I just relapsed a couple days ago and ruined 76 days, and I haven’t had that much time in over two years. Tried to stop but the mental obsession is overbearing, so I picked up again tonight and used. So tired of sticking needles in my arms. I’ve been to a meeting every single day I’ve been reaching out but I can’t get out of my fucking head.
Where do I go from here what do I do now.
Just need support and sober people to talk to right now.
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What you do doesn’t have to be who you are. Everyone that has clean time. …once didn’t. Many of us were in a very similar spot and I for one know how hard it is not to turn back to using when you’re under stress and feel hopeless. The good thing is: there’s always hope. Even when it feels like there’s none, there is always hope as long as you’re breathing. God’s always there even if you can’t feel him. 76 days is amazing!! I’m super proud of you. Now you strive for 77. How were you able to make those 76 days?
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I was in sober living in California and I was doing so well I even became assistant house manager of my sober living I had planned to stay out there for a year but made the decision to go back home while in an emotional state of mind and I don’t think I was ready. I have no support at home like I did there and I feel so alone. My head is the worst place to be and I just want to run away
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I think I’m feeling so hopeless because I’ve been trying to get clean for so long and since I’ve picked up needles my obsession has been 1000 times worse. I sit in meetings and listen and I didn’t use at all today but as soon as I got off work and was at home in my head that was it. If I keep using I’m going to lose everything for good, especially myself. I’m so scared because now I don’t know how to stop.
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Your head can’t be the worst place to be as long as my head is out there. 
Joking aside…I really feel like I can’t relate to that. I think our brains are literally the worst enemy sometimes. Is there a way you could get back to Cali? Have you searched for similar places by you?
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I know the feeling. I’m so sorry you’re feeling that way. The good thing is…you know you need to stop. If you did it once…you definitely can do it again. Even if you feel like you can’t
I can, it’s possible but my family and my husband don’t understand why I have to go to Cali, and they were right I should’ve went to sober living here because all my support is out there and not here. No matter where I go, there I am. I can’t keep running from myself. But what I was doing out there was working
I just don’t know how to stop feeling sorry for myself and dwelling on the relapse but when I come down my head is not in a good place. I can say I want to be sober all I want but it’s a different story when I actually sober up.
I just need the strength to win this fucking battle. I’m tired of living this way and I just want to be happy again, and love myself. Easier said than done.
I see that you were going to meetings in Cali can you look up so the local ones na,aa. Anything you can to be at meetings as constant as possible to break the obsession because that’s what is causing you to want to keep using and it will help build up a local support system. Tell the people there that you need help right now if you havn’t already. They have all been there as have I. 76 days is amazing so you do have it in you
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Thank you, yes I went to an NA meeting tonight before I used. I’m trying to make support and friends but I’m so in my head like throwing myself a pity party. I want instant gratification (of course) because it was sooo damn hard for me to get 76 days. So hard. Feeling like giving up.
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Be patient and believe in yourself. I’m really sorry to hear you relapsed, I hope your doing better now.
It’s hard to say anything about it going back was not the right move.
Was your family needing you back?
I try to seperate everything with my early recovery into Needs vs Wants.
The hardest thing about recovery is knowing you have to be so selfish for yourself. We can’t do anything for anyone else until we’re hole. Otherwise atleast for myself I jeopardize everything when I go out of my way to help others in whatever manner it maybe bc I’m simply not ready to be strong enough in my recovery to be help yet to anyone else.
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Yeah I used to feel like using after meetings but I think that’s because I want putting enough in to it not saying that’s the case with you. Look at meetings lists and see if there are any you can go to after that one etc. If there aren’t please just either share or find someone you feel you can approach and tell them what’s going on because I really think they will do whatever they can to stop you going back out. That obsession/compulsion they talk about is no joke, it made my last relapse go on for four years. I don’t want that to happen to you 
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Is there a sober living by you? Any way that you and your husband could move to another area? Have you checked into a therapist around you? That’s helped my motivation a lot.
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There is but they require a deposit and first months rent and I’ve pretty much exhausted all financial avenues at this point so if anything I’d have to wait till I get paid two paychecks and save up to go. A month is just a long time
I feel like I’m worried too much about what everyone else wants for me instead of what I need in order to get sober.
Because my life is going to fall apart so fast and i just can’t continue on using like this I’m mentally tapped out and exhausted.
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Give yourself permission to put yourself first.
This is your life we’re talking about.
One of my sons moved a couple hundred miles away to get clean. I doubted, at first, if it would make a difference in his 10 year drug addiction. Because, like you said, wherever you go, there you are. But moving was the best option for him and his arm hasn’t seen a needle in over 2 years.
Moving literally saved his life, as he had od’d numerous times prior.
Glad you are here. Please keep checking in with us.
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Hi @Mirandayarb. First of all, welcome!
This is a great community.
And, yeah! Your share makes so much sense to me. Most of the time, I’m in a good state of mind, but I lose clarity A LOT. And my many relapses have always come with learning opportunities.
Your sober living arrangement provided you with a safe environment. It’s okay to continue needing that. We’re not all so strong. Is there anything that you can do now to make your environment more safe so that you can protect yourself from yourself when you have these moments of unclarity?
I’m thinking that I would need several things to get a hit of meth. I would need cash, needles, a supplier, transportation. I could easily set boundaries around each of those areas to make it more challenging to use when the urge comes. For example,
I could get rid of my access to cash by not carrying cash or a debit card and solely using checks or online banking to pay my bills.
I could have a friend have control of my car and give me rides to work or a meeting when I need transportation.
Delete all supplier contacts and all drug buddies from my phone. If my phone is a problem, turn it over to a friend.
Relapses are always preceded by a ritual, a process followed that leads to acting out. It could be going to the bank to get cash, hanging around drug buddies, keeping a stash of drugs in your closet. Whatever they are, find them, and stop them. A ritual always follows it’s course.
Don’t give up. There is hope.
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That’s really good to hear and gives me hope. I mean whatever I was doing out there was working. But do I up and leave or do I stay and try to white knuckle it. I don’t really know.
There is so much fear behind making a decision like this.
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I can imagine the fear and uncertainty. It’s a big decision.
As for white-knuckling, I guess that comes down to how successful that approach has been for you in the past.
It’s good that you are here. So many willing listeners and people that can truly empathize and support.
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This. You are right, you can’t run from you. It begins and ends with your being able to say “no” to the hardest person to say this to…you. I think this is a common human trait, not exclusively related to addiction.
Addicts and alcoholics are just like everyone else…except more so. We amplify emotions, wants, desires, to drown out the screaming of our rational minds that say “don’t do this to yourself”. Sure, some environments are less conducive to recovery, and some people and places toxic to our mental, physical and spiritual health. But it’s really up to us to find the strength to say “no” to our DOC, and to say “no’” to ourselves.
Do whatever you must do, to say “no”. Move. Meetings. Rehab. Church. Exercise. Meditation. Nothing can be off the table. If you lack resources, there are folks here that can get you pointed to these. I hope your plan includes frequent time here.
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