Sad idk what I want anymore ):
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Be kind to yourself. Brush yourself off and try again… I have relapsed many times and it feels awful so I know how you feel … you deserve to be sober and healthy I know you can do it again 
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How about what u don’t want? Puking, memory gaps, feeling weak, hurting loved ones, etc. You can make this the last time u do any of those bloody things.
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It’s a bit 12-steppy, but I had to make a list of what was “insanity when drinking” and what was “sanity when sober”. It might help link to what u do want. Some of mine were -
Insanity is thinking I can look after my kids well when drunk, hungover. Sanity is being present for my kids.
Insanity is being too drunk or hungover to do anything. Sanity is having the energy and concentration to do hobbies.
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Does relapse happen…yes. Does it have to…no. The question, if it were me, that needs to be asked is, “why?” Why did I relapse? Why what I was doing didnt work? Why wont I try something more.
Getting sober is hard. Aa, smart, therapy,ect exist to help you.
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Like others have said, I got to the point where I was consistently saying to myself “I can’t do this anymore.” I didn’t want that life anymore, and I also was pretty clueless as to what I wanted instead. I had gone through all the excuses and bargaining and finally accepted that drinking alcohol was the one variable that I had the control to change. That is what gave me the motivation to stop, and getting support here and elsewhere is what gave me the courage to stay stopped. You absolutely can do this, and you don’t have to do it alone. Read here, start reaching out more often, offer words of support to others and take a look at this thread with a bunch of folks who are newly sober and checking in with each other: Marching Towards Sobriety
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