Unfortunately it sounds like you have some acceptance phase you still need to go through…No one or thing can get or keep you sober. Its God or your higher powers grace or mercy dont get caught up with God or religion your chair in an AA room can be your higher power! Find a home group, get a sponsor and stop self assesing yourself…your story is like so many others… the one thing you must do perfect in AA as i was told was step one! Always remember you cant outhink the drink!
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My main resistance to AA comes from my family. When I was 18 my mother got engaged for the first time. This man had been in AA for a long time. He had done his steps and owned a couple recovery houses/sober living facilities. He was awful to me because I smoked pot, as I think a lot of California teenagers do. My sister was only 10 and he had already begun to indoctrinate her into the doctrine of AA. My mother began to attend Al-anon. Every birthday card said “keep coming back”, “it works if you work it.” Keep in mind I barely drank at this point, other than a beer at parties once in a while I was mostly just getting stoned, and living independently and getting solid grades in college. Soon my mother and my sister drifted away from me. I feel as though he stole my family from me, so every meeting I go to and I hear those phrases and anthems that’s all I can think about. My trauma is AA. So ever since then I feel like an outsider in my own family.
He also later became verbally abusive to my mother. She lost her job in 2008 and didn’t work for some time. They had bought a 800k house just before the crash. I was visiting once and apparently there were no bananas. He yelled “ wtf does it take to get some bananas in this house?!” I snapped “drive your ass to the store!” My mom told me to just leave it, it’s fine. I didn’t think it was fine then and I don’t think it’s fine now. Every time I step into a meeting or think of AA that’s what I think of: the man who stole the only people I had in this world. Then he died and I’m still on the outside. They revere him as someone who saved them. I think if my sister hadn’t grown up with the idea she was already an addict, she wouldn’t have suffered through addiction in the same way, or maybe wouldn’t have gotten there at all.
I understand this works for many but I hate this man, even in his death. The pain AA has caused in my life as a tool of manipulation can’t be erased. So I say I don’t believe in god or a higher power, but what I really mean is F that guy.
Thank you for sharing such heartfelt deep emotions. I teared up reading them so thanks for sharing!!!
I can understand your pain and frustration with AA. Have you ever heard the phrase “you might be the only Bible a person reads? Or, “One lousy Christian turns away a 100?” These two phrases came to mind when I read what you just shared about your stepfather.
I haven’t done AA either but I’m not opposed to it. I just haven’t done it. Really no better explanation. However, I can relate to your feelings towards AA as many of us have the same feelings towards religion. I grew up force fed religion the way you were force fed AA. Nothing for nearly 20 years made my skin crawl like hearing someone preach about God because I associated it with the version I was force fed as a child. The same way you felt about your step father and AA.
Then during covid I found myself with lots of time on my hands to not only kick up my drinking but I started doing some soul searching. Probably the early days of really wanting to be sober. So I started following guys like Rick Warren and Greg Laurie. Two Bible based pastors. No religion BS just pure God has a plan for you message and no hidden agenda. Definitely not the crap I was force fed.
Rick Warren wrote a book called the Purpose Driven Life which is amazing. I started to realize that all these “Religion” pushers were what pushed me away and completely turned me off. The same way your step father did with AA. Guys like your stepfather are probably why I haven’t gone to AA now that I think about it 
I was definitely the prodigal son and my new found faith that life is bigger than just me has helped me stay sober. My message to you is your stepfather may unfortunately be the only AA message you read or worse he probably turned off hundreds on AA while he was alive but realize it’s your life and your version of AA or whatever program it is that you’re going work but you’re going to be saved from a life of alcohol if you work it.
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