Relationship on the rocks before sobriety, now

My boyfriend moved out just before I hit rock bottom and decided to sober up and join AA. He wants back in my life now. But when I told him I was getting sober he responded that he could come see me and not drink but didn’t think he could ever move back in because he won’t stop drinking. I never asked him to stop drinking, but honestly his drinking is out of control as well. I care about him so much. How do I take care of me and not hurt him more?

Your sobriety and piece of mind come first , your choice wish you well


Totally resonates with me. I was in exactly the same position and finally ended my relationship mid May. I still love him too and while I’m trying to get and stay sober though I’ve had relapses he was very on the fence about things , one minute he wanted to try then he would just not drink around me which turned into him choosing it many times rather than spend time with me when we did get much quality time together anyway . Bottom line I’m still very early days and haven’t done the AA route yet but I’m constantly trying where as his mindset was completely different. It has hurt and still does but even though I still struggle I know if I was still with him I would not be strong enough consistently and would be in a much worse place, so I had to let go. Just him calling at my door during the week was enough for me to relapse of my own accord. It’s your personal choice but while I have overwhelming sadness some days about the whole thing (like a few hours ago) I know that my road to complete sobriety has started, even if I’m not in fifth gear yet and being with him would set me back to first gear. Ideally I would love him to get sober then come say look I’m really doing this I’m really trying but I’ve already moved away from him in my head so much that even if he did I think it would be too late. Concentrate on you, prioritize you. You can’t be his crutch and he can’t be your downfall. That’s just my personal view and others may well say different . I guess you have to look deep and be honest with yourself then make that decision. Wishing you lots of luck on your journey x


Congratulations on becoming sober. I think that you can only take on and be responsible for YOU. Your boyfriend is hurting himself. You can’t save or rescue him. Trying to puts you both at risk of going under. I don’t think self care is selfish.


Sometimes in life, there are situations where you have to choose one path or the other, because you can’t choose both.

One path, your sobriety, your wellbeing, your life is secure but it would bring pain to someone else.

The other path, everything you worked towards is at risk but you spare that pain to them and possibly place it on yourself.

I can’t tell you what you should do, that’s something you need to do, but I can tell you that you are not responsible for anyone elses happiness nor are you responsible for anyone elses pain. The truth is, we are only responsible for our own emotions.