Hi Corey,
You’re in a bit of a cycle because you’re not climbing up out of your addiction hole. You keep repeating the same pattern of using and feeling regret, using and feeling regret - read back over your posts here since you joined and you’ll see it - and you’re probably doing this because, as you said in your first post, in May 2021:
That’s the addiction talking right there: “this will work, this will make the anxiety go away, this will feel good”.
It’s a lie, addiction is always a lie. That voice, that pull, that draw - it’s a lie.
What you need to do is pretty simple:
- If you’re having medical effects from heavy drinking, you need to go to the emergency room and get treated. It doesn’t matter if you feel ashamed or regretful. You need to stop hiding. Hiding is addiction, reaching out and honestly going to get help, is helpful.
- Inpatient recovery is helpful. www.FindTreatment.gov will help you find one near you. Just call or visit the places you find and see what is possible. I know you have kids. They’ll be fine. Figure out somewhere they can stay. There is a place and you will find it if you search. Call your local social services, call your city Children’s department, call your childrens aid society, call someone who can help. You’ll find what you need somewhere, and you’ll be able to be a more present, helpful father when you’re sober.
- Join a group and go. www.AA.org is good or there is a list here: Resources for our recovery. The group will help you form healthy connections (addiction is isolation; recovery requires reasonable and healthy social connections)
(Edit to add: you need to keep this crystal clear in your mind: my sobriety is absolutely top priority. If there’s anything planned or happening that makes me feel at risk, I cancel or I leave. If there’s a trip or an event, and I feel vulnerable, I cancel. No explanation needed, if you don’t want to. If there’s chaos in the house because the kids are going nuts, I do what I need to do, maybe I take a short walk [most of your kids are teens anyway right? Old enough to care for themselves for an hour or so] to clear the head and calm down. Etc etc. Nothing else, absolutely nothing else, is more important than staying sober.)
This pattern of anxiety-use-regret will continue until you change your choices. You need to change your choices. It’s that simple.
Thinking of you brother. Don’t give up. 