Hello! I’m in my second month of sobriety and am only just realising how much social anxiety I have. I started drinking because I was shy in my teens, and as I live in London I never thought that was weird - everyone drinks to talk to each other. Now I’m off the booze it’s shocking how awkward I am. I feel like I’m having to learn all the things I put off by using drink as a crutch for the last 30 years. I don’t enjoy being the shy girl again, but I’m hoping that I can help that part of me grow up move forward. Anyone else feel the same way? Does it get easier?!
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Yes!! I can relate. This is my first week fully sober and I’m realizing I’m more shy and maybe more introverted than I had realized. It feels like I’m rediscovering myself in a way, which is kind of cool/weird. I noticed myself feeling socially awkward at an AA meeting last week. Booze made all that stuff easier. I guess I’m not as outgoing as I was pretending 
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It gets easier. I was shy --can still be shy-- and drinking seemed like such an easy way to take the edge off… and then some. I agree with you that it was a crutch, a very comfortable crutch. Until it wasn’t comfortable…like waking up and hearing with horror the things I had said and done while I was drunk. That was super unenjoyable. I miss the easy confidence and belonging I felt at the beginning of a night at the bar but I don’t miss all the other shit that came with it. Part of why I used to drink was for me to feel more comfortable and part of why I used to drink was to make others feel more comfortable with me. And that’s over now. And it’s a relief. I’m not anyone’s dancing monkey anymore (
). I perform less for others now. I just come at you straight without the bells and whistles. I find that when I spend time with some of my friends who are still partying pretty hard, that there is a lot of performance in it all. Exaggerations in volume, in the hilarity, in the performance of being drunk. I’ve watched friends act as if they are more drunk than they are. It’s exhuasting and no longer necessary. Sober time is a “get reacquainted quick course” with your old self and I think its the only way you grow. All of it gets easier over time. Sounds like you’re doing just fine.
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I have this same question. I also started drinking early in life and now that I know I need to stop I have to get through all the anxiety I have put off dealing with for the last two decades.
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Gosh, thank you all. Last night was a real struggle for me and it was good to be able to vent here. I am on vacation in Greece where I spent some of my childhood - always come here alone as it’s easy. Last night I couldn’t speak Greek - I was sober and I just didn’t have the guts to throw myself into it and make mistakes but be ok with that like I would when I was drinking. I just got more and more anxious and edgy and I know a beer (or a few) would have made it all go away and my personality and ability to communicate would be back. But as I was lying in bed cringing at the things I didn’t say and the awkward silences I caused, I realised it was still better than lying there cringing at the drunken things I did say, the overfamiliarity and possibly even the guy I would have taken home. I thought I’d never sleep as I was so wound up.
I did go to a meeting in London but i found the format of the room gave me a panic attack. I’m not sure if going back is a good idea but I keep reading that you will fail if you try and do this alone. Or it’s more likely.
And I totally get the performing monkey thing. I had to tell my close friends in the beginning that I was stopping for medical reasons as for them it was more important to have fun, drunk me around than for me to be happy with myself.
There is a lot of rediscovery ahead - of ourselves but also of who our “friends” really are.
Love xxxx
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I am most certainly socially awkward without booze, I really needed that Dutch courage to talk to people. I have found that the longer I stay sober and work a program, the less anxiety I have and the more I am learning to like who I am, and not care so much what people think. It’s my third month, some days are easier than others.
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Being shy isn’t always a bad thing either! While obviously the panic attacks etc aren’t great, the other side of it is that in social situations you actually listen to what people say. You learn things about them and/or things they know which can make you a better friend and a more interesting person. I read this perspective in This Naked Mind recently and it really rung true with me. My drunk self would just talk and that might have seemed like it made me more fun/outgoing but I’m sure it made me less interesting. Silences don’t always need to be filled and sober silence is probably usually better than drunk waffle or oversharing 
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Maybe get a sober buddy to replace a drinking buddy ,if you go to meets try and get phone numbers so you can arrange to meet at meeting beforehand and go with them and even have a coffee day were you can meet up and have a chat removing the booze is the first step then we can learn to become more relaxed in other peoples company,and youl prob meet someone who had the very same problem you have wish you well, been to a few meetings in London.
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Thank you for your kind suggestions. I will look into a less scary meeting when I’m back in London and work on befriending! Ironically I think the only time I’ve really felt like a drink is getting myself together to try a meeting. But I’m sure lots of people are going through the same thing. We’re all just kids inside, however old we are
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You can change the title of this to rediscovering myself bc sobriety grants you the gift of being the person you’ve always been destined to be. You can find all new friends and basically re-write your story.
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When I first started sobriety I was so confused because I loved being social… at the bar. I’m super shy and have massive social anxiety (except at work where I’m in control). And you know what? I love my me time now more than ever! Once I’m off work I can’t wait to get home, get out of my cloths, and just do whatever I want. Which is almost always staying in and being the world’s biggest nerd. The only reason I loved being social at the bar was because it was a great excuse to drink. Haha, I’m a bit of a hermit it seems, so take all this with a grain of salt.
INTROVERTS RULE!
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Sending virtual hugs @Jeanie! I also live in London and there is a lot of ‘performing’ going on at all times. Alcohol certainly helps everyone get into that highly sociable mode but does it really help? How good does being highly sociable feel when you are trying to recollect all the things you said the night before?
Personally, I prefer to say few things while being absolutely aware of what I am saying rather than ramble all night about random (and personal) stuff (to everyone, from friends to complete strangers), which I have done countless times and I remember with regret. With time, I feel more free to express myself, there is an enormous amount of freedom to be found in sobriety.
There are great suggestions in this thread and finding sober friends is only one of them. Have you tried women only AA groups? Just an idea.
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I think part of the shyness comes from not being comfortable or really knowing who we are. The drinking changes who we really are. Sober me is disciplined, polite, considerate, restrained…my wife says “charming and funny”. Drunk me was sullen, morose, withdrawn, and could be boorish when attempting to be funny.
Sober social life can be uncomfortable, but growth doesn’t happen inside our comfort zone. We need to become comfortable, being uncomfortable.
Get to know “You”. Get to like “You”. People will like and want to get to know you too.
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So many wonderful suggestions, so much insight, and so much inspiration! Thank you. I was feeling that it was me against the people mourning the loss of “fun me” (even tho I wasn’t, for all the reasons mentioned above - the oversharing, the crappy mornings, the insincerity). It’s changed everything to feel all this support and understanding from people in the same boat. I like the idea of women’s only groups too, at least till I feel more comfortable with the format in general. Thank you allxxxx
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