So my body is starting to work like kinda almost normal again. its nice waking up.
my addiction latches on to two or three elements , or symbols of my feel good . shopping, women/coda and porn.
i know that today - i cannot entertain sexual relations just because im clean and my body is going back to normal. . my ex and i stopped speaking finally and a profound ability to not chase for her attention nor comfort nor have this “you must get me fixed” mentality. its amazing her abstinence allows me to see a bit differently.
recovery for me is conditional . its starts with abstinance , provided i fill that space with constructive growth. my sponsor tells me that my primary source degredation and discomfort stems from the mind. thats where my disease is most apparent. as long as the allergy remains arrested. i should foe certain focus on the obsession . i put the drugs down. early in my journey , i donot have any burninv desire to use. my crafty demon will prompt me with sex or porn, shoes , food…i dont condon relapse. . my experience gave me a bit more insight with step work as the visual i see how the bugger gets sneeky.
i get some attention today and i know i should not fix of that. right now im at a mall… with ample game running opportunity… thing is, it was never about the act of sex or getting coda with a person… even though i xan be… i kinda fix of the attention and the ability to get into a safe space of a person… another opportunity to see my deeper motives through four and five. .
i would hella binge of the attention and the needy bratty demand for her to be sacrificial only onto me. .
it kept me so sick for so long.
she had to do a process of recovery too and what ever that looked like for her … she is where she is.
i am where i am… but i do know that we don’t " need" each other in the way we once did.
and that for me is god. today i start to learn how to be a friend to women. geniune concern, appreciate appropriate conversations understand … and also listen man , likr fuck… all i did was talk. its cool to get to know a person for who they are , who they can be , rather than what they look like.
i didnt come into recovery for good behavior.
helping others keeps me free from dark obsessions.
Welcome Shavahn! It’s a nice feeling getting some momentum isn’t it?
For me the tendency to place my self-worth in how I (thought I) was perceived by others, loved by others, given attention by others - that tendency was a big part of me during my active addiction. I too had a tendency to fixate on women, as though attention from them was somehow necessary to be myself.
I learned through my recovery program that I had worth of my own and that I had a story and a path of my own. I learned that I had emotions and that sharing these with people I know and trust, and seeking empathy and support, was a healthy thing to do, to integrate, to live a whole life, and be satisfied with myself.
In the early days I stepped back from interactions with women because I still had fuzzy boundaries and a tendency to let myself fixate. More recently I have integrated some female friends in, when they arise - usually from work or mutual friends - and because I’ve developed better emotional grounding and boundaries, it is working.
Nice to see you around - looking forward to seeing you more!
Not sure what your question was. But I can form a context
My whole life, was based on consumption, sex & drugs & rock n roll.
I would entertain women based on my ability to score if you will, but no depth. It didn’t matter relationship no relationship, if I knew we were hooking up later it was the object of my attention that day, but it was empty.
I also rated my day on how much I could consume and still be “functioning” if you want to call it that. But guess what it didn’t matter in the end I was empty
Addiction is a tricky thing and it will trick you, addiction is a mindset and a mental issue, and the dopamine receptors can get their fill by substituting one addiction for another.
For some it’s booze, others drugs gambling sexual pleasure it just changes form
Your best bet, get your sober feet dry and comfortable footing off the ledge, don’t worry about women, coda, the great chase etc. the more you work on yourself the better the outcome
And Porn, see it for what it is, an unrealistic expectation of sex. They are actors who wouldn’t bang each other any day of the week on normal terms. But they are getting paid a shit ton of money to oil up, take some cialis and throw some numbing agents in, it’s kinda like watching Chicago fire. People think beinf a firefighter or paramedic you do all this cool stuff in a day, when honestly, 98% of calls are routine the rest of the day you sit around watching TV
It’s a nice feeling getting some momentum isn’t it?