So as I write this my parents and brother are about an hour away. They’ve driven from Oklahoma to Arizona. I’m exhausted mentally and physically from useing . The moment I heard they where coming the pressure to not relapse or fuck up at work grew and grew. I was doing alright but the moment I’m faced with the reality of my mother and what she did to us growing up sent me in a tailspin. There’s no escaping the reality of how things and people have affected you. My brother warned me and I failed to listen. I’m heartbroken and empty not just about the relapse but about that fact that I knew my mother would break me in her short visit so in my messed up mind I decided to break myself first. That’s how toxic my mother is on not just me but my two brothers . I have it. I hate that I can’t deny it anymore but the need to survive has clicked in and given me the strength to not pretend around my family anymore .I love my mother but the cold truth is she’s a narcissist and can never give me the love I so longed for. The next few days with my mother will be our last .
Sending support. Do what you need to do for your wellbeing.
Awww… the days where I put value in making my life what other people wanted.
I know it was so difficult for me to move past the thought and feelings of inadequacy coupled with the everyday mental abuse of hearing you’ll always be useless. You have to figure out away to move on. You only have to be good enough for yourself. The only problem with that youll keep falling victim to yourself, until you truly standup to your addiction!
I will note, personally I used my past as an excuse to drink. The addiction gave me the free pass for self destruction and personal misery. The alcohol became log on the fire that I never let burn out. You don’t have to agree with anything that happened in your past. Just accept it, and find peace. Forgive yourself and the people that you wronged, and the people that wronged you. The past is the past, and that’s where it belongs.
Church helped me to open my eyes to that possibility and many more.