So what are everyone’s thoughts on relationships in recovery? When is too soon? Dating “normies”? Etc etc im curious to hear everyone’s thoughts =)
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Wait until you’re comfortable in your sobriety, that needs to come first or your relationship will end anyway
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I agree with Darren. Healing myself has had to become a long term priority before I even considered dating. It took me 3.5 years to make a short attempt at it. I learned a lot in that connection but it showed me I’ve had more healing to focus on the last several months instead of putting any focus on someone else.
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Morning 
This is a really common question and no one can really answer it for you because it honestly depends on the individual.
However, in my experience, I set a goal of waiting until I was 12 months sober (this is something recommended to me).
I needed to heal alot and focus on recovery, and it turns out I also had to learn all about me again and who I was without alcohol in my life. Almost 3 years later and I’m still single lol. I’ve only just started dipping my toe in the dating scene but I’ve discovered that I actually now really like me and hanging out with myself.
It’s a pretty important thing, I feel we need to learn how to do, to be comfortable and happy in our own company and like, if not love ourselves first before we start looking to love another.
Here is a link to a previous discussion around this subject that might help you. Theres afew floating around if you type ‘recovery and dating’ in the search bar 
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Recovery is your relationship when you start.
Give it a good 12 months as your best and most important relationship. Build from there.
Many before you have arrived at these numbers through many experiences, many successes, and many failures.
They are not hard edged, but can be considered a firm guide with some flexibility.
Decisions are yours in the end, just keep your goals and intentions clear when making them.
Go well
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If you are in fact single in early recovery you have a wonderful opportunity to develop and grow as an individual and reconnect with yourself. This can be much more challenging when already in a committed relationship and pursuing recovery regardless of whether your partner is sober or not - the added complication of another person makes everything different, maybe harder, maybe not. My point is, I think it’s a golden opportunity to do just as @AyBee has said and make your primary relationship about you and recovery.
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I completely fell in love right after I got sober. Nothing ever materialized with it. Looking back, it probably was a good thing, I wasnt ready. Plus, along came Ms. Monkey…when she entered my life, I was ready to be a partner.
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The rule generally is no relationships for the first year as your beginning your sobriety journey. But that is also subjective,
Honestly it’s when you feel comfortable, but you also have to ask yourself these questions
- Why are you seeking a relationship
- Will the relationship become a way of replacing a void or A way to avoid working on yourself
- Are you comfortable and confident in yourself and not seeking validation from another human being,
If you think about that and feel you have answered correctly that’s the first step
Honestly a relationship is a lot of work, on top of all the work you’ll be doing working and navigating sobriety. So it’s like having another job. Also the partner should be aware of your sobriety, and be supportive and understanding since getting sober I had a relationship and went on a few dates I wasn’t super open about sobriety at first, naturally as I wasn’t going to tell someone that I was a recovering drug addict and alcoholic,
So
TLDR a relationship is a step only you can take when you are ready for the ups and downs that go with it
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What is TLDR???
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I was wondering the same @Fury lol.
I think it’s for Too Long Didn’t Read. Or basically meaning ‘to cut a long story short, the summary of my long reply is…’
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I was clear about the suggestion, a year without love relationships, emotional entanglements. however, almost three years have passed and if I am honest with myself I am still not ready, in my case I made a deal with myself and my higher power, no courtships until I learn to love myself, until I strengthen my self-esteem enough to not need anyone, I have a strong emotional dependency on relationships and when they end I don’t know how to deal with my emotions, I fall into very dark holes. I don’t want to be there again, I leave it to the will of my higher power. Even though I long for it many times, I know that it should not be my priority right now. in these 3 years they have been to know me better, and every day something more will be revealed in this new way of putting myself in priority, now I say it very motivated because they have been some very good days, but the bad days usually weigh that need to feel loved or wanted by a partner. I keep working on it.
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Relate so much to all of this, I almost could have written it myself.
After 4 years on my own (almost 3 of which have been in recovery) I sometimes wonder if I will ever feel ready again, despite that yearning to be sometimes… Deep down I know its not time yet.
I try to hand it over and trust that time will show when what is meant to be, will be.
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You’ve gotten great advice already so I’m just going to add one other thing to think about. You want to be confident enough in your sobriety so that if a relationship fails, you can handle it without running back to your DOC to sooth hurt feelings. I’ve been around here long enough to see that the emotional aspect of a failed relationship can cause one to spiral.
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Too Long Didn’t Read
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Yes.
To expand on this @PeterR26:
In our addictions we buried ourselves, numbed ourselves, and essentially neglected our healthy presence, our life here, as a person in the world.
We basically pretended that we as a person didn’t need or deserve any care, any attention. (Basically that’s what we did. We filled ourselves with poison.)
So the first and most important thing you’re doing is fostering a healthy relationship with yourself. Until you have that, you won’t be able to foster a healthy relationship with another person.
Fostering a relationship with yourself is a process, but in a lot of ways it’s like any relationship: get to know your (true) self, your likes and dislikes, your fears and loves. You’ve been in addiction for so long that you don’t know these yet. Get to know yourself, explore, enjoy the adventure. 
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