Last Monday, my 44th birthday, I went to my first AA meeting. I’d just spent 6 nights in the hospital with my husband, watching him detox. It was horrific.
I made it 6 days, but relapsed on Saturday night. Worked Sunday brunch shift, then drank a few shots. I figured I’d already failed the night before, so what the heck?
Came home, had a few more shots and a bottle of wine.
Started bawling, knowing that I’d failed. I don’t know how I could fail after 5 days, when I know other people have been sober for months/years/decades.
I can’t even make it a fucking week?!?
My husband is making plans to go to the hospital tomorrow to detox again. I know he will want me next to him again, but I still have PTSD from watching him a couple of weeks ago. He doesn’t remember 99% of it. He got combative. Ripped out his IV. Thought it wasn’t a real hospital…that it was a cult and they’d brainwashed me. And a whole bunch of other traumatic experiences. This is what started my sobriety journey last week…which I’ve messed up already.
I’m sure I’m not the only one, I’m just pretty disappointed in myself right now.
Nicola, I’m so sorry you are going through this. Know that you are not alone and there is help and support here . If AA is helpful, please use it. If you need other supports, find them. But please don’t be so hard on yourself. You did five days, and have been through some pretty tough shit, and your addiction got the upper hand. You recognized this and came here, and that means you have courage to face this demon and fight for your freedom. You didn’t fail. You learned. We are all here for you, and many if not most of us tried multiple times to stay sober, before we could build any kind of long term sobriety. You may see people here with months/years sober, but you didn’t see the journeys they took to get there. So don’t sell yourself so short! Keep at it, and you will succeed.
Ooof. Yeah thats tough. Getting sober is hard, but what ither choice do you have? Did you drink every day? If so its no wonder you cant go 5 days youre most likely physically, mentally, and spiritually addicted.
I kept with AA. I told them when and how I failed but I kept my desire to quit through it all. When I lost it I talked to guys until I found it again.
As far as your husbands detox. Thats tough. Sounds like maybe detox wouldnt be a bad idea for yourself either. I feel like if you guys can do your own things and get sober individually youre doing more of a service to each other than sitting by the bedside. Hes going to eventually have to be able to rely on no other humans to get and stay sober as we all do, but we also can’t do it alone. Tough situation. Seek and accept all the help you can as youre already doing. Congrats on the 5 days.
I would get so discouraged when Id relapse Id obsess over day counts. I “threw away” “decent” day counts many times and I felt like Id never get back to those numbers. But day by day they add up. If you start today tomorrow thats 2 and so on and so forth. Good luck to ya. Always down to chat.
Can you write down what happened with the relapse then read it next time to remind you of how it felt.
This whole thing of “I’d already relapsed so more didn’t matter” that’s the alcoholic voice, and I KNOW 100% that’s the route my inner alcoholic voice would take off I even had one drink. Don’t let it get it’s claws into you, shut it down straight away. Don’t debate with it.
The first few days are the hardest, it gets easier gradually over time so don’t beat yourself up about that. I think my whole third year is feeling easier than the first week, if that makes sense.
Nicola, I’m sorry to hear everything you and your partner are going through right now. I can see you’re under a lot of pressure. You’re watching someone you love hurting, while you’re trying to quit and hurting yourself.
Do not get discouraged by your relapses. You can get sober, some people need a few runs at it before it sticks. You need to change your mindset. After the first shots, you thought ‘what the heck’ and continued on drinking the next day. If you feel like relapsing at all, it’s an emergency. Do not try to get through urges on your own, get help. Go to meetings, get on here and talk. You’re surrounded by people here that understand you, and can help you either stop the relapse or minimise the damage if it’s already done. Relapses can turn into a runaway train if you don’t get help.
You CAN get sober if you want it badly enough. You have to be very proactive about protecting your sobriety though. Particularly in early sobriety you are very vulnerable, and prone to a relapse. You have to work at it every single day to stay sober.
I turned 44 a few weeks ago. I refuse to give alcohol power over me and my life any longer. I think you feel the same way. Life is too short for this shit Nicola, take the reins back. Start again, and keep going this time. Just take on one day at a time, today you WILL stay sober. Repeat tomorrow, and so on. You can do this, and we are here for you x
Get back to meetings get phone numbers , effort and desire and it can be done half measures availed us nothing ,have to want this to get it wish you well
Thank you so much. Yes, I’m sick and tired of losing control. I know I can’t control my husband’s drinking/choices, but I CAN control mine. It’s that dang Devil Voice that I hear that I give into. I don’t want it to win.
