Hi Haley, I’m sorry to hear about your relapse. I have the same problem and the same thoughts about porn - I started to realize how I was supporting human trafficking - and that is what pushed me to seek counselling and recovery therapy.
First, keep in mind: recovering from addiction, whether it’s overeating, overworking, substances / drugs, or masturbation, is one of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do. It is one of the few things in life that asks you to do deep, careful work on how you behave and why. And it takes time and effort. You are not a bad person for having tripped up here. You’re someone who has set up patterns in her brain’s reward circuitry - the same circuits that are essential to our survival, the same ones that reward us when we get a job or finish an assignment or a date or a meal - and they’re familiar, and habitual, and for some time, they helped you survive. Now you’re trying to change them. You can do it - but it isn’t like flipping a switch.
I didn’t make substantial progress myself until I joined a dedicated sex addict recovery group. There are many different groups to choose from. Neal made a good post about them a little while back:
Do you have one you could join?