From the beginning, communication in AA has been no ordinary transmission of helpful ideas and attitudes. It has been unusual and sometimes unique. Because of our suffering, and because our common means of deliverance are effective for ourselves only when constantly carried to others, our channels of contact have always been charged with the language of the heart.
The Language of the Heart, p. 243
There is an instant bond and trust built in our fellowship through a common history of pain and suffering. We can hear and apply concepts that we used to reject outright out of obstinacy. I found myself openly taking direction where I used to instantly arch up. What is it that allows us to finally listen to what we need to hear? Quite simply, it is âthe language of the heartâ that flows through us as we speak in our shares and pitches. The language of the heart is that deep seated honesty that we share to help ourselves and others. We all experience the same difficulties in life in varying degrees, and our openness to expose our frailties touches our hearts and minds in a way we never felt outside the program. As I gained more time, I also came to believe that âthe language of the heartâ from others at meetings was God speaking through them. I think all of us can acknowledge that we heard something profound at a meeting that changed our life. Iâm not sure that God has ever spoken through me, but sometimes I feel like it comes through my writing. There are many times I read back something I wrote, and I canât help but think that inspiration came from something outside of me. So, language of the heart can take many forms of inspiration or intuitive thought that seems to surface when the message is needed. I truly love the program, and I genuinely love the programâs âlanguage of the heart.â
He is the Father, and we are His children. Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom.
ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 62
Growing up Catholic, I would ritualistically go to mass and recite prayers from memory. For the most part, there was a positive spirit in church services and a palpable energy when the whole church sang or said prayers together. However, for me, the meaning of the words got lost in memorization and repetition. I would say the âLordâs Prayerâ with others, but I always felt uncomfortable holding the hands of complete strangers during this exercise that should have been one of personal reflection. Coming into the program, it was a relief that you would recite a prayer I knew at the end of most meetings, because I was clueless about most of what you were saying in âprogram language and double-speak.â But even then, the words had no particular moving effect on me. It occurred to me that the first words of the Lordâs Prayer were, âOur FatherâŚâ That was an epiphany for me I was his âchild,â he was my âfather,â and as my father, he loves me unconditionally. So now, when we say the Lordâs Prayer at meetings, I remind myself that the God of my understanding is all loving and forgiving. We are all children of God! If not for the openness the program gave me, I would not have had this life changing epiphany.
"Remember the difference between a boss and a leader; a boss says âGo!â - a leader says âLetâs go!â"
E.M. Kelly
One of the most lasting and effective philosophies of our program is that âweâ do this together. In our twelve steps, there is no âIâ, but more importantly, âweâ is emphasized in six of the twelve steps. As I was hitting my last bottom, it was crystal clear that my way didnât work. I was miserable and saw no way out of the living living hell that I had created. The message that this was a âwe programâ came loud and clear from the very first meeting. Iâve always enjoyed the Chuck C. statement that, âYou can do this thing one of two ways; The hard way or the easy way. The hard way is to do it on your own, the easy way is to know you canât." This philosophy was crucial to my sobriety, but it was also key to relationships with others and any success I had in my career. I was blessed to have risen to the pinnacle of my profession, but I only got there by being completely supportive to others in the organization. Like the program, I tried to create an atmosphere where failure was not fatal, and in so doing, innovation and creativity blossomed. You taught me to admit my faults when things went wrong, and to heap praise on others when things went right. When I retired, I was often asked, âWhat was your greatest achievement?â I would rattle off what they wanted to hear, usually something they had contributed, but in my mind, the answer was simply, âGetting sober and practicing these principles in all my affairs.â
"Change is the characteristic of all growth. From drinking to sobriety, from dishonesty to honesty, from conflict to serenity, from hate to love, from childish independence to adult responsibilityâall this and infinitely more represent change for the better.â
As Bill Sees It, Only God Is Unchanging, p. 76
Before the program, I was locked up in the prison of my own mind and set ways. My insecurities and stubbornness kept me from hearing any message of change, growth or hope. Coming into the program and shedding the baggage I had carried through life opened me up to another world. The sound bites of the program would echo in my head, such as: âIf I donât change, my sobriety date will,â âIf nothing changes, nothing changes,â âLearn to change; change to learn,â and my favorite, âOnly one thing changes â everything.â No one likes change. Change is uncomfortable, challenging and frustrating, but not changing is worse. None of us came into the program pure and clean, so it was clear to me that change was indispensable to my sobriety and new way of life. Becoming a new person took time, patience and overcoming so many of my fears. Incremental change occurred as time passed, but only as long as I stayed true to the program and myself. âThe foolish and the dead never change.â To this day, I try to stay as open to change and remaining teachable as much as possible; my life and happiness depend on it.
