TW: discussed self harm, scars, eating disorder, weight gain
I harmed myself again today. I was so close to 4 days too. 3 days and 20 hours. Just 4 hours. I just couldn’t do it anymore. Day 2 was already rough, but today was worse. I noticed I gained weight today, which made me feel miserable to be honest. I’m not sure if I should be sad or angry at myself. But I’m also a bit proud to be honest. This is the longest time I’ve managed to not hurt myself in months. This could have worked out. I’m just too weak to pull through hard times. I don’t know what to do now. I’m meeting some friends tomorrow, I’m just hoping they won’t notice the new scars
Sadness, anger, even some pride at your streak, these are all natural feelings (especially when you’re just starting to try sobriety from your addiction).
You’re not defeated, just because you failed this time. And, I’m really glad that you came here afterward - that says a lot!
I can relate though. My first post in this community was marking three days of sobriety - then, a couple days later, I gave in.
So, please try not to be too hard on yourself.
It is important to realize though, you can do whatever you choose to do. You do not have to give in, just because you are tempted.
What you and I have to learn is how to turn to our help & support BEFORE we take a harmful action. We also have to learn the power of ‘letting go’ - letting go of trying to control our thoughts and instead just letting them be whatever they’re gonna be (while we do the things that will keep us in sobriety)…
I’m no expert in any of this, but with the help of this community, we can both learn to do this together.
I am sorry you are struggling right now @IgPan. I don’t know if getting clean from self harm is like getting clean from substance abuse or not. I have experience with that for sure. I have learned that will power only takes us so far and it is not an infinite resource unfortunately. The tools that have worked for me are journaling, meditation, walking in nature, hobbies. Basically occupying my mind until the craving passes. I hope you can find resources that will help you quit this thing you want to quit so badly. It sounds like you are making progress and that is awesome. Tomorrow is a new day and you can make a fresh start. Never quit quitting.
