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@Fishy, thanks for sharing. I can sense the defeat in your words as I’m reading them. I know that feeling all too well. This feeling says,
“I’m doomed to chronic relapsing for the rest of my life so I might as well accept it.”
You just need some encouragement and inspiration.
First of all, well done on being sober for 4 months. And I’m not just referring to your addiction to alcohol. You also have characteristics of sex and love addiction. If you went to an SLAA meeting today, you would fit in with the rest of the women in that meeting.
You’ve mentioned before in previous posts that you cannot have sex unless you’re drunk. So in this case, alcohol is not only an addiction, it’s also a ritual; a ritual that always follows it’s course to having sex with other men that you would normally find repulsive. Not only is this a futile attempt to fill that love void inside you, but it’s also dangerous. You’re putting yourself at risk of STDs along with other dangers.
This is not real sex or love, by the way. It’s a counterfeit. It’s just as much a counterfeit as my porn use and my using of street prostitutes.
The dangers of this is, once the pattern is established, it’s hard to be open to and experience healthy sex and healthy love. But one thing is for sure, continuing to indulge in counterfeits will only make matters worse. You’d be better off never having sex and love again for the rest of your life than to be continuing this dangerous and destructive cycle.
So I want to encourage you to surrender this. You can do it, just for today. 
It does get better. Don’t lose hope. We’ve got you’re back. You are so loved here.
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@Fishy. I’m not sure how you feel about AA (or the likes) and a higher power. But your post screams to me that you need to work on letting go of some issues. I’m not saying AA is the only way but it has done wonders for me. What I found is a relationship with my higher power he doesn’t only damn us to hell for our sins he has helped us in every step. Allowing us to find that connection was the most rewarding thing I’ve gotten through AA. I’m not going to pretend it will just make all the “crap” go away but for me it is reassuring to know I can turn it over and let go of it. Ok I’m sorry if I’m overstepping but I see a person in need of more in there sobriety tool box.
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I read it the same way as Chad-R. I personally dont go for AA or higher powers, but it sounds like you need more help, of whatever kind works. Its putting a lot of pressure on one therapeutic relationship, if its the only tool youve got. Can you, as well as getting a new shrink, try a few other things to work on all these deep issues? Maybe meetings of some kind, maybe group therapy, maybe yoga, meditation, exercise, journaling, learning something new, volunteering, meditation, etc etc? The whole tangle of sex and self loathing sounds so hard, and its going to take more than 4 months. But it seems like just not drinking, by itself, isnt going to take you where you need to go. You need to start forming some happy, healthy habits, so you can feel connected and alive and good from yourself, not booze. Good luck.
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Awesome sharing @Oliverjava. I, myself had a number of therapists who didn’t seem to have a clue of what to do with me.
So yeah, I had to take responsibility to do what’s best for me. No one else was going to do that for me. Learning to embrace positive coping mechanisms is a huge factor in my recovery too.
@Fishy, thanks for sharing. A lot of people have had similar experiences. Sorry that this period of sobriety has been so tough. I hope, down the road, that life will get more enjoyable for you, that you allow yourself to do fun things without acting out, and that you make more friends. It will get better. And as the promise states,
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
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Nooooo @Fishy! You were my sobriety twin!! Well, I’m really glad to see you back here, anyways. It means that you haven’t given up and are still trying. I have had so much help from one therapist I saw in SF, but after I moved to San Diego saw one who couldn’t “handle” my case. I think she mostly was comfortable with eating disorders, or something light, lol. Sometimes you have to shop around. If trauma is an issue, I highly recommend finding one who is certified in EMDR. Good luck and keep coming back here! You can do this!!
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Hey @Fishy,
Self-hatred is something I had to work through in my life. It was a driving force that led into my addiction. A good thing about practicing positive coping behaviors in my life is that not only do they help replace the void, but also they build up self esteem.
A good positive benefit to recovery is ultimately being able to look at the mirror, and like and love the person staring back at me.
Feeling good about myself is more important than feeling good.
You’re not disgusting nor repulsive @Fishy . I have faith that you’ll see that one day. And that you’ll learn to feel that way all on your own without the need to have sex with a man to provide you validation.
You are so loved here. You’ll get stronger. You’ll get wiser. You’ll be a better person because of this challenge
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I had 127 days ~4+ months then went out 2 nights in a row which equals to 2 hangovers and lack of sleep last night. I feel like crap, but it is so easy to go out and socialize plus fun to see people. I could do it and not drink instead. I really thought I had it that time, but was bringing a friend to my Mom’s to evaluate some electric work and he kept talking about bars and beers the whole ride. Then I hadn’t eaten lunch - hunger is a trigger - then I said where do you want to go - excuse to repay him for his time. Then his wife who I’m friends with also knew went out so yesterday she asked me to meet her at the place in walking distance, so I didn’t drink or drive either day, but closed the bar last night and fell rapidly back into old pattern which is too challenging and tiring. Need to nip this in the bud IMMEDIATELY!
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@Oliverjava, I think you made such a good point about not settling for a mediocre life. It’s hard for me because the life of an addict is all I know. Not understanding what life is without my addiction. Not knowing how to function in a world that’s different from my own.
I recall dropping out of SAA after 6 years of feeling like I needed a break. Couldn’t get sober anyway so what’s the point? I already blew up my marriage. I was by myself again and I thought that I’m going to practice healthy sexuality by picking up women and getting them to have sex with me. Of course, I didn’t know how to do that because my acting out consisted of isolationistic activity devoid of intimacy. So I picked up a seduction manual and started to implement some of it’s tactics. And along with developing a habit of exercise, my replacement life was an improvement. I was getting girls. I was having sex. So what if I’m still using P and giving up on sobriety and recovery. I’m now getting healthy sex. I must be getting better, right?
But 4 years later, I came back into recovery because I knew that there was more work to be done. I hit a bottom when I got arrested. I later discovered that I barely scratched the surface of entering the new world that recovery brings. No, I shouldn’t settle. Because that also led me nowhere. Looking back, I see that very clearly.
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I was sober for 2 weeks then suddenly I needed a drink 3 week on I’m drinking every day hiding beer cans my wife thinks I’m sober I can’t seem to stop any excuse I don’t know what way to turn