I’ve got a first meeting on Sunday. I have had help before but not from AA. It was more one to one
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Yes my drinking is very much linked to life feeling overwhelming and not having the assertiveness to say no when I feel like I’m giving too much to people around me. I do have therapy every two weeks but not particularly for the alcohol, in fact I’m probably not completely honest with her about the alcohol or behaviours alcohol is causing because I’m too ashamed
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Try a book called The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober.
It sounds like you’ve learned about “The Creep” it’s the slow slow return to drinking which is so slow that it’s deceptive. First just one. It’s a treat right?? A special occasion!? Then, maybe even months later… Another one, it’s fine right!!! You controlled it last time, then a month later, then maybe a couple of weeks, then it’s the weekend, then you’ve had a hard day at work, then just because, then everyday… You might roll around in the every day part at that stage for a few months or weeks if you’re lucky… If you’re stuck you’ll waste years of life there.
Just one drink is not just one. It’s a life destroyer.
You’ve learned this now! Your are stronger for it and you can use this information to help yourself live a better life!
Dig deep and make sure to use ALL resources and suggestions that are suitable for your life. Keep going! You are awesome.
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The therapy does not need to be spefically about the alcohol, as the drinking is just a symptom of your inner conflicts and it seems you’re working on those.
However, therapy will not be fruitful as long as A you have the escape of active addiction i.e. as long you’re not sober and B as long as you’re not honest w your therapist, this goes for anything, but addiction in particular.
So I would work on those two points, if I was you.
Also, add to your support. If possible increase the frequency of your therapy sessions and / or add meetings. Clearly, you need more support.
Wish you the best. I’ve been where you are, not w the relapses, but w being in therapy while drinking, and it did not work, I did not work.
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Good try a meeting they will help wish you well
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That voice won’t go away, but you can develop healthy sobriety tools for managing it, including joining a recovery program where you’ll have the support of others. When my mind starts thinking about all the reasons I want or should have a drink, I know now that it is all BS and I immediately try catch those thoughts and change them; give myself a reality check. It made a big difference when I stopped glamorizing alcohol. Now, I play the tape all the way through. And I don’t pick up the first drink, otherwise I know it will just lead to a second, third and so on… Only regrets and despair down that the road of drinking alcohol. The sober road brings me peace, self-love, acceptance and confidence. It takes courage to be sober, but it is worth it 
you deserve it too and you have the courage within! Wish you well
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I did this little calculation at the beginning of my sobriety. It was sobering (pun intended). If you have failed to control it X number of times, what are the chances you can control it this time? Half a smidge above fuck all?
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A lot of us know this part…we try to moderate or make rules around drinking or think…oh look, I went xxx number of days…I can drink now without xyz happening!! Yeah…no. We have all been there and yes, it is a hard realization and truth…there just is no secret decoder ring to ‘drinking normally’. Believe me, I would have one, I tried it all.
You can stop torturing yourself now and put all that behind you. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but mentally and physically and emotionally life is WAY better in sobriety. For one thing, we don’t have to be so damn vigilant around when/how much/what kind/if we ate/ etc and alcohol…we can just let all that go. It is really freeing actually. We don’t realize we are in a cage.
I like the thread above that Misokatsu shared and the book above that Badger shared. I found a lot of compassion and understanding and knowledge in quit lit.
Glad you are here.
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Your therapy sessions will be actually helpful if you tell your therapist about your alcohol use. I lied to my therapist for years, or certainly omitted my alcohol abuse. What a waste of money! You can’t get benefits from therapy if alcohol is still in your life.
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Keep in mind that you are not drinking today, just until your head hits the pillow sober. There are ways to be happy and sober, to be fulfilled and sober, to be fun and sober. The AA program has worked for millions of people, including me. I was in your shoes for years, but when I was ready, I threw myself into AA and it saved my life. I used medication and therapy in addition to it, and altogether it finally left me feeling “happily and usefully whole”.
Blessings on your house 
as you begin your journey again.
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Try the book How To Control Alcohol by Allen Carr. I listen to it on audible when I’m driving and its been really helpful to me
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Yeah its not easy mate just for today wh one day at a time and take the advise frome these guys they know what they are talking about
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Needed this today. “I want to get drunk” what simple truth I have been avoiding.
Very frequently I have that feeling of “i can moderate if I have enough will power and then it will be fine” but drinking always results in going overboard or feeling like crap the next day. Also alcohol severely affects my sleep. Its like im a zombie.
Drinking in moderation will not help that. Yet I convince myself it will all be okay because im an adult who deserves to relax. But its not relaxation im after is it? Falling asleep during meetings because I cant sleep is not relaxation. Having no energy or concentration because i feel sick is not relaxation. Throwing up is not relaxation, blacking out and binge eating is not relaxation.
When I pick up a fancy cocktail, a glass of wine, or a bottle of beer, I dont want to be relaxed … I want to be drunk.
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That’s what it is! When you get down to brass tacks, that’s all that it is!
Something clicked for me when I heard this.
A lot of smokers will claim that cigarettes will calm their nerves. When in a stressful situation, they will want a smoke to calm their nerves. In reality, it’s not their nerves that are shot, they are experiencing withdrawals, which introduces stress on the body and mind. Smoking removes the withdrawal symptoms and the individual is under the assumption that the cigarette removed the stress. A non-smoker in the same situation would have rather low stress.
Drinking is very similar. We drink to relax, because we might feel wound up or stressed, but in a lot of cases, for the heavy drinker, it’s withdrawals that is the real source of discomfort, and drinking quells the withdrawals. At the same time, going to that well again and again increases the withdrawal symptoms, thus requiring more alcohol (in quantity and frequency) to quell the symptoms. It’s a vicious cycle!
I’ll tell you, after 4 years being sober from alcohol and nicotine, I am not “stressed” in the same way I was before I quit, and relaxation, happens almost effortlessly now.
Turns out, turns out, the reason I needed alcohol to relax was because I used alcohol to relax…
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Hearing for the first time in an AA meeting that we alcoholics don’t want to drink, we want to be drunk, that was a real eye-opener for me. To know that other people felt and thought just the same way I did, but managed to stay sober, that was a spiritual revelation to me.
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You need to start running with the Winners. Alcoholics Anonymous. You will meet people you need to get to know and who will help you get through your current travails with a little less pain. But make no mistake, staying in RECOVERY, not just staying “'sober” or “abstinent” is work that you have not outlined that you have done, so make a personal promise to yourself that you will do whatever it takes to stay in the 12 Step Program and be open minded, tolerant and willing to change. No change can happen in your mind and your body until you resolve to follow instructions (from a treatment program if you are in treatment, and in AA). First thing you should do at this point is get a professional substance use disorder assessment from a licensed professional where you live. It should be someone who can at least make a cursory screen for mental health disorders since about 60% of those with substance use disorders are also dealing with one or more mental health disorders. First you have to get clean and into the 12 Step Program and regularly attend live meetings.
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Drinking erases will power…hence why moderating doesnt work
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Give sobriety all you have. It’s a better way of life
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I’m exactly the same. Relapse get sober for a gew months, relapse get sober gor a week, relapse get sober for a few weeks repeat repeat repeat. Thats been my pattern for years and its really wearing me down. Sorry I’m not much help to you. But you are certainly not alone. I would appreciate some help myself Tried AA for years. Ah well.
.keep trying!!!
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Keep trying