Hey all.. supposed to be day 15 today but back to day one. Ugh. I did two weeks cocaine free, then my sister came over and we got a few grams and drinks. For like 24 hours… I feel gross, empty, ashamed and so so guilty, shaking in the shower hating myself right now.
This heavy feeling is overwhelming. This is when I’d get another gram to feel better. The thought of it makes me excited even tho it makes NO sense to get it. Why do we like this shit that ruins us?
I’m THIS close to messaging my dealer to deliver one. I’m feeling so defeated and weak
Bethany…. Picking up again is just going to mean a worse detox when it all comes to an end… and it will have to come to an end sometime. Your two weeks aren’t gone, they’re the start of something… this is a lapse but you CAN prevent it getting worse and start a new sober streak to be proud of
Cocaine monster I love that hahah I laughed so hard cuz it’s relatable. Rest and food. Yes.. my daughter is going to her dad’s today so I’m coming home and taking my Ativan. Eat some noodles n watch a movie. Nap.. maybe a puzzle or walk in the rain. I dunno I have that restless feeling now I just wanna fix myself ASAP lol
We all stumble and fall. Its what we learn from it that is important. @Puddingface33 is right. It is easy to beat yourself up about it (I am my own worst critic). What took guts was to reach out on here and share how you feel.
Focus on the basics, get some food in your system, hydrate, get some rest. You can do this.
Good for you ….we don’t know each other well but I’m super proud .
Look after yourself you know where we are . Just take the day to take care of your body . Try not to let the downer hit you too hard ..it will pass and we’ve all been there in some shape or form or we wouldn’t be here in the first place
Keep going , restless …. just do anything to keep your mind distracted !
You’ve got this girl…I’m your biggest cheerleader right now
Hey there! I totally understand that type of thinking. Its a vicious circle. My DOC was crack cocaine and I absolutely get it. Our addictions will lie to us every time, that it will make us feel better. Try to challenge that thinking. U already feel ashamed, empty, and guilty… these feelings WILL continue the longer u use. Getting another gram wont help. What will help is self care, a good rest, good food, a nice warm shower, and forgiving urself for the slip up. You did so well with ur 15 days clean! And u CAN get there again. But it starts with doing things differently. Nothing changes, if nothing changes right?
Sadly that was the beginning of a spiral. Since then I’ve been drinking like every second night and managed a few lines here n there from my sisters stash. Once I broke the 15 day sobriety streak I thought well, failed that, might as well keep on fucking up. I dunno if I mentioned I’m in the wait list for inpatient rehab, they said 1-2 months. Part of my delusional thinking is “well I might as well fuck up now I’m going to rehab anyways” WHICH I know is totally unhealthy and fucked up thinking
I’m being stupid, selfish, self pitying and escaping. Denying. Avoiding.
I woke up in a panic because I didn’t want to open my eyes and face the world. Thank god my sister took my daughter today, I can’t even take care of myself right now.
You might not be able to pick your sober date that sticks. In my opinion the sober date picks you
Picking a future date to quit substances is dangerous and never worked for me. I set all my timmeres to 12am the day after i pick up weather it was at 5pm or 11:59pm. This keeps me from self sabotage or self destruction
This sounds really hard to live that way. You know, sobriety is hard too, at first. Sometimes, we need to choose our hard.
If we are going to be going through our days in anguish, might as well choose the path that gets us better, because it does get better. Start today, right now, your future self will thank you.
Sorry to hear that my love , I also relapsed last night so I’m not feeling on top form either it’s been a very rough 24hours ….i will continue to get back up and try again .
Just concentrate on doing what you can and proceed with caution either way, you know where we are x
I love that hahah I laughed so hard cuz it’s relatable. Rest and food. Yes.. my daughter is going to her dad’s today so I’m coming home and taking my Ativan. Eat some noodles n watch a movie. Nap.. maybe a puzzle or walk in the rain. I dunno I have that restless feeling now I just wanna fix myself ASAP lol
so glad to see you’re still here and doing so well