I drank last night. I threw up all over my friends car after only four glasses of wine. I am going to just get right back on again, because what else is there to do? But I’m puking And I’m so thankful for feeling like shit. I wish I could bottle this feeling and bring it out whenever my mind is telling me it’s okay to hve a drink. I was doing “dry January” and did it. But then I knew I felt good and wanted to keep it going so I went into Feb. but I’m realizing I can’t go back to it. And that scares me. It’s been such a crutch in my life. And I feel great without it, so why is the idea of quitting so scary?
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Great first step in coming back here. Relapse happens but you seem determined and are among friends!
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Trial and error. You found out what doesn’t work. Next step is to start figuring out what DOES work. It might change over time, maybe today your kids motivate you. Tomorrow maybe it’s your dog. Maybe it’s something as small as remembering to take the trash out or as big as making it to an important business meeting. Keep counting your sober wins!
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Print this post out and put it where you can read it daily!
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Get back up and try again. I know for sure I can’t go back. Sadly, no amount is ever enough for me and I’ll pass out, black out, and feel horrible. Hold on to those feelings for motivation.
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My last relapse was on 11/04/21. I still had Antibuse in my system, and I never felt so sick in my life. Ever since that day, just the mere THOUGHT of taking a drink makes me feel physically sick. I never want to go through that again.
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Great job only using once and coming back, I too relapsed a bunch of times but the relapses got shorter and shorter until (hopefully) now no more.
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So many of us have been there.
You aren’t weak, inadequate or faulty.
It’s the neurons that are wired that way and "the addict voice " wants to call us back.
We are all here to support you. Take your time to internalize what happened. Learn from it and set a new date when you are ready. Mostly just be kind to yourself. 
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I was so scared of quitting drugs in the beginning. Even tho they caused me sooo much pain, they were still always there and like urself they became a crutch. Recovery in the beginning for me was effin scary! The idea of not living without something in my life to fall back on scared the shit out of me. It’s the unknown, it’s change… and I dont like change. It got ti the point tho where I was soo sick and tired of being sick and tired. Sick of the lifestyle and sick of feeling how I was feeling. I couldn’t live life with or without drugs. So I had no choice. Honestly… we know what to expect from using and drinking (it gets progressively worse). Why not keep pushing forward in recovery and see truly what it has to offer. And I guarantee you that it will amazing u. It will be hard somwdays but soo worth it! Step outside ur comfort zone and just embrace recovery and what it has to offer. The thing I fall back on in my life today (instead of using drugs as a crutch) is my supports, meditation, exercise, Higher Power, all positive healthy things to get me thru. Drugs serve no purpose in my life anymore 
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Because change means no longer being a victim - and most of us have had our addictions taking control for years, often decades. (We’ve been living in “my addiction wants this and it does what it wants - my substance / addiction is king and tells me what to do”.) it’s scary because you are literally standing up to a bully: your addiction, which has been bullying you for years.
Sassy has a good list of her reasons for staying sober - it helps her. Take care & don’t give up!
Scroll down a bit for the list:
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Yeah, it sucks because when the memory is clear it’s easy. But when I start to forget it’s easy to justify drinking
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I get it. I’m 34 days in, still trying to learn routines or tactics to ignore the voice in my head telling me it will be fine, just a few. Glad you’re on here and wishing you the best.
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