I feel so much shame. I don’t know what it is about blacked out me, but that girl loves to drive. When I got my DUI in 2008 I had no intention of driving that night. However I drank too much and when I came to I had crashed into a series of parked cars. It was devastating and I nearly had to drop out of college. Now I had finally gotten a new car. First rule was never drink and drive period at all. Then the rules began to loosen as my grip on alcohol began to loosen. First one drink was okay and then it was two. Then it was “depending on how I feel.” Of course drunk assessments are always in my favor. I got lucky I didn’t do any damage to myself or others. My vehicle has a couple missing body pieces that are easily replaceable. I can buff the scratches out.
I feel an incredible amount of shame for being so reckless with myself and the lives and property of others. I don’t want to end my thirties the exact same way I ended my 20s: with incarceration and hefty fines. The worst part was I thought I lost my key fob. I walked around everywhere, looked under and around my car. I cried on the phone with the dealer after trying to get through to get an appointment. It was going to be $600 dollars roughly. I’ve been bad with my finances so I called my mom. She was very upset with me, mostly for drinking and driving, and said She would only help me
If I went to an AA meeting. She thinks I need to try strategies I’ve been “resistant” to. Well shortly after I hung up that phone call I found my keys. Alcohol not only put my life and the lives of innocent people in danger again but had caused me a tremendous amount of stress, not just for me but for my mother as well.
I know I can live my life sober, but I feel like battling depression and loneliness stands in my way. I’m thinking of trying an outpatient rehab or something like that. I’ve tried AA before and I really don’t care for it. I’m not religious and I am not fond of the idea that I have to be powerless over alcohol. I wish there were midnight AA meetings. Or somewhere sober I could gather after work when the temptation is the strongest. Sobriety leaves me feeling so isolated and while there are a few people that go to the local watering hole that don’t drink I am not that strong yet. If I smell the tequila I want it. I know I need help but I just feel lost.
Whether you are fond of this idea or not doesn’t really matter. From reading your post it is obvious that you have absolutely no control over drinking. If you did you wouldn’t be here. Don’t worry though no one else here has any control either so you’re in good company. Plenty of other programs to try besides AA so read around here and take your pick. Do something will always be better than doing nothing.
Stick around and read this forum. There’s over 499 years of combined sobriety experience here! Not only will you find knowledge, you will find support. Many of us used this tool to get sober with great success, you just have to put in the work.
Also, I’ve seen many people not fond of the whole powerless thing, keep in mind, powerless is not weakness. You can be strong with both physical and mental strength and still be powerless to something. Powerless also does not mean helpless. One can have the means of selfhelp and the support of a million people and still be powerless. Take gravity for instance, we are all powerless to gravity.
Its ok to be powerless, it just means we know and understand our limits of what we can and cannot do.
If you google “loneliness and sobriety” you’ll find lots of information. Or even look up “sobriety” on YouTube.
Here’s something from a quick search: Staying Sober When You're Lonely | Gateway Foundation
Don’t give up, it is so hard at the start but life is much better!
I am not religious either so I went searching for an alternative and found Secular AA. They are a number of worldwide non religious AA groups that give you the benefit of the known success of AA without the god component. And you can find an online meeting anytime of the day or night!
It sounds like you are powerless over alcohol @Meyley and I think you realise this. You just need to find the support thats right for you.
https://aasecular.org/ have a look at their site and see if it might be a better fit than traditional AA.
Just think of getting sober like you were just told you have pancreatic cancer. Are you fond of getting chemo three times a week? Going under the knife? Me either? But you have to have the mentality that this whole thing is going to kill you and possibly someone around you.
I’m mid forties and I’ll tell you waiting until my age just makes it worse. I didn’t hardly drink in my 20-30s compared to the handle a week I was drinking now.
Also, I’ve never been to AA either but the thing I’ve heard and read about AA that works is that our whole society is so based around me or how I feel or I deserve this etc and AA’s focus is based more on the fact that life is bigger than you and that perspective is what really has made sobriety much easier for me to grasp and stay with sobriety. Things like do I want my kids to me alcoholics? Do I want to be a positive impact to those around me or just barely make it through life. Would I want to be so financially successful that I can help change someone’s life?
Two get started strategies that worked for me were “eat whatever you want the first 60 days just stay sober and make yourself intentionally beyond busy/physically exhausted. That limits the idle time. Also, caffeine free ice tea. I drink it at parties (looks like whisky in a glass or in a solo cup) everyone thinks you’re drinking zero pressure. Caffeine free I can drink it in the evenings when I want alcohol. Fakes my brain out since I’m satisfying my oral fixation.
Last, I’m starting to understand why certain people fail and certain people succeed the more I read and follow each person’s struggle. First, identify if you’re a person who typically finishes things you start. My neighbor is a surgeon. If she says she is going to run the Boston marathon I’d bet my life she is going to not only run that marathon but also work in a few triathlons just for fun.
My nephew on the other has never finished anything in his life. His mom signed him up for t ball when he was little. He didn’t like it so they quit. High school to tough and you have to go everyday. College started and dropped out a million times. New job every month. Get the picture? He never can maintain sobriety and is living on the street. Understand who you are and what your tendencies are so you can identify them and break them and not fall into old habits.