If at these points our emotional disturbances happens to be great, we will more surely keep our balance provided we remember, and repeat to ourselves, a particular prayer or phrase that has appealed to us in our reading or meditation. Just saying it over and over will often enable us to clear a channel choked up with anger, fear, frustration, or misunderstanding, and permit us to return to the surest help of all-- our search for Godâs will, not our own, in the moment of stress.
12 & 12, pp. 102-103
When I first go sober, I did not believe that God had anything to do with my daily life, other than to punish me for my sins. However, I did have the willingness to be open to whatever was going on that kept those in the program sober. My sponsor told me to pray every day for 90-days, and if my life didnât get better, he would gladly refund my misery. Well, you know the outcome; my life got infinitely better, and I began to believe in a Higher Power that could help me live my life. My first âgo toâ prayer was the Serenity Prayer, which I would say to myself constantly. It was one of my early continual mantras that I said to battle the constant obsession to drink that haunted me. Taking the 3rd Step, and learning the 3rd Step prayer, was nothing short of enlightening. I soon added the 7th Step prayer to my daily routine. Prayer is a personal journey, and we all have to develop a routine thatâs comfortable for us. For me, prayer has become an open dialogue with God throughout the day that always starts with a morning surrender. I have learned over time the power of prayer in finding peace and serenity. I make a habit of slowing them down to let each thought within the prayer marinate in my consciousness. To this day, I still get chills when I take the 3rd Step prayer with others, and this is a true gift of the program.
All the faults of our mind â our selfishness, ignorance, anger, attachment, guilt, and other disturbing thoughts â are temporary, not permanent and everlasting. And since the cause of our suffering â our disturbing thoughts and obscurations â is temporary, our suffering is also temporary.
Lama Zopa Rinpoche, Ultimate Healing
Everything has a beginning, middle and end. If we are in pain, we are in the middle, working toward the end. âThis too shall pass,â is a well known phrase in our program that has brought so much comfort to so many of us. Everything comes to pass; nothing comes to stay. When we learn to accept life on lifeâs terms, we learn to embrace difficulties as opportunities to grow. Life always gives you a second chance; itâs called tomorrow. I learned in a management course that the Chinese symbol for crisis and opportunity are very similar, almost indistinguishable. In my life, this has played out in so many circumstances. What I thought was completely daunting or unbearable, usually turned out to be some opportunity or spiritual experience. Itâs hard to tell a new person in the program that life challenges are a reality we need to accept. They need to experience these sober life occurrences for themselves in order to build that essential faith we need for sustained contentment. No matter what happens in life, I now believe I have enough faith to walk through anything. Of course, there may be times that Iâll need my program family to carry me down the path a bit, but I know support is, and always will be, there waiting for me.
