After 5 months of being completely sober I relapsed. I wasted the last of my money on a gram of dope one night, and then I did it again and again. Bought MMC and mixed it with my prescription pills, bought LSD because I wanted to try it ateast once. I’m broke so I wemt to my family (which I didn’t talk to in years) and practically demanded 400 NIS to be able to afford my LSD - I lied to them and said I need the money to buy some expensive perfume. I feel awful but I also don 't give a shit because life has been undearable and when I do drugs I feel better momentaruly. I have no one lecturing me about this which feels freeing (my ex would be all up in my shit when I atill lived with him). I ran out of MMC so LSD it is. I’m angry and frustrated and this is the only thing that helps. I’m ashamed of myself but I’m desperate enough to turn to drugs again. This is the state that I’m in.
It’s the only thing you know that helps. And for how long? I’m sorry you see no other ways, ways that don’t involve doing drugs. There are other ways. Ways to make your life better instead of worse. I’m not lecturing, but you are here and here you are. Makes me think. Wishing you all success.
Hi @VxnaSxra - welcome back to the community. I read your post and was wondering, how (if at all) can we help you?
Hi Alex, I’m so sorry to hear you’re struggling. The despair you’re describing is all too familiar.
Do not take the LSD. Based solely on what you’ve shared on here in the past year, trust me, you will NOT have a good time on it. Psychedelic drugs dig deep into your mind and memories and any darkness that’s there will come out and leave you feeling 10 times worse. That’s why, even at the height of my use, I avoided these types of drugs like the plague. Even weed used to give me full blown panic attacks because of my trauma and the darkness inside of me. Seriously. Just throw that shit away.
I don’t understand your post. This is a recovery web site. That means people post here for help to get better from drug, alcohol or other addictions. What do you want?
State clearly why you are posting here (as opposed to somewhere else) and what you want. Because if you want help, you did not state that in your post. All you state is that you don’t care if you feel awful because your life is unbearable.
Just a thought, but when someone posts about the despair they’re feeling, I’m not sure how helpful a post like yours is. People sometimes want to vent. Asking for help doesn’t need to be explicitly stated with the right words all the time. Especially not when the person is in the middle of a relapse.
Agree with you i have like 2and ahalf years clean and i still have moments that i am just venting i some time dont make sense to anyone else but at that time it does. No those feeling very much but what has gotten me this far being clean is not picking up… (odaat)
Sometimes people who are struggling aren’t sure what they want. (Sometimes people who aren’t struggling don’t know what they want either). Sometimes people just want someone to ‘sit in the mud with them’ for a bit. People aren’t always able to ask for help directly, but as you notice, op is asking for company or help indirectly.
I understand feeling desperate and that escaping reality is the only way to feel better. But it is only temporary, and then the reality you return to has added guilt, debt, lies, etc. Getting free from addiction, having a life that you can bear is the only way forward. How did you manage to stay sober for those 5 months? What can you restart? What can you add? You deserve a sober life, we all do. 