I just relapsed when I was just about to make 7 months clean (longest by far I’ve ever gotten). I got to the point where I couldn’t stand how I felt all the time while clean. I just wanted to numb myself from life. I have my first child on the way in January. I’m terrified of what might happen. I’ve seemed professional help and have been to rehab many times. I don’t know what the solution is for me. I feel like maybe there just isn’t one. There’s never a moment in life that I feel any contentment. Every day is the same boring routine. I’m losing hope.
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I’m happy your back after your relaps
Sometimes people leave and don’t come back and I don’t know what that means sometimes
I have 13 days almost 14 days
Sobriety is good
I’ve been told and I agree that recovery is also very good to work with
Don’t pick up ok
Day 1 is important
7 months is amazing
I believe in you
You can do this
Keep coming back
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Hey man! I’m glad you are here. Don’t have to keep digging. Push off from here. What are you doing to support yourself in sobriety?
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I am so sorry that your having a hard time and I truly get it I had broken the mirrors in my house because I didn’t like what I seen but now I’m content with what I see in the mirror now and my success was My Loving God he did for me what I couldn’t and didn’t want to do now it’s time for you to Love yourself and only do,think, and speak positive period point blank do not entertain anything negative and you too will desire the next minute of the day from that point on trust and believe and I will be keeping you in my prayers 
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Hey Matthew, it’s good to have you here. The main word that sticks out to me from your post is content, you’re never content. You got a first baby on the way and no happiness about it in your words. Something is missing or blocked in your life. That is causing you this discontent, worry, stress and your wish to numb yourself. That something can be external (like stress or a bad relationship) or most likely internal things, things in your mind, old feelings and thoughts. Or a combo of both. As long as you continue to WANT to escape from your life, because of things in it, mental, emotional or social or other things, that you want to avoid, you will. You will relapse and your sobriety will not stick. My fav sobriety saying is Build the life you don’t need to escape from. And by that I personally try to live. This takes time of course. It takes a lot of work first of all to identify what the things are that make one unhappy. I have psychotherapy to help me figure that out over time. Can you do therapy?
There’s also AA and other 12 step programs. They offer guidance and support and I suggest you seek em out. But your story spoke to me and I think you need some more personal in depth work aswell.
Best of luck my friend.
Also here are some resources. I love the literature section and have many biografies of ppl who were equally miserable as me and made it to get better. Can recommend. Resources for our recovery
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To each his own @Teddybear and I am glad you are stable in your recovery journey with the means that fit you best. All the best to you!
So nothing personal here, but I do wanna offer my opinion to what I perceive as toxic positivity in the interest of OP. It does not work to block out “the negative” and control one’s own thoughts and feelings. Do not attempt that. Or do, it really doesn’t matter other that that it’ll waste your time and cause you more misery.
What your real feelings and thoughts are will always come through in your actions, as in relapses and other attempts to flee and negate and avoid and get away from. Only knowing ourselves better and actually, gradually becoming the person we already are, living a life that fulfills our needs will eventually make us content. There is no magic pill or thought and there are no shortcuts and switches in the brain. There is only this one life and one soul you have. Attempt to know and accept it, and change what you can, and to love it eventually.
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I see a counselor every week, see a doctor every few months to help with meds but I need to go back to meetings and getting a sponsor (even though I absolutely hate both of those things). My issues are certainly internal to me, massive anxiety, low self esteem, depressed that life isn’t better and so on. And I’m not saying this to brag or anything of that nature, but I have a pretty gosh day good life. I’m frustrated that it cant be enough to satisfy me.
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Glad you are seeing a counselor and doctor. There are lots of sobriety communities out there. I found a wonderful local AA group and also participate in The Luckiest Club. Keep your chin up. Rooting for you.
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I used to feel a lot of pressure to feel happy, and it would lead me to trying to do all these things that I thought would be the key to making me feel a certain way I thought I should feel. I also relapsed about every six months or so when it didn’t happen and I got hopeless, discouraged and overwhelmed with all the races, craft projects and classes, and whatever other random crap I thought would make a difference. It took a long time to realize that I was putting this pressure on myself, that somewhere along the way I developed some set of expectations about how I should feel while experiencing an objectively pleasant and happy life and that those expectations were probably the result of external impressions of how things should be rather than how I as an individual human feel and navigate life. Once I realized that I don’t have to worry about whether I feel as happy as the family on the dish soap commercial, or as fulfilled and well-adjusted as people I know on social media purport to be, or as externally joyful and loving as a romantic television couple seem, the pressure eased and it was such a relief. I mean, it still happens sometimes, but not so much. Constantly second-guessing and measuring your emotional experience against some other probably BS standard undermines whatever happiness you are achieving, and letting it go gives you a chance to appreciate things better, and to understand how you as an individual process and experience happiness. This is a really long story to suggest taking a step back and evaluating whether you are truly unhappy, or if you’re just not feeling the way you think you are supposed to. If you’re truly unhappy find out why and make some changes, because you deserve to be happy. Drinking is not the answer; I thought for a long time that drinking made me happy but it doesn’t make me happy it just makes me drunk and there’s a world of difference. Best wishes to you, my friend. It sounds like you have a lot to be grateful for, and congratulations on the child!
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