One more thing. Initially you’ll think sobriety sucks. But I just went on a mini vacation. Relaxed by the pool, actually drove to my favorite restaurant since I wasn’t hammered, did all kinds of active things instead of nursing my usual vacation hangover everyday and I actually showed back up Monday refreshed for once instead of needing a vacation from my vacation.
My two cents. Reach out if you need to we are all here
Neither do I. However…i knew I couldn’t keep sober. I walked into AA…and did what I had to do to keep sober. On my 4 year anniversary, i switched to Dharma Recovery.
AA saved my life.
If you dont wanna go, that is perfectly fine. If it were me, i would start googling recovery groups and start going…there arecao many out there besides AA
Getting sober = doing something different from what you are doing right now.
Depending where you are, there are various types of AA meetings, including non-religious. Online meetings are available anytime. I can find them during my daytime in Japan.
There is also SMART, Recovery Dharma.
No-one loves that they had to go to AA, especially at first. And you don’t have to love all parts of AA. I hated that I “had been reduced to this,” and doing the steps there were steps that I only got thru because I reinterpreted the literature so my eyes didn’t roll out of my head. I dread to think where I would have ended up if I hadn’t given AA a good go, not just a couple of meetings, but find a sponsor, do at least half the steps.
I hate to say it but it sounds like you ARE powerless over alcohol. And that’s okay.
It was actually quite freeing when I came to accept that. There is no point in wasting my time or my life thinking I might have some control. It just is what it is, and what it is is I am powerless to alcohol. And now I move on free of that conflict. Sure I wish I could have a drink but I can’t because that drink will ALWAYS beat me!!
When you realize that the pain you experience in recovery is more tolerable than the pain of another relapse, you might have a chance of breaking the relapse cycle
If you had a sponsor you could phone them or make friends with other people at the meetings and have a night in or out to socialize effort and desire wish you well
Welcome to Talking Sober, I’m glad you are here. I hear you saying you want to stop drinking. You have expressed a willingness to try a different approach and a different way of life. A little reluctant, maybe, for AA. And you know what your trigger time is.
Finding a safe place to be at midnight is a real challenge. This place is open 24 hours, and our European and Australian members are active in our early morning hours.
If you are finished with drinking and you are willing to try anything, the good news is that it’s exactly the place so many have started from and found long-term recovery. For me, I started with getting arrested for DUI and having to provide daily breath tests to stay out of jail, and Antabuse and AA and individual counseling and an intensive outpatient program. Today, Talking Sober and AA are at the core of my sobriety. Here is a fantastic thread full of ideas that folks have used to get and stay sober.
Blessings on your house as you begin your journey.
I also think you might try to reframe this powerless notion.
You are only powerless over alcohol if you actually drink it. Your power over alcohol will come from abstaining.
Your stories about driving while drinking really resonate with me. I had the same problem. Sober, I knew that drinking and driving was putting me and others at risk. As soon as a few drinks got involved I was never too drunk to drive. To eliminate the risk of permanently altering my life, my loved ones, or someone elses life I must abstain from alcohol. I have proven it time and again. Luckily I never had to face those life altering consequences.
Take a look at your local paper every weekend. Nobody plans on taking someone elses life by DUI. So many examples of regular people who make a wrong choice and alter so many lives around them.
I’ve reached out to a few old friends I know became sober. So far they’ve been some help. My sister is actually a drug and alcohol counselor and recommended a bunch of programs. I just wish my family could be more supportive. My mom wants me sober but I probably hear from her once every couple months. And when I send her milestones I get no response. I’ve looked up online dharma meetings have yet to attend, but I’ve got a few written down that will fit my schedule. I also practice yoga 4-5 days a week and that helps keep me level.
Hey @Meyley I can hear the pain and loneliness in your words especially in your last post about wishing your family were more supportive and not getting the validation from your mother when you reach milestones. I know that must hurt a great deal. I know how lonely it must feel. Dont give up sweet girl. Post your milestones here for us to see and congratulate you on. Even if it is just one more day. Because here, we all know how hard it is to get just one more day. People who have never struggled with addiction just do not fathom the sheer mental and sometimes physical effort it takes to claw through every day without slipping and falling back into the abyss of addiction. It doesnt mean they do not love and care for us, they just dont know or understand the pain of addiction. But we do. Each and everyone of us do. So reach out here for encouragement and let us be your cheer squad. We will give you excitement and delight with each day you conquer Yoga has been my saviour through my first weeks and attending online meetings that fit with my shiftwork has been a wonderful sourse of support. Stay strong @Meyley you are not alone.
Ree
I truly understand your struggles. Thank you for being transparent and sharing. Sending you tight hugs, a shoulder, ear & prayer on this rough day. We’ll figure it out someday. Until then, one day at a time❤️
as you begin your journey.
Yoga has been my saviour through my first weeks and attending online meetings that fit with my shiftwork has been a wonderful sourse of support. Stay strong 