I think what makes me drink is the future. The uncertainness. I used the phrase “I don’t know.” very often but it’s never been this literal.
I know that I need to work on my dependency issues. I’ve been doing okay until we had to get separated because turns out a certain person that was born in a certain country has no rights to be present in an another certain country.
It’s such a funny joke. “Hey, the love of your life can’t set a foot here but alcohol is avaliable all you want so why don’t you have a drink until everything is ok?”
Thank you very much that’s what I’ve been doing but it did not help a bit.
I’m insecure and miserable. I gave myself permission for another drink today. I always use the same excuse. “When I get accepted by the university I want, I’ll stop.”
Yes I probably will stop since getting accepted by a university means I’ll get to be with my boyfriend and I never drink with him.
But when will it happen? In a month? Cool. But no it won’t. In 5 months? Probably. I don’t wanna be drunk every day for 5 months. What if never? What if I never see him again? What if he has a car crash tonight. What’s my reason to stay alive then? Who am I without my dreams?
I can’t even cry because it’s tiring. Also because I am not free to cry as I want.
One thing I know is I won’t last unitl I figure out about my future. Maybe I won’t get to enter my dream university. But I’ll get in one. The sooner is the better. I don’t even care anymore which university sends an offer. I’m expecting the first one. If my boyfriend has a problem with it, he’s free to wait for a better option. But I can’t stand waiting no more.
I’d break all the bottles but my dad is a drinker so there always will be alcohol around. Drink or not drink. It’s up to you.
Yes I’m so scared. Constantly. I’m in a mindset where I need to make it alive until it’s time for better things. Like starting a new school, meeting my boyfriend again, doing the things I’ve been dreaming of. I have a chances to be a better person, right now I don’t feel like I deserve anything. I need to prove myself as a good girlfriend, a good student, a good daughter. I fucked up so many things. Just when I figured out the way to fixt stuff…life decided to put more problems in my way. Now I’m stuck.
Sounds like you feel yourself to be “performing” to these different “audiences”:
your boyfriend (I need to “prove” I’m a “good” girlfriend)
your teachers
your parents
What about you? What do you want? Without referring to what you think other people expect of you. What is at your heart? What is your need, your place where you are at home?
Who are you, when you are fulfilling your own self, your own identity?
I agree with Matt here. What kind of future are you building if you are drunk and numb and passive about your present? Any time healing is contingent on something else happening in the future, like, “I won’t get better until I get something,” you are setting yourself up for never receiving what you want in the first place because you are in no condition to ensure anything you want happens. You are spinning your wheels. Work on you right now and then start lining up your plans for university and beyond. Healing in the present is a plan in and of itself that guarantees both a better present AND future.