"Until you have learned to be tolerant with those who do not always agree with you; until you have cultivated the habit of saying some kind word of those whom you do not admire; until you have formed the habit of looking for the good instead of the bad there is in others, you will be neither successful nor happy." Napoleon Hill
Our program teaches us that holding onto resentments for an alcoholic can be âgraveâ or âfatal.â It tells us that it will lead us to drinking, and to drink is to âdieâ (page 66). In spite of this, we stubbornly hold onto resentments of others at the sake of our happiness or life itself. We do this for a myriad of reasons, which we justify and rationalize in our own minds. As we take the steps and gain more confidence in ourselves, the art of releasing resentments, such as seeing our part in it, comes more easily. We see that when we clear our resentments and try to see the good in others, we end up finding the best about ourselves. As we evolve, we see time and again that happiness and contentment are an inside job. I know I can only find true inner peace if Iâm at peace with others. If I am to be totally honest with myself, the unhappiest and most discontented periods in my sobriety were when I let resentments dominate me. I was miserable, and sadly, I let this negatively impact those around me too. In hindsight, I can laugh at myself and see that I had a serious part in those resentments, and usually, I let my character defects run wild. I am so glad you taught me to never put the keys to my happiness in someone elseâs pocket. âEvery minute I spend angry I waste 60 seconds of happiness.â Today, I know the choice is mine to either wallow in self-pity and resentment, or to live a free and loving life.
A little something I read the other day thatâs resolute with me.
I do not long for simpler days, I pray for the wisdom and the strength of character needed to endure and press on through the trying times ahead. I will not fuel the tainted memories of my misfortune with wasted energy contemplating the âwhat ifâsâ. Instead I will take from these failures the foresight and fiery fortitude necessary to ignite the passion and drive in all my future endeavors. Gone but not forgotten are the pains of our past. Foaming waves of regret pouring forth from a sea of disappointment. Sullen and salty, swells of sadness that curled and collapsed relentlessly upon the shores of our short yet beautiful existence. Yet to be appreciated are the brilliant and bright dawns of each new day. Unknown joys and unexpected happiness that eagerly await for us to embrace them with a renewed sense of love and faith. Author Unknown
God, help me be so clear on who I am that I can generously afford to let other people be who they are, too. Help me to set aside my defensive behavior, and teach me to blend with other people and see their point of view while not relinquishing my own.
Melody Beattie
Before the program, I was skeptical of the world and everyoneâs motive. I didnât trust anyone and felt that everyone was only driven by self interest. Needless to say, I had a very shallow outlook on life and perspective of mankind. It is now very clear to me that my selfish self-centeredness trapped me in a hell of my own making. In early sobriety, one of the words that jumped out at me in the Doctorâs Opinion was âaltruistic.â The fact that AA was a fellowship in which giving and expecting absolutely nothing in return was a driving force seemed so alien to me. Up until that point, life was about keeping score. I will do this for you in return for that, was my prevailing mindset. Keeping score in life is like watching the scoreboard while playing tennis. You know the score, but you are totally missing the game. Once we truly commit to giving ourselves to others, a brand new world of ideas and opinions opens up for us. We learn to appreciate different outlooks and perspectives. If we stay loving and tolerant, we break down the walls that hold us back from enlightenment and spiritual growth. In sobriety, I have grown to believe that one of the primary reasons for life is for us to learn and grow both emotionally and spiritually. Only by going through the hell of addiction have I come to a place where I now see that every moment in life can be a gift of discovery.
We need all this to learn, negative emotions should be equally accepted as the norm,
Without fear we would have nothing to guide us forward, without pain we would not know healing and without self hate we would never appreciate self love.
A.A. experience has taught us we cannot live alone with our pressing problems and the character defects which cause or aggravate them. If Step Four has revealed in stark relief those experiences weâd rather not remember, then the need to quit living by ourselves with those tormenting ghosts of yesterday gets more urgent than ever. We have to talk to somebody about them.
As Bill Sees It, We Cannot Live Alone, p. 83
Growing up Catholic, I was indoctrinated to think that by going to confession, I could gain a reprieve from my misgivings. I would say the âOur Fatherâsâ and âHail Maryâsâ the priest would assign me to say, but I never felt any relief from the guilt I carried. Having lived a terrible childhood and early alcoholism, my life was one of torment, guilt and shame. The baggage I was carrying was literally crushing me. I hated whom I was and where I came from, and I compounded my guilt by creating different personas or backgrounds. Life became unbearable, so itâs no wonder I drank the way I did. Then, I found AA and the 12 steps. As much as it was uncomfortable writing down my inventory and sharing it with another person, this simple exercise changed me forever. After my 5th step, I felt physically lighter. As I was walking back to my car, I felt like I was walking on air, which I now know was a deep spiritual experience. I now share freely at meetings those things I was so hesitant to tell my sponsor. As we let this process work in and through us, the ghosts of our pasts lose their power over us. We are so blessed to have a design for living that frees us from guilt, shame and the wreckage of what we used to be.
