Relationship with a drug user

[AmandaRed]

*trigger warning: mention of substances

Hello Sober Time. This place has saved me before and right now I really need to vent and write this down, and some advice.

I moved from the city I used to live a year and a half ago, I didnt plan to stay here much time but I met this ‘someone’ a year ago at a friends party. What I wanted at that time was someone to have a good time with, before I went back to my city. I was super clear with him with my intentions, that I didnt want a serious relationship and he was ok with that, but long-story-short we fell in love and here we are…

The thing is that when I met him I knew he was into alcohol, marihuana, lsd and mushrooms. I told him that Ive been in recovery for 5 years and that i didnt want to ask him to stop using but I wanted him to understand that if that ever affected me I was going to end our fun. He understood and we came into the agreement that he was never going to do it infront of me or when we are together. Spoiler alert: that didnt happen. I let it pass and forgave him a couple of times before he decided to get sober.

The story behind he wanting to be sober is that i got covid and he literally used that opportunity to leave me completely alone during two weeks to get wasted everyday. I was hurt and decided to end the relationship but when my quarantine was over he confessed this situation and told me he wanted to be sober, so I gave everything a second chance and in fact our relationship went much much better.

Now he decided to go for a weekend to a stupid trip with alcohol, marihuana and mushrooms at the forest in august, and thats triggering me a lot. He’s telling me that its only for the weekend and he knows that after this he can start using again but apparently its worth sending everything to hell this fucking trip.

I let him know how anxious this makes me feel and that I dont want to be with a partner that is not capable to be with me in importan matters because the drugs are his priority.

Yesterday night we got into a fight for this. I feel like Im not being taken in consideration, because he literally just let me know his plans. He never asked how I felt or what I think. He thought that just by telling me i had to be ok with that. And also he has been drinking alcohol the last couple of weeks until hes completely wasted. I know this doesnt get better, been there, done that. But idk what to do. Idk if im exagerating everything or if Im in denial just because I want to be with him.

Fortunately I dont want to use… But I feel alone, I miss my city and my sober friends. Here we dont have NA groups and I havent met anyone tjat is sober.

Love you!

[LAB]

Oh this sounds so challenging and difficult. I’m sorry you are going through this.

Falling in love with someone who can’t care for you or your healthy boundaries is heartbreaking from start to finish.

From start to finish.

I hope you can keep digging deep for the strength to care for yourself the most. I think you know the right answer for yourself. It will all depend on how long you want from start to finish.

You are on my mind and I’m sending you high hopes for strength and stamina and self-care.

[Butterflymoonwoman]

Hey Amy, welcome back! This sounds so very stressful and upsetting. Honestly, but reading ur post… it sounds like he is very aware of what he is doing, being inconsiderate of ur feelings and is putting drugs before the relationship. Addiction is such a selfish disease and it doesn’t sound like he is wanting to put that effort into getting clean or being in a relationship. If he wants to act like that and be disrespectful, he can do that on his own. But to bring you into all of this (which seems to be a slippery situation for u and ur recovery also) is not right at all What are your reasons for being with him? Is there any way to go back home to your sober friends and supports? I just think u deserve better girl

[SassyRocks]

Ouch, that really sounds uncomfortable and frustrating. From my experience, he is showing you who he is and what is important to him. Believe him. You didn’t mention if you were financially dependent on him or living together, which in my experience can make it more complex to change your situation. You didn’t ask for advice, just to vent, however I just want to say you are worth more than a guy who offers empty promises and is off on drug weekends and getting wasted around you. There are indeed sober, respectful, kind and caring humans out there. If you are only a year in to this relationship, that is still the honeymoon phase from where I stand and well, again, you deserve more.

I hope you can find some sober friends and activities to keep you busy and happy and build up your confidence. Life is too short to settle for crumbs.