I didn’t even hit three days off the cocaine. I feel so weak and I don’t know if I will ever be strong enough to do this. I want to be sober so much but it’s got a hold on me and I hate it. I’m fucking terrified because I know I’ll end up with nothing. Maybe if I can find the strength somehow, I can fix everything over time. But I seem to fall at every hurdle, every temptation. Only positive is I’m going on holiday today for one week and I won’t be able to get hold of any. I’m hoping once the week is over I will have the smallest amount of hope that I can do this.
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Don’t be ashamed of yourself for relapsing, it’s part of the process and we’ve aĺl been thrre a million times. Just never give up hope in yourself that’s the key. It doesn’t matter if it was day 1 you fucked up on or day 100. As long as you keep trying that’s what matter’s mate.
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Thank you so much, means a lot. I’m actually relieved I pysically can’t get any for a week because it’s out of my hands. I hope I can find some strength when I return home from holiday, to take over the fight. I have a glimmer of hope that by then, I’ll feel a bit better in body and mind and keep going.
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You’re more than welcome. I really hope this week long break gives you the strength you need to keep on going. Longer by longer you’ll go and then at one stage you’ll have it down pat. You got this. 
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I’m right there with yah, it takes a hold of you quick. Don’t give up
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It’s great that you’re planning to use the holiday as a launching point!
How can you prepare yourself for the cravings as you return back? Have a think about this and write down methods for coping.
Also be careful, because after a full week off, the addictive voice might start lying to you and telling you that you’ve done so well that you deserve a little bit or that it’s ok… Be ready for this, and tell the addictive voice where to go.
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Thank you. Same to you, we can do this, one day at a time.
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Thank you so much. I’m planning to write down my thoughts and feelings each night before bed and think of as many coping strategies as I can. I don’t think I prepared myself the first time, I need tools and distractions. Appreciate your comment 
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this insight is so important! it’s not that you cant do this (you absolutely can) - it’s just that you need new tools and strategies to assist you. im excited for your week long holiday without access, why don’t you spend some time each day considering how you will approach your return. what are some tools that will work for you? sit with this, be honest with yourself. do some research, come on here and ask questions (i think someone has a “sober toolkit” list, i’ll see if i can track it down!).
another good open-ended question is “why do i want to use in the first place”? i have found that sobriety is not only recovery from my drug of choice, but an emotional face-off, really looking at the painful feelings that once caused me to want to escape, and growing as a result of learning how to navigate them instead of numb myself. this is a huge part of sobriety as well, so remember that. you will need to expect that triggers will come, and be prepared to navigate them any which way other than the way you’re used to.
i completely believe in you. sobriety is an unfolding process and it can be very difficult at times - but it’s 100% worth it and a million times better than the alternative. this community is here for you! lean on us! you got this 
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@Stace36 I believe you have the strength and determination - after all, you are sharing on this forum, that says a lot about you and your capacity and courage for change.
I encourage you to stay the path and there is no point in beating yourself up if you slip up, we all have!
Loads of hugs, encouragement, strength and blessings from me to you from the land Down Under xo 
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All of this resonates with me. Addiction is a beast that I did not have the strength to fight alone no matter how badly i wanted it, how hard I tried, what promises I made or how much I loved my child. Addiction doesnt give a fuck and when its active we are powerless. Until I was able to accept that truth I was its victim, I was its puppet. Making empty promises everyday only to break them to myself and everyone around me. I was putting my own life and the life of my child in danger everyday because the addict that lives inside my head had control of my mind and my actions. The only way I have been able to stay clean for the last 4 years is by surrendering. I know it sounds fucking backwards… but surrendering by asking for help, admitting that I am powerless over this shit. The only way to not use today is to accept that I have no control over my addiction. I can not manage it, i can not stop anytime I want, I can not just have one. I had to seek help from other addicts who had stopped using drugs and had found a new way to live. I did not know how to not use drugs!!! I didnt know how to live…
I checked into this forum evreryday, somedays every hour. I started going to meetings of narcotics anonymous. I started getting outside help, lots of it… I started to recover.
