I relapsed over the weekend. I thought I could manage to balance my screen time, but I can’t. From now on only movies for the social aspect of it, not because I’m “bored”. Or stressed. Or to mask my self-hate. I must co-exist with my problems and accept them instead of creating more by ignoring them. I need to come to terms with that I hate myself, then I can start working on the causes and eliminate them. I can’t recover in one day, it’s a process and I see that now, now time to accept it. This dance of almost weekly relapses has hurt me enough already. It’s time I put an end to it.
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I have made a list of clear boundaries. This way I’ll have it cristal clear when I relapse and not let my mental state deteriorate for a while because I don’t find it a true relapse yet.
- No series
- only movies for socializing
- 30 minutes of online news per day; watching news clips is not allowed
- TS only for recovery purposes
- YouTube is only to help understand school; mathematics explanations, physics explanations etc.
- Under no circumstances use DuoLingo to learn a language(I used a lot of DuoLingo the first few months of recovery. I know better now and will count this as a gaming relapse next time I “play” it)
- NO GAMING
P.S. some of these boundaries are problems from previous and not current problems
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What do you do instead?
Can’t put boundaries that strict and don’t have backup plans. Everybody is on their phone or connected in some ways these days. It takes more than strong will to ditch all these tech/media, especially when you know they’re meant to be addictive.
What is the list of thing you want to do / be? What is the need you have when you want to use? It’s those needs that have to be addressed and taken care of. What are you so frustrated you’re not doing while watching movies or series ? I mean, we all know series make us feels like shit if we watch too much of them. But what do we want to do then? What makes you feel good, or at least better or ok? Because we can’t just remove something that makes us feel something without replacing it of some sort of comfort either. If I am bored I don’t feel like doing some workout instead of movies. It’s just not how it works. If I feel like looking my phone at night I’d switch with a book because when I read BS on my phone I feel it makes me feel dumber. So I go for books.
What’s your plan in between of the boundaries you’re setting? Because when I said I won’t drink anymore, it just started to work when I had a lot of planning ahead done.
Anyways, just some thoughts.
Hope you’d be fine. Good day!
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Is it possible for you to just say, no movies at all? I don’t mean to be discouraging, but you’ve been through this several times over the last month, talking about moderating screen time. What if you just set a clear boundary of no movies at all?
And set a whitelist of websites. TS could be one, and whatever other sites you need.
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Hey there, I am so sorry to hear this. (((Hugs))) I can feel your frustration you have within yourself from your post. It sounds like you have a clear plan, an approach to set yourself boundaries that are hopefully manageable and doable for you, so that’s good to hear. Know that we are all here for you, to be as supportive as we can be! Keep your chin up.
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Damn this is a good reply.
I could restart making a weekly schedule or only for the weekends as they seem to trigger me. I did buy some crossword puzzles a couple of days ago which I could use to achieve from watching TV. I have got a few e-books I still “have” to read. LEGO’s need to all be rebuild and all bricks sorted by age to make my sets as authentic as possible for if I ever want to sell them. I’ve got a lot of homework to do too. And I want to work out more. I’m gonna make a week planning now so that I will avoid a lot of free time. Thanks for the reply 
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I can say no movies at all. They don’t bring anything good most of the times, but I do watch movies to bond with my dad and I find it very hard to bond with him as we are quite different. He’s racist, he’s homophobic, he’s in denial about his mental issues, he is a very strict Christian, he’s, well, kinda really dumb. Whilst I am none of those things, so I find it hard to bond with him in another way as he dislikes most of my hobbies.
How can I whitelist websites, because that sounds perfect
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Heyy you amazing person I’d like to call my friend 
Your a very smart man
I think reading and studying for fun would be really good for you.
Imagine what you could be in the future with all of those smarts
Good luck
I hope to hear more good things soon 
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I’d like to call you my friend as well
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Friends it is
How are you feeling??
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I am feeling positive at the moment. I am at school now and I’ve already done a lot of good things today, which I’m quite happy about. I do sense some self hate just beneath my conscious, but that’s understandable on day 1.
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Ok school is great
Maybe we can talk more about the self hate after school
Just know there is no good reason to hate you or to hate yourself
Be yourself and find what makes you happy. That is a process believe me. No fear 
Be proud because you are a amazing guy
Message me after school or when you find a suitable time to talk
Take care
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Most of the “whitelisting” online relates to disabling ad-blocking for sites whose ads you do want to see (because you want to support them). The principle applies to whitelisting sites in general too, and if you can get it to work it may help in your case. (Note: I haven’t explored this myself though. I have been part of a white list network at my workplace. It is worth exploring to see what’s possible.)
https://support.mozilla.org/en-US/questions/1152114
(Note: Google uses the terms “blocklist” and “allowlist” instead of “blacklist” and “whitelist” (in case you’re using Chrome).)
A number of people here in sex / porn addiction recovery use variations on this, to control their online activity. The most successful ones incorporate personal accountability to trusted real-life people (family or friends), through programs like (for example) Covenant Eyes. Looking for options like that will probably prove helpful.
Take care Jan and never give up. You’re a good person who deserves a safe life where you can be your full self.
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