"I am more and more convinced that our happiness or unhappiness depends more on the way we meet the events of life than on the nature of those events themselves."
Alexander Humboldt
Before the program, life was one struggle after another. Having no meaningful life skills (processing life on lifeâs terms), I was sentenced to a life of sadness, disappointment, and unhappiness. As I look back, I was an immature and selfish little brat that banged the high chair when things didnât go my way. They say we stop growing emotionally when we start drinking. I didnât have the best childhood, but I certainly had the longest. The first 25 years of my childhood nearly killed me! Sobriety is the realization that we come into the program with the maturity of a 10-year old. Getting sober and processing all the garbage I had been carrying, allowed me to grow up into a better person and âgentleman.â The program (steps) and having faith gave me a completely different perspective on life. I used to see life through the dirty filters of fear, resentment and selfishness. Now, I see life as a gift of hope and opportunity. Itâs quite remarkable to see how a positive attitude can change your existence. If you want to like the next meeting you go to, try telling yourself âbeforeâ the meeting that this is going to be a great meeting. A positive attitude changes everything.
Almost without exception, alcoholics are tortured by loneliness. Even before our drinking got bad and people began to cut us off, nearly all of us suffered the feeling that we didnât quite belong. Either we were shy, and dared not draw near others, or we were noisy good fellows constantly craving attention and companionship, but rarely getting it. There was always that mysterious barrier we could neither surmount nor understand. Thatâs one reason we loved alcohol too well. But even Bacchus (the Greek god of wine) betrayed us, we were finally struck down and left in terrified isolation.
As Bill Sees It, To Watch Loneliness Vanish, p. 90
I love the saying that, âIsolation is the dark room, where I develop my negatives.â As I reflect back on my life, especially before the program, I can see how my self doubts trapped me in isolation and sadness. I heard very early on in the program that we have a disease that takes over, because âwe arenât comfortable in our own skin.â That simple statement described me perfectly. I didnât know what I wanted to be, but I certainly didnât want to be me. I walked around life comparing my insides to other peopleâs outsides, which was basically comparing my debilitating insecurities to a beautifully painted landscape. All of us in the fellowship can relate to walking around life three drinks shy of comfortable. When we trust the program process, the miracle of accepting yourself comes as one of the greatest gifts you will ever receive. If I stay in the middle of the program, I know in my heart of hearts that I will alright and never be alone again.
When fear persisted, we knew it for what it was, and we became able to handle it. We began to see each adversity as a God-given opportunity to develop the kind of courage which is born of humility, rather than of bravado.
As Bill Sees It, Courage and Prudence, p. 91
If someone would have asked me what I was afraid of before I came into the program, I would have said, âNothing!â I had been hardened by my environment and had no value for my own life. In fact, checking out was a much better option than to continue to live the nightmare of active addiction. Then, in the 4th step, I was encouraged to honestly face the fears in my life that were controlling my actions. I also came to the realization that all fears are just âfuture tripping;â they havenât happened yet and are not real. Honestly acknowledging my fears was half the battle. The other half was accepting them and pursuing a deeper faith in God. They say a fear faced is a fear erased. Iâm not sure that is always true, but there is some merit in that statement. Once we realize our fears can control our decisions and actions, we can take steps to mitigate those fears, which usually means to âwalk through them.â Itâs disheartening to think of all the vanished opportunities in life that were lost to our fears. In sobriety, I try to make my dreams bigger than my fears. I trust that my loving God would not have put that dream in my heart, if he hadnât also given me everything to live it. I am so glad that I can now embrace my fears as opportunities to live a full and purposeful life.
