like to hide. I’m a very private person. I tend to be analytical, a know it all. I’m either in paranoid suspicion of everyone around me or opening up way past both of our comfort zones. I’m obsessed with how people perceive me. When it comes to me, I need to be the one in control of the conversation. You can have input, but I’m the one who decides if it’s worth considering seriously. I don’t care how sober you are, do you make sense? Are you cooler than me? It has to make sense, it has to feel genuine, and if I disagree I probably won’t say anything.

You can imagine what a treat I am to sponsor.

I hate the SA program. Not because it doesn’t work, but because it puts me in a position to be judged. Has anyone judged me wrongly? No. Not really. I was sure it would happen at least once, but it’s all been spot on. As someone who spends a lot of time judging myself, it’s hard to accept someone could do a better job than me. Ridiculous.

another thing. I’ve never paid for sex, never physically cheated. Never lost a job over porn or missed an important deadline. Didn’t even mess around with my high school girlfriends, and I had opportunities. Curse my fundamentalist Christian upbringing. My average slip is 10 to 15 minutes long. And I have to sit there and listen to someone who was ten times worse than me tell me to make amends to my imaginary friend I supposedly hurt because I can’t stop jerking off a couple times a week. Interesting.

not that I even listen. most of these complaints are imaginary. 99% of these scenarios play out in my head right before I rationalize skipping a meeting. my addiction is killing my marriage. my business is a quarter of what it could be, maybe less. I’ve been emotionally stunted since adolescence and I’m only starting to see the damage.

My sponsor is frustratingly nice. I want him to tell me what to do, and not be so nice about it. I want him to critique my work instead of just accepting it and moving on. I want him to check in when I haven’t reached out in a week. But he wants me to want it. I get it. He’s so perfect.
my last sponsor was perfect too. only worked with him a month before he relapsed. I think he was great anyway.

one more thing. My wife caught me the other day. Lingerie ads. I’m not sure if I would rather it had been a prostitute instead. There’s a specific kind of humiliation reserved for the mundane version of this. I’m so embarrassed.

26 years old. At least two days sober. Trusting God with the next 24 hours.

lord, help

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Thank you for sharing! And welcome!

I don’t have any advice, I just want to let you know you are not alone in this. We all know how challenging recovery is. It confronts us with our individual abysses. But also with our individual resources.

I hope you find this amazing, (most time) non-judgemental community helpful for your recovery. I‘m looking forward to see you posting!

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Wow.

I’m so glad you’re here.

I can feel your controlled despair.

In fact, the only thing I can feel is control.

You’ve controlled the narrative completely and closed off any room for conversation or help.

This has no doubt been conditioned into you and nothing short of a defensive strategy.

Once you allow yourself the uncomfortable feeling of being vulnerable and open, we are here for you with open arms…unconditionally.

Until then, I will keep you in prayer.

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Hi @Zachk !

Welcome. I hear a lot of myself in your share. Thanks for spilling it out. I too thought very highly of my own thoughts. When it comes to critical thinking, I am super confident in my abilities.

However developing emotional intelligence isn’t done with my analytical mind. Neither is getting sober. If I try to use my brain to solve my thinking I’ve already lost. It’s about taking action regardless of what my inner monologue is telling me. I’m doing my this for my own benefit. Now that I’ve seen the benefits, I’m more likely to stick with it.

Glad you’re here. Do it for you and not to save a marriage or to be better than anyone else. Do it because you see the value if giving yourself a joyful life.

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This almost sounds just like my story. I am an incredibly private person, especially when it comes to porn and masturbation. I have crippling social anxiety that causes me to perceive everyone around me as plotting against me. I have a tendancy to overshare or completely shut down and disassociate.

My experience has taught me that the paranoia and socoal anxiety are both caused by my addiction. The necessity to hide it creates an isolation from everyone around me.

The way that you talk about your sponsor’s being “perfect,” strikes to my inner self-hatred and destructive self talk. I am one of the first to admit that I have said all of the worst shit about myself, so criticisms from others is “cute.”

All of this is the vicious cycle that won’t let you escape until you start doing the work on everything. It took me 3 years of therapy to tackle enough of the self-loathing to have the strength to quit porn and masturbation. I don’t talk to anyone in my family and I hardly have any friends. I have a mountain of baggage, but I am finding success by pulling out the roots of the pain and trauma. It’s not easy and it can be extremely slow, but it is worth it.

The first step is being able to internalize the reality that your pain and trauma are NOT your identity. Accepting that as a child you were neglected or wronged in some way, and then working to heal that inner child. I find myself wanting to give up on everything because it is so hard, but I don’t give up because I have seen my potential. The potential of being a good husband and a great man are what keep me fighting.

Being vulnerable is the hardest part but it is ultimately the most important step. We are all here because we have had to ask for help and support by being vulnerable enough to ask for it.

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Yeah, i get this. Recovery can feel a lot harder than what you expect, especially when you keep slipping and then your mind just starts criticizing you and making you feel worse about it. But it does not mean that you are failing. It just feelscalm, like you are stuck in stress, shame, and overthinking all time and that makes you feel more depressed. Just make yourself calm, stay positive, and divert your mind, don’t try to just be perfect. Just take small steps. Try delaying urges a bit when they come, and keep showing up even if things aren’t perfect. That’s what actually builds progress over time.