I was doing so well. I had my first month plus like 4 days in years. Now I’ve messed up a few times in a row with PMO. God porn is so gross now. I cant stomach it, and this time I wanted to. I’ve been so stressed with COVID, potential eye surgery, trying to use my voice for once in my life to stand up for what I believe in only to have it doused by half a dozen family members who are ignorant to their cruelty…what would they say if I shared my addictions with them that I’ve had since I was 7?
I just ended up feeling more guilt and shame watching porn. I’m basically supporting human trafficking by watching anything on a porn site. I just feel so messed up. Like how am I ever supposed to have a healthy sex life one day? I’m a christian and I didnt wait till marriage but I am now and I want to find healing. I want to be able to have, like, normal, unfetishized sex but what does that even look like? Porn isnt providing those answers.
I’m tired. I’m trying go have grace for myself, but this week/past 3 months have just been heavy. I’ve come this far, but I dont know how else to build endurance to get past 2 to 4 weeks except to just keep trying and reflecting when I mess up…
I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been having an awful time. It isn’t weird at all that this global situation is causing you stress, and an eye surgery doesnt sound super chill either.
I’m an alcohol addict myself but addiction at its roots is the same for all substances/habits, doing something you know is self destructive despite the consequences.
Do you have any close support? Like a sponsor or a group? You mentioned you’re a christian, is there a way a spiritual leader can help you? I’m not religious myself so I have no idea how that all works
As for a healthy sex life in the future, dont stress too much about that now. With addiction its day to day. If I start thinking about “will I be able to stay healthy years from now?” I just kind of panic which drives me closer to relapses so…one day at a time!
Pick yourself up, do something you love to distract you, maybe a new hobby to keep your mind busy. You’re 27 I’m 26, we’re young with plenty of time to become the people we want to be
Hang in there <3
Dust yourself off and try again. It’s hard I know trust me I am on day 63, if you are alone even more harder. Stay strong my friend just put in your head that you want to change fir the better see what happens.
There are many resources out there. I finally recognized that I had a problem with porn and chatrooms when I was around 29.
I spent 6 years with this same mindset. I was part of forums for people with the issue for 6 years before I was willing to believe that I needed the help of a 12-step program which gave me the gift of a more spiritual life.
If you’re at all curious about recovery groups, I sincerely suggest you try it. I wish I could’ve gotten over my willful arrogance about my ability to go it alone when I first had the idea that this was affecting my life. It’s been so much less stress in my life when I lean on my program rather than relying on me and my addict brain to find the sober path.
Hi Haley, I’m sorry to hear about your relapse. I have the same problem and the same thoughts about porn - I started to realize how I was supporting human trafficking - and that is what pushed me to seek counselling and recovery therapy.
First, keep in mind: recovering from addiction, whether it’s overeating, overworking, substances / drugs, or masturbation, is one of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do. It is one of the few things in life that asks you to do deep, careful work on how you behave and why. And it takes time and effort. You are not a bad person for having tripped up here. You’re someone who has set up patterns in her brain’s reward circuitry - the same circuits that are essential to our survival, the same ones that reward us when we get a job or finish an assignment or a date or a meal - and they’re familiar, and habitual, and for some time, they helped you survive. Now you’re trying to change them. You can do it - but it isn’t like flipping a switch.
I didn’t make substantial progress myself until I joined a dedicated sex addict recovery group. There are many different groups to choose from. Neal made a good post about them a little while back:
