Relationship Question

TL;DR: What would you do if you discovered that the cornerstone on your entire 20 year marriage was based on a pretty significant lie?

The long version: I’ll try to be succinct.

I’m 40, happily married. I met my wife when I was 19, in a chatroom during the infancy of the internet. We met in person the very next day. A couple of years later we had some issues. I ended up in jail for DV assualt, lost my dream job at a radio station and was down and out. We stayed together for a few more months until she went a little crazy and got herself arrested for DV assault. At that point I never wanted to see her again. She came over to my place, escorted by her Dad to tell me she was pregnant this was early July. So, conflicted, I still didn’t want anything to do with her. After the trial for my charges (not guilty BTW) I went back online and talked with someone I had met before, she mentioned she was in the area and we decided to meet. So I show up at the designated time and place and she’s a no show, but guess who shows up, my ex. She’s shocked to see me there and I’m pissed because she set me up. She claimed she didn’t, I finally believed her and reconciled, this was Mid August.

I ended up moving in with her and our daughter was born near the end of May. But wait, she told me she was pregnant in July and the baby was born in May. It didnt add up, she had to have gotten pregnant the night we reconciled.

I brought that up, she said she must have miscarried when the police arrested her. So I carry on.

Nearly 20 years later, a few months ago, I’m cleaning out our garage and find a page from her journal detailaing the events of that night in August, the night I happened to be in the same place at the same time as her, which was miraculous because it was 30 miles from my home and 70 from hers, I mean, what are the odds, right? Anyway, the journal entry described the story like she always has, she just happened to run into me and was upset that I was meeting someone else so soon etc. So at this point, maybe it was a strange coincidence, until today. I picked up her bible and flipped through it. A piece of paper fell out. It had a list of email accounts and passwords as well as instant message accounts and passwords. They are very similar to people I’ve communicated with before, and one is very similar to my cousins…

So WTF?!? Now i know my intuition was right. It was her all along, setting me up.

That was almost 20 years ago, and things have been great, but its built on a lie. What to do?

Are you happy now? That would be all that matters to me.

If you’re unhappy now and looking for any thread to pull to make it unravel, this will be fuel for your fire. If you’re happy, why bother bringing this discrepancy up, what would you stand to gain in the matter.

The past is written, the future is unknown, we only have today.


Thats a damn good point. We are different people now, and we are in a good place.

I suffer from Uncle Rico syndrome from time to time, I get caught up in “I had potential, I could have been somebody” instead of “I am somebody”.

I think the best thing for me to do is burn the papers and let it forever reside in the past. She saved me from myself, and I think, in a way, I saved her too. If she felt that she had to go to those lengths so save us, then I can live with it.

Thanks for your words.


I’m afraid I can give no practical or useful advice, so I won’t pretend. My capacity for healthy intimate relationships is at an all time low, I think, though I’m not sure it was ever good.

But I can say this: I’m sorry if you are going through difficulties and finding it challenging. Be wary of rash decisions. And keep your sobriety central. I pray for you to have the courage, strength and wisdom to find your way through this. :two_hearts::two_hearts:


If you are happily married, best to let this sleeping dog lie. You can’t judge her actions then, by who she is today. Doubtful if her deceptions weren’t out of some immature understanding of love.

You have built a life together. Consider that you wouldn’t have what you have today, had she acted differently back then.


Everybody makes mistakes sometime in their lives. As you say, you’re both different people now and you’re both happy :hearts:


I say give the stashe killer a pass on this. Just like our addictions as daffodil would say you can look back at our past but dont stare. Same concept here. Your growing and building together an happy today. What matters in our recovery is today only and id view the relationship the same.


Thanks for sharing, I really appreciate it.

And to everyone too. After thinking about it for the past 2 hours, I realize that there is a key detail. I decided to reconcile. No one forced me, I could have walked away that night, but I didn’t.

I’m going to burn the papers and keep loving her the way I always have.

And in the words of Forrest Gump, that’s all I have to say about that.


Honestly if yall are happy now i wouldn’t worry too much. Yes it was built on a lie, but yall have had something going to get this far. You both have changed, and you don’t know why she did all that back then. It could have been to keep you in her life.

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Christ…she mustve loved you to death to go to thise lengths. You lucky bastard!