Drugs and alcohol are a symptom of our disease, they are not addiction. They are what we use to avoid feeling and dealing with life. Addiction is a disease of the feelings, addicts have a feeling problem, we just dont know what to do with them and thats what we need to learn. We need to start being ok, with not feeling ok, or being ok with feeling amazing and not getting loaded.
Get some help, your worth it. 
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Think about what chemicals you are putting into your body and damage it’s doing to your insides. That’s what made me quit it completely 15 years ago. The high isn’t worth it. Whatch a video on how that shit is made now.
You have to be smarter than your addiction!
You can do it. Don’t be a victim of dirty drugs 
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Wow thank you for this! I can’t express how much this resonates with me. I’ve read your comment a number of times and I have even screenshot it and saved it to my phone so I can access it quickly 
I think I need to have “respect” for my addiction (as wierd as that sounds) because as much as I despise it, it’s insanely powerful. It’s going to a huge challenge and a big job to become sober, and every job needs tools.
I woke up feeling better today, it’s amazing how much being in a new environment helps your headspace. I think that’s a sign that I need to make changes and not keep living the exact same life and expect to be able to stop the coke. At least for me anyway, I think changes to my life are needed in order to set the best foundation.
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Thank you so much!! Australia, wow! I’d love to visit there someday appreciate your kind words and encouragement, means a lot!
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I completely understand everything you say. It doesn’t sound backwards at all. I actually have just come to the conclusion that I need to have respect for my addiction as much as I fucking despise it because ultimately it has complete power over me. I was no way prepared for this fight but I’m essentially fighting for my life now. Thank you so much for your comment, you’ve been incredibly helpful. You have immense strength and courage. We can do this!
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i’m so glad you’re feeling better today! remember this for next time - these feelings of defeat and despair, they pass. you just proved it! and wow is it powerful that you identified the need to develop “respect” for your addiction - i love this. respect means you’re present, you’re listening, and you understand the importance and power of the nature of the subject. it also, means recognizing & honoring boundaries. it’s also beautiful to see this is a respect thing because honestly the addiction is so valuable once we are ready to look deeper - because the addiction is pointing exactly to where we need to pour love and care into ourselves, and begin to heal the wounds we’ve long ignored. that’s another reason to respect it as well. bravo, i will remember this.
and hey, we’re all doing this together so never feel defeated! i’m rooting for you 
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Good morning. 
It was nice to wake up to a response from you. I am glad some of what I said landed, I know its a lot to absorb, especially when we are in the thick of it.
I am not sure if you have found it yet but there is a check in thread here that helped me loads when I first cleaned up. It helped me stay accountable and I went there when i couldnt stop thinking about picking up and people talked me off the ledge. I will link it below.
Checking in daily to maintain focus #59
One of the best parts of being clean is all any of us has is today. Recovery is a 24 hour thing, no matter how many back to back days you have. We wake up and we start fresh everyday. Everyday we have to comit to staying clean for another 24 hours. That made that first while a little more reachable, knowing I didnt have to look past today. Just take it hour by hour if you have to. Somedays will fly by and others will drag and you will feel like shit. Regardless, you are never going to be alone unless you choose that. So keep coming back.
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hi 
and thank you so much for your comment, it means a lot. I’m approaching 6 days! I feel great but I’m soooo tired in the afternoons!
I do still feel disappointed in myself on the whole but I do need to learn to accept that addiction is an illness much like any other. None of us wanted this. You are right in what you say and comments like this are a huge support and really helpful.
Thank you
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I’ve had to compose myself before replying to this because your comment bought me to tears. I absolutely feel so deeply everything you said. I hate myself if I’m honest. I feel absolutely worthless but there is a tiny bit of hope inside that I can only pray is enough to keep going.
I actually do a “man’s” job myself, I work with all men. I’m a slaughterperson and I think I’m ok at the job. Most of the guys are addicts or ex addicts. They have no clue about me though. I hid it from everyone. Which adds to the feelings of shame and isolation. It’s strange because I don’t think bad of them, only myself.
I have the same feelings as you when you talk about homeless people. Even before addiction took hold of me. I think there’s something inside us, that connects and understands.
Life can be so sad
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