Have a beautiful day in sobriety my friends and remember to be kind to yourself and to one another.
"This very real feeling of inferiority is magnified by his childish sensitivity and it is this state of affairs which generates in him that insatiable, abnormal craving for self-approval and success in the eyes of the world. Still a child, he cries for the moon. And the moon, it seems, wonât have him."
LANGUAGE OF THE HEART, p. 102
As we go through life, we are indoctrinated by society norms that tell us that success is determined by your job or how much money you make. These twisted values are an exercise in futility, but we still pursue them with vigor. Thankfully, our program retrains us to put a higher premium on those things in life that matter the most, such as giving, kindness, and lasting serenity. Iâm not sure there is a measure of success in our program, but long years of sobriety is certainly the goal of many. Lasting contentment seems to me to be the best barometer of a successful life. Brian Tracy once said, âSuccessful people are always looking for opportunities to help others. Unsuccessful people are always asking, âWhatâs in it for me?â The program has taught us that the road to our happiness is paved by helping others. The gifts we receive by giving ourselves to others are true, meaningful, and lasting. The successes as determined by society are always fleeting and temporary, and this philosophy inevitably leads to a life of frustration and disappointment. On the flip side, the successes we learn in the program are sustainable, but only as long as we are spiritually fit and committed to helping others. I have accomplished many things in life, but by far my greatest success is getting sober, and through our loving fellowship, finding lasting contentment, peace and serenity.
Have a beautiful day in sobriety my friends and remember to be kind to yourselves and to each other.
"In forgiving ourselves, we make the journey from guilt for what we have done (or not done) to celebration of what we have become."
Joan Borysenko
If not for the program, I would not be the person I am today. Today I accept who I am, but that only came after years of processing the horrors of my upbringing and damage I created from my addictions. As we clear the wreckage of our past, we slowly begin to become a completely different person. Our book describes this psychic or personality change as a spiritual experience, and I have come to firmly believe this is one of the most powerful discoveries we can make. So, where does this acceptance of ourselves descend from? It starts with a growing faith in God, but this would not nearly be enough without the 4th and 9th steps that help clear away our haunting memories. In the 4th and 5th steps, we admit our part in life situations (resentments), face our fears and faults, and come clean with God, ourselves and another person we trust. Then, we get to make amends in the 9th step, and we continue to make living amends to virtually every person in our lives. Once we honestly take these steps, the only thing left for us is to forgive ourselves. In my experience, when uncomfortable memories pop up, I have had to forgive myself yet again, and remind myself that Iâm no longer that person I used to be. Once I find peace in forgiveness, I can truly accept myself and recognize the more kind, forgiving and tolerant person that I am today.
have a beautiful day in sobriety my friends and remember to be kind to yourselves and to each other.
"Sometimes taking somebody elseâs inventory can be most beneficial. When I was doing my Fourth Step, an old-timer suggested I list the names of those against whom I held resentments, followed by two or three sentences describing what they had done to earn my displeasure. Then, after putting the list aside for a day, I was to cross off each personâs name and replace it with my own."
Renton, Washington, October 1987, âMirror, Mirror, On the Wallâ, Step By Step
As it did for me, I bet a light bulb went off in your head when you read that quote. It is an epiphany when we begin to realize that what annoys us in others, is usually a reflection of our own character defects. Itâs ironic how much our own character shortcomings impact everything in our lives, especially our relationships with others. When we see the good in others, we see the good in ourselves. When we see the negative in others, we usually end up with a reciprocal negative mindset. Life itself is like a mirror. Whatever mood we are in is reflected in our perspective of our surroundings and the situations we face. For this very reason, a positive attitude is essential to a positive life. We canât possibly have a positive life with a negative mind. Our attitudes are contagious, so we have to ask ourselves, âIs our attitude worth catching?â Today, we can choose to be a dark shadow or that positive reflection in the mirror that casts a kind and caring light over the life we live.
Have a beautiful day in sobriety my friend and remember to be kind to yourselves and to each other.
